Accepting Instead of Expecting
Click here to listen to Today’s Marriage Minute with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Additional Thoughts on Expectations from the Parrotts
But expectation discrepancies can be intertwined in more profound cornerstones of the marriage: how often you have sex, how the household chores are divided, how you raise your children, how you want to handle your joint finances, how you deal with in-laws. Major differences can take a toll fairly quickly and breed major hurt and resentment. But even trivial differences in expectations can add up and erode your sense of connection slowly but surely. Here are some suggestions that have helped us during two decades of marriage.
So many couples spend years in needless frustration. They often falsely believe the only true solution is to make their spouses think, feel and behave more like them. They fight instead of embrace each other’s uniqueness. This approach is doomed to fail. Rather, the effort should be made to understand and appreciate one another’s differences.
A New Approach
In fact, a new approach to marital therapy that is focused on empathy and tolerance has relationship experts very excited. Developed by Andrew Christensen, PhD, a professor of psychology at UCLA, and the late Neil Jacobson, PhD, who was a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle until his death in 1999, it’s called “integrative couples therapy.” Whereas today’s standard treatment has partners often strive to change each other, this approach stresses acceptance.
“Acceptance does not mean giving in or tolerating behavior with which you are not comfortable, and does not mean you never argue. Rather, it means seeing behavior in the larger picture of who your spouse is,” explained Christensen to UCLA Today. “When we feel accepted, we don’t feel defensive, are better able to understand our spouse’s feelings and concerns, and may change because we want our spouse to feel better.” Early success with this new therapeutic approach suggests that when an individual stops trying to change his or her partner, the likelihood that change may occur actually increases. This seems to suggest that the pressure to change is often a barrier to change instead of a facilitator of change.
In acceptance therapy, the couple pinpoints the typical situations that trigger conflict. They then examine the dynamics that occur when they argue. Christensen calls this process “writing the story” of a relationship. Central to the technique is identifying the motives and emotions that underlie each partner’s behavior. These revelations often come as a surprise. All too often couples make assumptions about why partners do what they do and react based on that assumption. If a couple can identify their individual motivations explicitly, develop empathy and offer true acceptance, they tend to make adjustments that lower the emotional volume in their interactions.
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3 Responses to “Accepting Instead of Expecting”
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This is what i am talking about!!!!!!!! Thank you for making it clear
This is something I never really thought about. I am sure she never thought about it either. We have been married for 7.5 years, and are getting ready to divorce, but are trying this online counseling first. She says that, “you are never going to change.”
At times I feel the same as well. A person has to “want” to change on their own. This is a great article.
It’s wonderful to see that we (couples) are now beginning to courageously commit to accepting our spouses rather than dissecting them. We apply this in our own relationship and have seen how it has turned our bouts of conflict into stepping stone rather than wrecking balls. We now focused more on resolutions rather than finger pointing. Thank you so much Les & Leslie for all of the wonderful information you provide for equipping us to making steps towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships.