Men’s Top Marriage Complaints
“She doesn’t want to have sex.”
“She always wants to talk.”
“She can be very critical.”
What is your advice for frustrated husbands out there? Take this opportunity to give men a woman’s point of view! Remember you can remain anonymous and the top responses will be posted instantly. Submit your answer now.
Tags: Conflict, Couples Stories, For Women
76 Responses to “Men’s Top Marriage Complaints”
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It’s rare that I don’t want to make love to my husband, but I need affection and foreplay to get in the mood. Give me (sincere) attention during the day, you’ll get MY attention at night…(or whenever the mood is right).
If you meet her needs, she is going to be more likely to want to meet yours. She wants to talk, you want to have sex. Hmmm.
“She can be very critical.” My husband has said this of me. I don’t think I am any more critical than anyone else. I do think that he PERCEIVES me as being critical. Check your assumptions. If you hear her say something that seems critical to you, ask questions. “Did I get that right?” It could be that you have a filter in place that makes you see her as critical.
I think when a women feels cherished and valued by her husband she is more interested in sex. When a man knows his woman, and knows what it is that makes her feel loved (whether it be time spent together, or help with domestic chores, or a combination of things) and she is his top priority, he will have an adoring wife who is not critical and probably somewhat less talkative.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the same man who complains his wife talks too much has a wife who doesn’t want to have sex with him. Sex is not for physical gratification, although it does have that power. Why are you married to her? Is it because you want to build a life and a love with her, or because you thought it would be more convenient to have her sleeping in the same bed with you every night? The second a man realizes that he could be making love to his wife for unselfish reasons, not only will the couple find that it plays a much different role in strengthening their bond (yes, the husband, too!), but that each will want to do it more often (yes, the wife, too!) We need to seriously re-wire our media/hollywood-filled-brainwashed minds and realize what a sacred, powerful, and innately unselfish act sex really is.
When husbands want/need sex – communicating that fact in some way, in a timely fashion, so both parties have the best chance of converging with similar intensions, energy levels and availability – could really work to everyones advantage. Of course that goes for wives, too. Of course once this message is received setting realistic expectations takes away any guesswork leaving more energy for the time together.
Energy – both physical and mental – plays such a big part in having a receptive partner. If a wife didn’t have to “see” all the things some husbands rarely see and either mention a particular task needs doing/nag him about it – or just do it herself – there would be so much more energy!
I guess we wives need to make it clear we could have more “energy” for sex if our hubbys were a little bit more in tune with what completed tasks give us the most peace of mind at the end of the day – but no matter how you say it seems like a bribe – when help keeping our energy up is all we really want!
Now, husbands, don’t be wimps and think you can read your wifes mind. If she says she is physically tired or uncomfortable don’t assume your advances won’t be welcome – feeling your desire could be just what the doctor ordered!
Guys, wake up and smell the coffee! Marriage was not designed as a free ticket to sex anytime! If you were picking us up at a bar, you would be on best behavior, so perhaps you need to think about the help and attention you are giving your wife. Help, so she is done with chores earlier (wink wink) and not so tired; attention so she might be semi in mood by the time you lock the bedroom door. Oh yes, and please after a full day, a shower might be just what the doctor called for!
I not sure how honest most wives are to themselves. In my home I work all day come home and about 75 -85% of the time I have to make my own dinner. I help my wie with the kids at nignt , run her bath and paint her nails. And She criticises everything I do even how i fold the laundry. Also no matter what happens I still have to beg for sex. And its been that way since day one almost eight years ago. So please give it a rest most of you use sex as a tool to get what you want when you want.
Jeff– it sounds like you are married to a manipulative loser. I am sorry for you. But don’t assume the rest of us are like that. Most of us women are married to losers who help with practically zilch which leaves us exhausted and then they have the nerve to resent that we are too tired for sex, and don’t act romantic at all until they want sex. When a woman has children, her whole life changes, especially if she is a stay at home Mom. I went from the mother of one, to the mother of three, to a homeschooling mother of three. My responsibilities, chores, and exhaustion level have quadrupled since I got married. From 9 to 5, my husband’s life has changed ZILCH since our kids were born–and he still comes home and diddles on ther computer before spending time with the kids, while I cook. He does one job, same old same old, while I do about 3 or 4 jobs. Then he gets angry if i am dozing off at night from sheer exhaustion. I am sorry yor wife is a narcissistic bitch–but don’t you dare criticize the rest of us hardworking mothers with neanderthal husbands.
“She doesn’t want to have sex.” — i know i don’t represent most women but i believe women should be more responsive to our husband’s sexual requests. however, men, sometimes intercourse may need to be replaced with intimate touching and playful touching for an evening when we are tired and don’t feel like a full romp! we all need to recognize that sex is more than just penetration but an entire mental/emotional/spiritual/physical exchange.
“She always wants to talk.” — so men, just listen. and when we ask for your opinion/perspective, please share. we cannot read your minds. it’s the only way we’ll know what’s going on in your mind. when you share what’s going on in your mind, then we should be able to properly respond to your needs. but ladies, stop talking during sports. that’s just rude!!
“She can be very critical.” — this, like so many things, is very relative. oftentimes, what men perceive as critical is not what we (ladies) intend to portray. we think we’re helping or guiding or advising. sometimes guys, you need to stop being so sensitive and actually listen to the issue we’re attempting to address instead of the words that come out of our mouths. then again, ladies, sometimes we need to get to point and stop being so verbose.
I told my husband 20 years ago that I found new clean sheets on the bed to be an aphrodisiac, and I bet you can guess how many times he has made the bed since then!
There were long periods of time in the last 23 years that we didn’t connect very well, and I guess I learned that I feel the most sexy when some attention has been paid to me while vertical.
If he only realized how my heart jumps when he compliments me or pats my rear (yes, even while I m doing dishes), he’d know he has the ticket to great sex.
But it seems that I have to keep reminding him of this, and I make the conscious effort to make it go both ways. FOREPLAY IS ALL DAY!
I am fortunate…my husband is often affectionate without looking for the “return”. Not all marriages are the same, but in those I see, if the husbands could just slow down and focus on what makes them want to be close to their wives in the first place, I think the rest will come naturally. Did you love her neck? Her hair? Her laugh? Make sure she knows it…every day. If you think something nice, SAY it! We have no idea when you think of us unless you tell us. We have to stop and focus on you to get out of “mommy mode”…help us out by remembering (and reminding us) we aren’t just your sexual outlet.
I tend to agree with Jeff. I make dinner most of the time. I split chores such as dishes, laundry, taking out the garbage. She does do most of the cleaning (although we have a monthly housecleaner that does the bigger stuff). I would love to know what would make my wife more responsive to sex. I have asked. Then when I try to do those things I get “You’re just doing that to get sex”.
Keep a guy happy in bed and he will give you world. Cut us off and we retreat to our cave and block everything else out.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and we were teens when we got married very exprienced in sex or any other areas of being a wife. But e was very adventurous and gentle when it came to the sex department. But my husband has a way of completely turning me off, he talks vulgar and hollars at the Tv at the women on there. it litterally makes me sick and I kinda a bashful and we have 4 kids, so he will want to have ex in the middle of the day when the kids are here and that causes a conflct because i ‘ll ask him to wait till bedtime and he gets mad and wont have sex with me at all, and calls me a prude and I miss the old days, when he didn’t think pissing me off was a turn on, for him, arrrgggg
I am not asking for flowers help with house work or kids I just dont want to talked to like a prostitue.
I apologise for my earlier comments and the spelling mistakes I am having keyboard troubles
Obviously every marriage is different! I want sex far more often than my husband does. I get my feelings hurt when he doesn’t want it. Also, my husband is more critical of me than I am of him. I win when it comes to talking too much but thats because I left everything I know to come live in the middle of no where to be with him and I get bored. I think that with everything I gave up to make this marriage work the least he can do is “deal” with my wanting to talk!
I highly recommend Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. You can be doing tons and tons for your spouse but if it’s not what makes them feel loved then they are emotionally empty and intimacy is the last thing on their mind. My husband and I have come back from our recent years twice a year sex to our early years 4-5 times a week because we feel loved by each other and want to share intimacy and give it back. It will be an Aahhh moment for you when you understand this. Please give it a try.
Do something that grabs my heart, not just grabbing my @$$. Show me that you care about my feelings, empathize with my long, trying day with the kids — then we’ll talk about getting intimate.
My husband and I are equally yoked. We both have personal relationships with the Lord and he is the center and foundation of our marriage. We don’t have a perfect marriage but we are one in all that we do within our marriage. Because of the Bible we both recognize our roles in the marriage and we meet each other needs at all times. So when my honey wants to make love, I am usually quite often turned on and want to make love. We fourplay and love each other’s bodies before the penetration, we appreciate one another and then we penetrate.
Other than a situation of being married to a completely self-absorbed (or abusive) person I believe these 3 complaints are a matter of miscommunication. Men and Women, I feel, are calling for the same needs to be met through different expressions and using different languages to describe the needs. A man asking for sex IS the same thing as a woman asking for conversation. Both individuals are longing for connection along with affirmation of the other’s Love and Respect- although long standing frustration may have distorted what the true and original intention was. The struggle (and disconnect) becomes “If you can’t meet my needs then I can’t meet yours”. A woman feels that if her husband does not share hisself intimately with her and offer his support of their relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom then she does not feel moved to share herself or support with him sexually. As well, a man feels that if his wife does not willingly respond to, or initiate, sexual desire she must not Love or Respect him, therefore he does not feel moved to support her OUTSIDE of the bedroom. And as a result neither feels wanted or cared for, creating resentment and further breakdown of respect. This is where critical words become a weapon just as distance becomes the sword that speaks for the lonliness and hurt. The real dissapointment though is that we allow ourselves to get caught up in this game of payback (which, as we know, is more draining than all other responsibilities), when what we could do is take some time to consider what the other is REALLY asking for when they make their requests. I know that when my husband wants sex he ultimately is wanting my attention, recognition, and fierce approval. And he knows that when he helps with the house and kids he’ll get it!!
My husband thinks that by feeling me up, I’ll immediately be in the mood. That is not flattering or a turn-on. Women need more subtle attention and to feel that you truly want to be with us not just HAVE us. Show me positive attention – small pecks on the cheek throughout the day, a stroke of the hair or even flowers for no reason. These things that seem ridiculous to you mean alot to us, and believe me, you’ll be rewarded.
Also, don’t touch me like that in front of or in ear shot of the kids! That just makes me mad!
Try to put some thought into it and you’ll learn very quickly what flips our switch.
I find that I want to have sex more than my husband. However somtimes I feel like its just the same ole same ole. I need foreplay I need, romance and tenderness and the passing glances and gentel caresses thru the day would help.
My closest friends and family live in another state and I work from home so I don’t get alot of “talk” I just want to have an intelluctual conversation with someone other than a two year old.
I do my best to be understanding and not critical. However, I agree its all about perception. Most of the time I am not critical I just want to be heard and my opinion to be valued
my husband and i have the best sex!!!!! we both want it all the time, the key is both to things for each other out of love and dont compare and work as a team. say want you mean all the time, and dont wait until one ask first, uoy feel it go get it. make sure you always tell your husband or wife you love them, really is not about sex, is all about love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a wife, the biggest complaint is that my husband doesn’t compiment me, talk to me or even take me out. He thinks that if we have sex, then that is all he is supposed to do to satisfy me. I want to know that he appreciates me outside of the bedroom. After all, I work all day, come home and cook dinner, fix his lunch and give him his sex whenever he wants it and all I would like in return is for him to spend some quality time with me and show me some appreciation. Some men seem to take their wives for granted and I have one of those men
Where are the male responses? Too few! This is part of the problem we have with our husbands. Mostly ladies are speaking out when we need to hear how you guys are thinking. We cannot read your minds – that is why we speak so much to get a response from you so that we would know what you think of us, whether we please you or otherwise. My husband and I are separated. After the separation he said things to me that he kept inside all the time we were married and I could not have guessed. I was surprised. Whatever I say, he thinks I’m critical of him – when I explained myself in detail at times he has said to me that he has to learn not to take everything in a negative way. He also felt that I was controlling but could not explain to me how I convey that because I never intended to. Believe me this is the only man I loved. I think if I had another love interest he at least would not have felt that I wanted to control him (which I didn’t). If he found me sleeping when he came into bed and wanted sex, he would never touch me he would assume that I’m sleeping because I don’t want to to have sex with him but I was always willing even if I was too tired to initiate it. Do you think that he would initiate it? I guess this is why we are apart.
I am right there with you Andrea. My husband and I had a pretty great sex life and then when I was six months pregnant, I got flirty with him and he made a comment that “I am like a mom,now” He has not touched me since. The baby is almost a year and a half and he doesn’t even touch me. I have tried to kiss him and flirt with him but after about four rejections I have completely thrown in the towel. I am now living in a sexless and the most unhappy relationship I ever could have imagined. I too am away from all friends and family and have no one to talk to. I have talked to him on a couple of occasions just to be critisized and judged. Just not worth it.
Well,….Very good topic with some very likely productive suggestions. I would like to ask a question, then make a simple comment. Q: Has anyone wondered what it would be like, to participate in an EVERY DAY, DAY IN AND OUT, LOOOONG TERM Marriage, if women and men were the same thinkers as the other? Really, can you all imagine, sharing the same basic approach to all, agreeing on every issue, liking the same things, willing to have sex exactly as often, and in the same way, liking the same stimulants, (hobbies activities), having the same good and bad habits as the other, and, by proxy then, occupying the exact same roll in the Tottam Pole as the other? I cannot imagine. It is the wonderfull differences in the basic “gearing” between us that makes it a challenge, that triggers the “Chase” behaiviors. It’s the never being able to master a woman in any way (although she’ll out of love let you believe your own myth that you have indeed mastered her) that holds our interests in her, energizes us to participate in these discussions, and most importantly, sustains our faith that “next time” or” Tommorrow” or “once we accomplish this or that” will ALWAYS be better, or at least has the chance to be.
In lew of the above, it is a worthy and lifelong persuit, to work at perfecting your life with another soul. Male or Female. Listen to her. Take her seriously, admit to her when your wrong, open the door for her, and stay in the bed for a while with her when “Your DOne” dudes!
Many of you have good points. However, I think, just as with courting (or dating), the man needs to take the initiative. If he will get past his pride, and pursue his wife like he did when they were dating, keep up his personal hygiene, treat her well, help out where needed and put her first above all else, he won’t have any problem getting sex. I personally love sex but even I have chosen to skip it or found myself not in the mood when I feel taken for granted. As far as wives who talk to much, you probably knew this about her before you married her, DEAL with it. I’m sure you listened to her then, so listen to her now, and try to carry your end of the conversation. For most women, it’s how we connect and connection, very often, is a big turn on for us. When we feel emotionally connected, we will want to be physically connected.
“Keep a guy happy in bed and he will give you world. Cut us off and we retreat to our cave and block everything else out.” –Steve
For years on end, my husband got virtually everything he wanted, whenever he wanted it, with enthusiasm, in bed. In the past two years, I’ve come to find out that he spent well over a decade of those years setting up secret e-mail accounts to ‘vent’ about me to some woman I didn’t know about; he spent at least a year of that time lying to me in order to secret have weekly coffee dates with a second woman; he spent between 6 and 9 months trading almost daily feel-good forwards with a third woman about what special friends they are.
Through two years of more and more of this coming out, and him continuing to lie and tell stories that don’t add up, I continued to give him everything he wanted in bed. I asked for ONLY three things in return: a story that makes sense about all these women, to get loving e-mails, and to spend time doing the Retrouvaille dialogues. He has steadfastly refused to do even one of the three. Maybe he’s not a guy?
I don’t know, but yes, he is cut off now. Because for women to want to sleep with a man, we need to feel loved and secure. I feel none of that with him. And, sorry to say, if he’s retreated to his cave for being cut off, I can’t tell the difference. I’m getting lies, no e-mails and no dialogues now, and I was getting exactly the same when I kept him happy in bed, so where is my incentive to keep giving?
He doesn’t want to have sex as much as I do, he always wants to talk, but he is the one doing the talking and he is always criticizing me. The worths is that if I leave him he would probably die of sadness, nobody ever love him the way I do, or used. Yes, I know I am an idiot or just catholic.
I don’t think the problem is necessarily man or woman. Yes, God wonderfully create us equally different and that is to be embraced. If communicating your frustrations to one another doesn’t work, check your tone of voice and the words you are using. Do it in love and be honest, flat out open. The best thing is to pray alone and together to the LORD about your situation. Both man and woman should humbly submit to one another as out of reverence to the Lord. Man thinks that they have all the answers but really the only one that does is God and he reveals it in Word (Bible). Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
I firmly believe that if the relationship is good, the sex is good.
My first husband was convinced that I hated sex. Not so. I just never wanted sex with him because he was a jerk! He would never help with anything around the house or yard, didn’t help with child care, always felt his problems were important and mine trivial, belittled me in public, etc. I tried everything to save that marriage, including being very positive toward him – never criticizing the bad, only praising the good -, and giving him sex whenever he wanted. Steve, it didn’t work!
My second husband is a dream. We both work long hours and have high stress jobs. He helps with the kids (they’re not even his), we share the chores, and most of all, he treats me with RESPECT. Plus, we work out any problems we have right away, don’t let them fester. We have sex almost every day, and it’s great.
Jeff, it sounds like your wife is a jerk. Please don’t generalize to the rest of us.
When my husband and i first strated dating he was awsome! Flowers, love notes, nightly phone calls! Our sex life was great after we got married and now I have to beg ofr it! and then if can only be when he wants it. He blames his lack of sex drive on the medicine he has to take. I don’t buy it anymore. we have only been married 2 years. and for 1 year now we have maybe only had sex 1 or 2 times a month, Not when I wanted it , but when he wanted it. I love him completely, but this is crazy. I try to do everything I can for him. I praise him i encorage him , I push him to do the things he wants to do. ( He was always told when he growing up that he could do hard things, he would never be able to things right). I am always telling how much I love him and how sexy he is. I never get them in return…… So how do we fix this? ( I never turn him down)
My husband and I participated in a bible study about communication. The major theme of this book had to do with the emptiness or fullness of the person’s ‘love tank.’ Each of us, whether male or female has different emotional needs. I have found that my husband’s needs are more physical and mine are more emotional. Are we in synch very often? Not very. However, if my emphasis is on filling his ‘love tank’ and his is on filling mine — we work so much better together and meet each other needs more successfully. I don’t think it’s about frequency or about satisfaction — it’s about living outside of ourselves and caring about each other. Do I think my husband does this well? No. Do I think I could improve in this area? Of course. I have complaints about division of labor and frequency of sex but when I really analyze MY participation in this complaint — I find that I have not been giving enough to my husband and when we do meet physically (which is his primary need) – he is able to meet my emotional needs more successfully.
My advice to men and to women; Treat the person you are with, how YOU would like to be treated. Communicate; good and bad feeling. Share your life; don’t demand the other person be part of it. Show excitement for all the little things as well as the big; life is too short to overlook anything. Work it out; sometimes it is frustrating, but if each are worth it, be persistent. We don’t always have the right key, in hand, to fit into the lock…sometimes we have to search for it. Patience, patience, patience…on both sides!
I used to have sex with my husband daily, sometimes more than once a day. But now, since he has become extremely disrespectful to me (including cursing me out, name-calling and saying all kinds of hurtful things to me) I want nothing to do with him sexually anymore. The way you treat a person really DOES affect whether they want you sexually or not. How am I supposed to hear constant criticism about every little thing, get belittled and called names and then lie down in bed with him at night and make passionate love? That just doesn’t happen, folks and he doesn’t understand why.
My hubby and I struggled with sex A LOT for the first 5 years of our marriage. I just didn’t want it. He would ignore me pretty much all day and then expect me to just spread my legs for him. I felt used. Now things are awesome. He has made adjustments in his life and so have I. He no longer talks about work right before or right after sex (or childhood girlfriends, BIG turn off!!!), he tells me how good I look, he will walk by me and instead of just grouping me he will put his arm around me and kiss me somewhere other than my breasts, and he takes the time to talk to me at least 15 minutes every day. I lost 50 pounds, got my sex drive back, and now I think I desire him more than I did when we first got married. All it takes is a touch when you walk by, 15 minutes of “us” time, and a compliment here and there. Please don’t wait for her to say “how do I look?” if you notice that she looks nice then tell her immediately. She will love it. And take a moment to talk about specifics of what turns you on and off and thurns her off and on. Try to remember it and apply it to your life.
As far as women talking to much: It really is our way of connecting with you. If you take the effort to talk about you days together it will really make a difference. I use to ask question after question just trying to have some type of conversation with my husband and he just took it as prying or that I was trying to get him to reveal a secret I though he might be hiding. Once we talked it over her realized that I really just wanted to know how his day went and if he did anything interesting. I am a stay at home mom so I enjoy hearing about his work day. Now he shares it with me. I might still ask questions but it is only to keep the conversation going. Women are informational maniacs. We live happy lives when we get to communicate and connect with you.
Yes we can be very critical but it is not out of meanness. Most of us have put on the role of Mom. We correct our children out of love. We don’t want to see them make mistakes so we try to help them. Unfortunately we tend to do the same with our husbands. Our purpose and intentions are truely out of love but our approach is all wrong. It is not meant personal it is meant to be helpful. We are not trying to attack you but attack the problem. Next time when you wife is being critical tell her how you heard her (What I just heard you say is “I’m not good enough” or “I never do anything right”, ect…). And usually she will see how she came across wrong and will say it better next time.
My hubby and I went through an awesome Sunday school class. We read through the book Love & Respect. My hubby is not much of a reader so sometimes I would read to him. And then we would do the workbook together. The workbook opened up conversations, personal opions and feelings, and past situations that have really helped us! It was truely life changing. I recomend reading it even if you do it alone. I hope my opions help some of you.
Communication is the key here..without accusations and screaming. Words that hurt cut deep and can never be taken back and when a person becomes disrespectful there are underlying issues..stress, affairs, insecurity, loss of a job or promotion. These are not excuses for bad behavior, just reasons as to why it happens.
Love, Love, Love…the answers. Sex and the lack thereof – If you love your spouse, I mean truly dig her, and she’s not in the mood…spank the monkey dude! That’s right. I speak from experience. We have sex 3-6 per month and it’s very satisfying, quite good actually. But the probelm is I want it EVERY DAY! You see, because I have much love for my woman, and know that she has the same for me, I realize real world stresses will suck the juice from anyone’s labido. I do all the little things to let her know that she’s the most important person on the planet to me, as well as being the cutest & sexiest thing that I’ve ever seen. So when she doesn’t want to play, there’s no need to stray, I’ll just masterbate today!
So she want’s to talk, big deal…listen, it’s not that hard. Let her vent, blow off steam, bitch about her day. This is what broads do! (no offense, but real men already know this) If you don’t like your woman, don’t waste your time…get out. It’s exactly like your friendship with another guy, but hopefully she’s cuter to look at. We all listen to our Buds’ when they’ve got an issue, so listen to her for a while and then find casual ways to change the subject when you’re tired of listening to her whine about day or whatever. Here’s my tip, just give her hug, say, “I’m sorry you had to experience that…,” give a little peck on the cheeck or the top of her head, and hold her until she let’s go of you. Trust me, she’ll appreciate it, and maybe you’ll get lucky in bed.
Being critical…being bitched at. Stop whinning you little kitties! Your wife married a man, so as a man, step up to the plate when you got it comming and take it. That doesn’t mean lay down die, but no matter what stupid thing you say or do, (except infidelity-whole different issue), if she knows that you truly love her, she’ll know that you would never have deliberate intention of hurting her feelings…and if you know she truly loves you, then you should know that too! (See previous paragraph)
I’ve been with my wife for over 25 years, it took me 10 of those years to realize that I needed to bite my tongue 75% of the time, and only fight the fights that I truly believed in. So I don’t argue about not enough sex any more, I listen, and I don’t take shots for the sake of taking shots; Why? because I’m a man, who truly loves his wife and if I feel a need to do these type of things, then why am I here?
I am responding to Jeff and Steve. I will say that I can identify with Steve’s situation ever so slightly in that when I have held a grudge against my husband over things built up over time I have responded similarly to his advances, and I had baby weight to lose on top of that. Most of the baby weight is off, and my husband is making an effort to spend some time with just me, hence, I have a more available attitude. Family night out to the pizza place is not a date. It’s fun and you enjoy being with your kids, but it is not the time you need to feel reacquainted with your spouse as your lover. Time of day and when you approach is a BIG factor. I am not a morning person, and I am too tired at the end of the day. So finding some stolen moments in the afternoon before the dinner/ bathtime express rolls thru is more of a priority. Sometimes, guys, our lack of enthusiasm has more to do with how we see ourselves or how we feel you see us. The best thing you can do is express your unconditonal love and acceptance and do what you think she would need to make her feel as secure in the relationship as possible. When my husband gets very critical, I am less inclined toward romance. It makes me feel VERY uneasy. Jeff, your comment about the laundry hits home because it drives me crazy for my husband not to do something the way I think it should be for our home. It is undermining and undoes everything I am trying to accomplish from an organizational standpoint. I stay at home and take care of the house and our son; he works to keep the bills paid and I have to operate within the rules of that framework. For women who may have worked outside the home and who have small children, it is about all one can take to have to repeat instructions to the toddlers, but to have your adult (well -meaning) husband fold clothes or put away dishes in places they do not go, only makes more work for her later in trying to find said item. It makes one feel as if no one listens or cares to do things your way even though you are supposed to be in charge. Futility at its best. As far as food goes, I cook the sides for dinner and he cooks the entree because he likes to grill. I happily cook the entree as often as I can because dinner gets on the table sooner. I don’t know what your financial situation is. I think it is pretty thoughtful if you run her bath and do her nails if that is what she likes. She might enjoy you planning a date with just the two of you. You find the babysitter and make whatever entertainment arrangements for the evening and don’t expect sex necessarily that night, but the time invested will perhaps make her more willing in the very near future. If you can make it to where all she has to do is show up and feel pretty reminiscent of the dating days, then you can date and have the fringe benefits of marriage:)!
Well said Beth and Kudos to John!
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. I am 54 and he is 64. Like many of you when we were first married it was hot and heavy. Guess what – it still can be. We both notice that time does factor in. When we had three kids at home – we looked for opportunities. Sometimes those were far and few between, sometimes a lot closer than that. I do like to be “dated” – reminded that he still finds me attractive – and I know he still needs that too. I am much more “touchy feely” than he is and I like to hear that he loves me. I have told him this and he keeps trying to improve. I know as well that he still needs to hear how important he is and how much I appreciate the living he makes for us. I would just say that girls, men are very visual, they like to see those sexy little outfits and smell that nice enticing perfume. Don’t let him just see this on TV or in magazines. Guys, the ladies like to smell that great masculine cologne and see that you too have taken time to look good for her. Your health is really important in being able to have a good sex life. Do what it takes to take care of yourself. If you have difficulties physically with sex, don’t be embarrased to talk with your Doctor. He can help you, it is worth it. Sex is a big part of marriage all the way to the end – don’t deny marriage this. God wants us all to enjoy the gift of life and this is just another part of it.
Reading some of these comments just reinforces to me just how unhappy my marriage is! A lot of women I know are bitchy, critical and downright lazy and yet they seem to have the most adoring husbands. One friend of mine had an affair, and her husband bought her diamond earings!!!!!!!!!!! I just don’t get it!! I’ve done everything I can to keep my marriage alive, even to the point of dying my hair blonde to try and get his attention (yes very sad I know!) nothing ever works, I only exist in my house when I’ve neglected to do something!! My husband never wants to have sex either, it’s very upsetting, soul destroying in fact. Most women have a problem fighting their husbands off, I have a problem getting my husband to notice I exist!!! He definately does not have a problem noticing that other women exist though, I don’t think he’s ever had an affair, but he certainly doesn’t have a problem checking everything out that wears a skirt!!!!!!
Okay the sex thing, well I was wanting and even pushing if not sometimes begging for it! Often in jest, but I really do enjoy it very much and often. My husband however is happy with non passionate sex once every week or 2. That is just enough to make me mad most of the time! But right now I want no part of it because to to a piled up bunch of things that have been said, unsaid, done and not done, I do not even want to be around him. I have always adored him, and made sure he knew it. But due to a handfull of things I could tell he stop thinking of me, stopped treating me with thoughtfullness and respect. I asked him do you still find me attractive? His answer was something like…….not when you say i would go to the gym but I can not afford it….thats makes you unattractive, something like that, ofcourse it came out to me more of the whole gym thing since it is the second time he has made mention of that kinda thing. We he realized that was soooo not going to be received well, he later said and when you say the air in the car needs fixed, but I cant afford it, I am not attractive then either. Can anyone say Bullsh*t? And I never said I could not afford to, I said well that is expensive. As for the houhold chores and caring for the children!! Ican be sick, I can be tired I can be all kinds of things he typically does not ever help. I stay at home he works. I enjoy doing for him, I do not normally want him to have to do much, but man it would be great to have a little help sometimes, with the kids bath, cleaning the kitchen, you name it. He use to be so thoughtfull and considerate. Now i can cook for a bunch of us come in a room and he has not even thought to save me a place to sit, nor has anyone else. That kinda stuff just makes me feel sooooo rotten. He had to take me to E.R today, I have been in pain and heavily medicated for a few days. Guess who still had to entertain the kids? Guess who cleaned the kitchen? Guess who is cooking supper? I was so thirsty comming back, the meds give me such a dry mouth, the guy I married would have had me a drink faster than I could sit down for it. He gave the kids some leftover pizza landed on the couch with a movie and went to sleep. I wanted and needed a nap, and said so before we got home, but said one of us needs to be up…..GUEES WHO IT IS! pHEWWW…I am to the point now where I am taking everything very personal and getting my feeling stepped on everytime I turn around HELP!!!!!!!!! THIS JUST SUCKS LEMONS!
Phyisical health is also a factor in the three top broblems mentioned above. It is not just a relational problem. Concerning #1 (Sex) I am not referring to a need for Viagra. Help your spouse with household chores, taking care of the needs of your children if you have them. Very few people have a desire for sex if they are dead tired. #2 (Talking) Men, encourage your wife to spend some time with her female friends. If she does not seem to have time in her day to keep good friendship. Please help her to develop those friendships. You cannot provide all her emotional support as wonderful as you are. #3 (Critical) ‘It is far to easy for people to blame the spouse for an unmet need when in fact it is our lives (not our relationship) that has gone out of control. Take the lead in the family to keep all the extra business under control. If you wife is overtired, she will also be more easily upset about small problems.
I unfortunetly feel a need to not put out for my husband because of the every day stresses in my life. Going to college, working , and coming home and cleaning, cooking, laundry, and helping kids wiht homework. I get no help from him what so ever. He never compliments me(although i always get complimented when we go out-Never by him). I get no affection whatso ever unless i give it to him then he will kiss me back and tell me he loves me too. I have on different occassions have told him that i need, want affection in order to feel good about myself and that our sex life would be better but he will show the affection like for one day and then it is back to the same old thing again. It is boring me so bad. I love to have sex but i am so tired of being so unappreciated that i just dont. I just masterbate. We have been married 15 yrs. We are still young i am only 31 and he is 32. I dont understand why it is so hard for him to show me affection……????????
One of the best things I ever heard and it is amazingly true is that a husband has the power to make his wife beautiful simply by the way he speaks to her. So, guys if your wife doesn’t want sex it could be because she no longer feels like the most amazingly beautiful woman in the world. IF she no longer looks beautiful to you, that is your fault… because her beauty shines out of love for you and respect for you. If you aren’t loving her mind(talking to her about what she feels is important), creating scenarios that she can mentally engage in and “see” how much you love her…you won’t be in the position to have a gratifying sexual relationship…. Denton Bible Church has a wonderful tape/CD/ MP3 on Song of Solomon. it is well worth the small (5-10) investment. Contact Denton Bible Church in Denton Texas nineteen ten east university seven six two zero one. You can also call them at eight one seven three eight three three three four five. Several couples have been really thrilled to hear this teaching on Song of Solomon… saying it has rejuvinated their marriage. I have no connection to the church aside from having listened to the teaching and been completely amazed!
To those that responded to my earlier post. I personally do show affection. She wants hugs. I give her hugs. I help out around the house (of course I never do it well enought for her. Or she does not notice or acknowledge when I do.) I tell her I love her, that she is pretty, and that I love to see her body. Never have criticized her weight. I have even overheard heard her commenting to her friends about how I never criticized her or made her feel less attractive when she put on weight. (she is trying to loose it now and was talking about dieting with them). I try to plan dates but they usually get shot down. Try to find activities we can do together (other than go to scrapbook stores) and have failed at that.
Maybe other guys don’t treat their wives like princesses but I do (or rather I used to) and it does no good. I am tired, and see myself turning more to stonewalling. I am beginning to understand how affairs can happen and I have always thought than there was no way that I would ever feel that way.
I know a lot of wives will not like me for these comments, but here they are: I honestly feel the the wife sets the tone of the marriage. If she is extremely critical, nagging, or disrespectful to her husband, then he will be withdrawn, humiliated, and frustrated. Why would he want to talk with his wife if she behaves in such a manner. On the other hand, if the wife is supportive, grateful, and respects her husband’s ideas, the husband will feel be more willing to talk with her, listen to her ideas, and do what he can to make her happy and content. This is what the wife wants to feel in the first place. Our husbands want us to be happy. Ask any husband and that is what he’ll tell you.
My husband and I have been married for more than 26 years and have 3 sons. I try really hard to never control my husband’s life or his thoughts and feelings. For instance, when he shares his feelings with me, I will never tell him he shouldn’t feel a certain way or that he’s stupid for feeling that way. Therefore, he is usually more willing to talk with me and tell me how he’s feeling. Aslo, whenever he is doing something at his job or around the house, I never even suggest a better way of doing it. Even if I feel I am being helpful. He’s an adult and knows how he wants to complete a task. I am not his mother to tell how to do it better or differently. Likewise, he never criticizes me when I am completing a chore or project. He usually compliments my actions, even if he would have done it differently.
I am happier than I have ever been in my marriage and the sex just keeps getting better. Marriage is a partnership, not an entitlement program.
Ok, short and sweet. Dr. James Dobson’s book, “Sex starts in the kitchen” is probably the best advice for men I’ve ever read. I was surprised at his insight, and I liked that it not only addressed my needs as the wife, but helped me see his side too.
Try to save the negative or conflict management to a weekly set time so it doesn’t spill over and poison all the good times – epsicially the physical intimacy – I understand the need for connection but a long dumping of everything before every love making time really kills it. Of course if you made love every day it would be less to catch up on. The wife may not need the release of full intercourse – but the man usually does.
Wives – the kids need two loving parents who love each other and have time for each other more than the extra big house or whatever it is that takes all your time and energy so you don’t make love at least 2 or 3 times a week.
It seems shallow but I no longer apologize for the way God made me – I desire physical intimacy 2 or preferably 3 or 4 times a week – sometimes at a late hour when I have been hit with temptation but rarely. I sure appreciate it when she’s there for me and I sure feel unappreciated and unloved when I’m suffering and burning but she’s too “tired” and just reads a book for 30 min before bed instead. I would gladly listen to her day story or give a massage or take the kids while she soaked in the tub. Please don’t leave me burning in a world full of temptation – that’s not love – espeically when one failure in that area can end the whole relationship. It needs to be a high priority.
1st-about criticism. I have to admit I was critical of my husband for many years. I actually thought I was “helping” him. I listened to Shaunti Feldhan’s tapes, “the Secret lives of Men,” and I learned about men’s deep desire for respect. I realized that some things I intended to be helpful were taken as criticism and disrespect. I’ve had to change how I word things–it makes all the difference. I also have to bite my tongue sometimes. Guys, try to understand that your wife may not realize how she is coming across. She probably doesn’t realize she is hurting you. Of course there are both men and women who are downright critical and verbally abusive. Then you probably need outside help.
2nd-wanting to talk. Women are very verbal and get emotionally connected through talking. She needs to be listened to. She wants to know what you think and how you feel. I found that if my husband spends 10 or 15 minutes on the couch with me, with the TV off, just talking, that really fills up my “love tank.” A little goes a long way. And the more satisfied she is emotionally, the more sexually responsive she is likely to be…
3rd–Another thing I learned from Shaunti was that men feel love and connected to their wives through sex. This is to the women out there. Men are not perverts for wanting sex with their wives. They are made that way! Some of the comments where women say things like “You’re just doing that to get sex,” you’re jumping to conclusions about your man’s motives and criticizing him for his God-given needs. I say have sex more frequently if he wants too. Find some middle ground. When I do I am happier because I know it makes him feel close to me. However, if there is abuse or manipulation going on, that isn’t healthy, get some outside help.
We have been married for twenty-nine years. two years ago we were seperated for eleven months. Sex and vilonce was a big problem in our live before our seperation. When we talked about getting back and trying to communicate and understand each other better we both agreed. Well it has been two year that we got back together, our problem now is that he had a female cousin that he says was always there for him when we were seperated.(there for him means she always drank with him.) The first four months of us getting together were great now he is always with his female cousin and started talking to the girl he used to date when we were seperated, now he hates to do anything with the kids or grandkids he is always negetive of every thing I say or do. he complains with whatever I do,(can’t you ever do anything right) and won’t even attempt to touch me when we go to bed much less have sex, its like I am not even there. and says he dosen’t think it is going to work out because I don’t change. oh and by the way his female cousin gives him advise.
There are two things I would recommend, one is having devotions together every day. Just a short devotion from a book, then read a portion of the Bible, and then pray together as husband and wife. The other thing I would recommend is the book: “The Act of Marriage” or “The Act of Marriage After 40″. Both the devotional time and the book have made a big difference in our relationship.
A lot of people posting on here sound like they have really terrible relationships! I hope that they have had the courage to talk to their significant others about all the things they are complaining about here. You can’t let your spouse avoid talking about these issues. It’s conceivable that some women want to talk more than their husbands, but everyone needs to talk about the issues that are important. If you feel unloved and unappreciated, or just want someone to do something differently, you’ve got to kindly and gently let the person know. If you have to specify that this isn’t meant as an attack or criticism, then do it. Make sure the other person understands where you’re coming from. Too many people go through their whole relationships assuming that they know what the other person’s thinking, without actually talking about their thoughts. You can’t complain about a problem in your relationship if you can’t say for sure that your partner also knows that it is a problem. If your partner DOES know that it’s a problem, but is making no effort to work on it, then you really should consider more drastic measures like therapy… or just getting out of the relationship.
Come on people! Communicate and compromise! Communication is key, and sex is key too, and you shouldn’t neglect either of them. I think probably those are the biggest compromises people need to make, but relationships are ALL about compromise, you know that – so step up to the plate and compromise! But both people need to be in it together, or else it probably won’t work.
One failed marriage, and working on a second.. and I’m giving advice… Well, here goes. It’s all about open-minded communication – not accusations and not threats or sexual “weapons”. We either love our spouse and want it to last or we want to sit around and complain about it… It’s also about treating your spouse the way you want to be treated. Guys, wanna be treated like a king in your home? – treat your wife like a queen – same goes for women. It’s hard I know – I get a hard head sometimes and think, “why does he always want something in return?” – well, then I mentally pop myself and say “stop being so stubborn, and just say something nice to him – make him feel special” – it ALWAYS comes back in a good way – it’s hard work, but if you don’t talk things through, calmly and sincerely, it will never get better. So guys LISTEN to your wives – make her feel special, then she’ll probably be less critical and more likely to have sex. Oh – and I agree with a previous comment, you gotta have foreplay – women need that, and flirt with us during the day or in public – THAT will get you what you want… and both parties will enjoy it! GOOD LUCK!
Ok, here’s my two cents worth. I see alot of good information here. I feel, personally, that there are few men out there that actually “work” on their marriage. Marriage is hard work. Constantly. Women tend to work on their marriage, by trying to please their husbands, take care of their kids and home to the best of their ability…(there are also some exceptions) But i’ve seen only a few men that actually “work” on their marriages. I’ve been married twice; first to an alcoholic for 10 years and now surpassing 12 years with my current. Neither of these men expected in the beginning that they had to change much of what they were doing once they got married, except the obvious….being monogamous. Marriage, house and kids come along and a women’s workload triples. Not so with men.
SEX_ I have never refused sex to my husband, even when there were times that i wanted to because i was too tired. But even with that, 2 mins of foreplay and I’m supposed to be ready to go? Gimme a break. No romance? Nothing? Sex is not a sport. You don’t just throw on your gear and get out there. If you don’t “train” to be the best you can be, before a “game”, you will not be giving it your all. Where’s your “training”, men?
My husband wants me to dress up, look good, smell good, etc… but even when i do that, nothing changes. ..becuase its always me putting in the effort. I’ve tried doing exactly what he wanted, consistently, in hopes that he would want to reciprocate occasionally what i like, or even have sex more often, but he doesn’t change. I guess that’s the point….men don’t change when their situations all around them DO. Most men I see just go to work, come home and do what they like, be it the computer, or watch tv…or play sports, mowing the lawn and taking out the trash once a week…an occasional load of laundry or getting dinner ready, or occasionally playing with the kids and that’s about it.
There are exceptions, and I call these men REAL men. Real men step up to the plate and do WHATEVER needs to be done, be it dishes or picking up cat puke…real men do the best they can. They don’t sit around and watch a women do it all, or wait for the woman to do it. Most men don’t have this attitude when they play sports….they don’t stand there stupidly, waiting for someone else to catch that football….becuase its their “job”….no, no, men jump in and try to catch it if they think they can. If marriage is a partnership/team, then how come men don’t treat it like it is?
TALKING- It’s my nature to talk, and I admit i can go ’round and ’round about something if it upsets me, but I am working on it. My husband doesn’t “talk” to me. He only talks about what’s necessary…so talking to my husband is useless. He’s quiet by nature, so i try not to bug him about it. He listens to me half-hazardly…..i guess he appears to listen, but has no responses. Not so with all men, because i can talk easily to many other men, including his brothers, about social events, etc…. but ask my husband what his hopes and dreams are, or any goals he might have, and he will tell you he doesn’t know. I give up on this one. The only time we really talk, is never. If there is an issue between us, I do all the talking and he might have a one-setence answer.
CRITICAL- I NOW fail at this miserably, because he has let me down. It’s hard not to be this way when your spouse appears selfish, and expects you to do it all. Why would i have anything nice to say to someone who just takes advantage of me, and expects me to praise them for their little effort, when i’ve never gotten praise for anything i’ve ever done?? We’re all adults, aren’t we? Can’t he learn how to clean a dish properly by age 39, or remember to go to the bank by perhaps jotting down a note for himself? I find it extremely difficult to keep my big mouth shut when i’ve done ump-teen things all day, and he can’t complete two small duties to the best of his ability as a 39 year old man. This blows my mind. I feel stupid saying “thanks for cleaning the dishes the right way and actually getting them clean, honey”….or “thanks for getting to the bank on time, so your credit doesn’t get ruined”
I know no one can take advantage of me unless i allow them to do it…and I am learning that I’ve given so much of myself i cannot do it anymore. My kids are getting older where they don’t need me so much, so I no longer do the stuff that i don’t want to do. Now I do only exactly what i want to do, and i do it for me. And best of all, I don’t feel guilty.
It sounds as though there are a lot of unhappy people out there, staying in marriages for the marriage’s sake. My husband and I were separated all summer, and are now in the process of reconciling. I can sympathize with those who aren’t happy in their marriage, but I also have come to realize how much hard work is involved in having a “happily ever after.” I am lucky that my husband understands that when I need to talk, I’m not asking for a solution – I’m asking for an ear. I have noticed that I become much more critical of him (and our marriage) when I don’t feel secure in his affections. However, when I feel like he is putting me first, it is much easier to reciprocate. The same goes for sex – when I know that he is as emotionally involved in the relationship and the physical enjoyment of it, I get turned on much easier and faster. So, women: check your self-esteem levels, boost them if you need to, and turn yourself into a hot mama he won’t want to yell at, ignore, or disrespect! Men, treat your woman like a queen, and you’ll get everything you want. Seem simple? It takes a lot of hard work, but when you get there, it’s worth it!
The most important thing is communication. Talk to your wife, ask her why she’s not interested in sex, but give her a safe place to land when she responds. If you really want to know why she’s unresponsive, you need to listen when she tries to tell you what’s troubling her and causing her to withdraw and really listen when she talks to you. Don’t get defensive or make her feel guilty. In order to have a healthy marriage, you need to uplift one another. You should be her biggest fan and she should be yours. Give each other permission to express your hurts, concerns, fears and when expressing yourselves to one another, try to be sensitive to each other’s feelings. You are communicating to help your marriage, not to hurt each other. If your wife feels adored and understood, she will want to be close to you spiritually and physically.
If you (the man) puts and keeps God first in your life, then I (the woman) will be full of love, passion, and desire for you. This will (without a doubt) lead to frequent SEX, MAKING LOVE, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT!
Try to save the negative or conflict management to a weekly set time so it doesn’t
spill over and poison all the good times – epsicially the physical intimacy – I understand
the need for connection but a long dumping of everything before every love making time
really kills it. Of course if we made love every day it would be less to catch up on.
Maybe this is what men mean when they say there is too much talk?
Kids occationallly have some needs that trump everything but they will live without every meal being perfect or if you sit them in front of the TV for an hour so you 2 can be together.
Too often the parent’s love life suffers and the kids end up in a single parent home – put your relationship and each other, not the kids, first (that is putting God first). Kids will only be around 18 years, your spouse could be loving you for 50 or 60 years.
Schedule times for love and more than once a week so one of you isn’t getting turned down and humiliated over and over until he/she starts looking elsewhere – even if only in the mind.
Okay, so you ladies want a man’s point of view. Men think a lot different from you. If we have a problem we will speak our mind and if you are still having bedroom sex we assume all is well. I think women feel that men should be able to pickup on hints or mood swings. I for one am not a mind reader so if there is a minor problem ladies, speak up before it becomes a major one. I know I will be chastised for this next comment but here it goes. Ladies for men it is 90% about the sex. I for one feel a special connection when I am having intercourse with my wife. It is the most passionate way of sharing my feelings of love. There is no closer connection or way of telling my wife how intents my love is for her. Being in each others arms and and physically inside our kisses of passion is the ulimate way of expression. It is not just about me, in fact I make very attempt to see that she is satisfied before me and more times that not it is simultaneous. Knowing she having an organism brings me. The unfortunate part of the male makeup is that foreplay is something that we can’t do all day long. If we did we could not get anything else done. To arouse a man it only takes about 6 seconds of any day. You can just give us a cute smile and it is interped as “sex” It is difficult to focus on all day foreplay just to have sex for 45 minutes at the end of the day. Ladies you need to initiate the early day foreplay, let us know you’re interested. I hate to say it because it will be like betraying my gender but ladies know this, if you can keep your man excited about your sex life he will move the world for you. Anything you want you can get from us by keeping the intimacy and romance and the fire burning in your man’s heart. BUT don’t be taken for granted ladies there is a difference between love and lust.
Best book I ever read on marriage: 7 Principles for Making Marriage Word by Dr. John Gottman If we are really serious about wanting our marriages to be good, we need to be willing to acutally do something about it. It’s easy to think that I am “right”, but I could finally see my areas of fault when I read this book.
A relationship with your spouse is extremely important. You need communication, consideration and caring will all play a major role. Then having sex with a loving partner is the icing on the cake. Yes, you can have your cake and eat it too!
However, my partner is loud and obnoxious which is a turn off. He lives in the past. Breeds negativity. Thinks money is everything. Smokes pot and drinks daily. We are now going into 24 years of marriage and sometimes I wonder where this is going.
He has a lot of good too! He does cook and he is the bread winner. I am greatful for what he does. Althought I am in need of a loving partner. Someone I can talk to without being yelled at or criticized. We are in this as a together thing but most of the time I don’t feel that way. So why should I be attracted to someone like that. He would find more pleasure in sex being a loving partner is all aspects.
While all of the comments by women are helpful, one thing always seems to jump out at me. You hear regularly that if men only acted like they did when couples were dating, their women would be more responsive to them. It seems to me pretty obvious that this works both ways. How many women out there can honestly say that they behave the same way that they did when they were dating? How many wifes out there still “doll themselves up” knowing that their husband is coming home? When was the last time YOU surprised HIM by doing something like wearing some lingerie? How about treating him like he was the sexiest man alive? I believe that all too often when people get married, the wife feels that “now he should love me for who I am” and that they shouldn’t have to do these things to get his attention, yet expect him to behave like they are still dating. While I do not disagree that men behave differently, so do women. It’s a two-way street ladies. And by the way, my wife doesn’t work, and I work at home. For my own example, here’s a rundown of my life since last night. I went to bed about 9:30 (i get up about 6:30) and my wife said she’d be right back. She was on the computer when I went to bed. She fell asleep on the couch, and woke up and came to bed around 4 am. I got up checked my computer’s history, and she’d been online chatting. She woke up about 11:45. I then came upstairs and got her first cup of coffee, like I do every morning. I then ran to the local store for some things that we need, put in a load of wash, and made my own lunch, and came back to work, my lunchtime shot. Sound like she treats me like we’re still dating? Rant over. Thanks for listening…..lol.
This is to Leeanne whose husband has some issues with the myths of motherhood. Some men, (especially Catholics or any religion that puts a heavy empasis on Mother Mary) have a hard time seeing the mother of their children as a sexual being because they have gotten it into their heads somehow (Mary, the mother of Jesus and a saint) . Thankfully, my husband discussed this before having children or even getting married, so I knew he would still find me sexually attractive throughout my pregnancy and I too found that my sex drive was the best during pregnancy (probably because I didn’t have to stop and try to remember whether I had taken my birth control pill that day). Sounds like Leeanne’s husband has major issues and since he’s not willing to talk about it without getting defensive, he might not agree to counseling. If his subconscious feels that motherhood is so “sanctified”, I wonder how he feels about putting his child through living with two unhappily married parents who show no affection for each other, or even a home broken via divorce. How does he feel about you seeing someone else to get your needs met? You might want to get ahold of a book called “The myths of motherhood” just to understand his “neurosis”. Men hate ultimatums, but you may have no choice. After all, you can’t be a good mother or wife if your needs aren’t being met, just as he can’t be a good father or husband.
Sometimes its just tough! My hubby and I have a great sex life in my eyes…he’s good at it, and its frequent…at least to me 5+ times a week is frequent. But I think he’s a sex addict too and its never enough. He can be dog tired and be up 20 hours straight and we’ve done it in the morning, and at noon, and if I let him fall asleep at 7pm he’s mad and rejected because I didnt wake him up for sex. And affection is sexual, not just affection. But its impossible for him to understand that…or is it impossible for me to understand his point? Sometimes he makes me wonder if its me with the problem. And sometimes I wonder if men and women EVER see things the same way? Tonight we argued, and I usually just end up feeling like I’m the most unreasonable person there is – but how to tell?
I just plain hate sex. It’s like work and just not worth the trouble. I’ve spoken with my doctor about this and he says I”m not alone. I wished it wasn’t this way, but do not know what I can do. My husband is “fairly” understanding, but he doesn’t understand fully when I try to explain it to him. I accomadate him but do not get involved, it’s all just gross to me. I’d rather read a book, do laundry or cut the grass than have sex. Any other ladies having this problem? I’m 56, thru menopause and on no hormones, am very active and physically fit…so I should just be jumping him all the time, love him to death. But can’t get into the physical thing. Any advice??
I am a happily married woman and I am sorry so many are not. This is my third marriage,(his fourth), and we finally got it right. Sex has always been a huge area of discontent for both of us mainly due to poor communication and pride. I am more sexual than he is and need sex more often. I tried the sexy clothes, the sexy make-up, even initiating sex duing a shower or while cooking together. He said I made it seem like a job! OK so how did we fix it? I had to become open and honest and give him some guidance because none of his former wiv ,es were sexually demanding. In fact he saw the wife as child and husband care giver and the bar whores were his oulet. He had to come to terms that I am unlike prior wives in that I have always enjoyed a rich sex life and am by nature a sensual woman. So we both had to move closer to a compromise- I had to show( I MEAN REALLY) him how I need to be touched and spoken to, and then regardless of my health or tiredness- he came to realize I will not reject him when he initiates intimacy. Often we start out with me rolling over and turning my back to him, (this was seen by him as a sign to leave me alone), but he knows that if he is playful and gentle, I will roll over and respond. Each time we get it right makes our marriage stronger. Ladies, now foreplay lasts a good (re-multiorgasmic) half hour. Please people- sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Keep exploring each others bodies and minds until you understand the “buttons “(fantasies.fetishes, turn-ons)that are unique to your spouse and then push them at every opportunity.
i just want to say that i sooooo appreciate the honesty of Putz. We need more men to just tell us how it is and how they think. I at times try to figure out different ways of how my marriage could be so much better and still haven’t figured it out. I think it helps getting a guys perspective of how they think it could be better. Oh and ladies we all pretty much think alike and have the same issues.
I want to ask the men….. How long before you start looking else where???? If we have sex with you once a week is that enough for you to stay connected to us ??? And … do you mind if were not all “dolled up” while having sex?
Well, I have a husband that works a lot, and I do everything (90%) of the chores in the house, I cook everynight dinner, take care of the child, work (part-time), and the most important think I keep in great shape but in spite of these my husband doesn’t offer any attention or help just to humore me. I am the one that wants more sex than him and even when he wants it there is no forplay. Why men like to rush for sex when you are not freshly dating or the “honey moon” is gone?
Showers at night, early to bed with snuggles when you are exhausted, then waking up 1/2 hour before the kids for the fun part can start the day off right. It takes practice to keep your mind in the bedroom rather than all the stuff you need to get done but is a great time to steal 30 minutes of private time – even if all you do is snuggle sometimes. And it’s quite OK for the kids to respect a closed door, they can also have a closed door for privacy that you respect……….
Dear Anonymous,
You do not have to be dolled up. If he loves you, your man would take you just as you are. Make it fun, when the time is right, but not to keep connected.
By the way, thanks to all the helpful comments, I learned a lot today.
Being intimate with my husband is a wonderful show of affection, love, committment and connection. It is very hard to feel connected if fatigued from parenting, working, cooking and cleaning. Nothing is sexier than a man that helps with all those things. A warm bath waiting for me allows me to decompress and transform from a chauffuer, referee, chef etc back into his wife and his love.
The lack of sex and interesting sex is a major issue in my marriage. I speak candidly with my wife about this problem, and I always get, “I’ll work on it”. Guess what, I’ve been getting this B.S. answer since we got married, and I’m sick to death of it. I’ll never cheat on my wife, but I can certainly see why men committ adultery. YOU don’t want us looking at porn or seeing someone else, but many of YOU (my wife included) couldn’t give a damn about satisfying simple physical needs that are natural to most men. The fact that many wives are unreceptive to their husbands in what has become an overly-sexualized world is even more irking and (in my opinion) dangerous to marriage.
I help with our child, with chores and household duties, I work, and I’m going back to school. I’ve never insulted my wife’s looks. Yet, the only great sex we’ve had is when she came home drunk from going out with her friends one night and the 9 months she was pregnant. Good sex is also very rare. I don’t require much. Just that she acts like she gives a damn when we’re in bed together. Most of the time I get perfunctory sex with no interest in wearing even sexy underwear. It all comes off, wham-bam, and then it’s over. This is particularly upsetting to me since sex is a means for me to feel close to her. However, there have been far too many times I’ve felt cold and empty after sex.
We averaged sex maybe 4 or 5 times a month before our baby. With the baby, I’m sure that will go down as it already has. My wife didn’t have too difficult a pregnancy, and she’s already healed. We’ve had sex one unexciting time since. Sex is apparently only a weekend thing for her. So nothing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I received the honor of being turned down again with her saying we’ll possibly have sex tomorrow if the child is asleep. Obviously, she isn’t taking me seriously when I speak to her on sexual matters. I’m getting bitter.
To all the women who can actually see this issue from the man’s point of view and have given comments-thank you. To all the rest who complain about their needs without considering your husband’s frick’n natural sexual desires in a world that constantly bombards him with temptation: I got something to say to you. PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR SELFISH BEHINDS! The fact that your husband even wants to have sex with you, YOU, the one he married, usually indicates he still desires and has interest in you. If you continue to turn him down because you’d rather read or some other damn thing, then I’ve got news for you. Your marriage is either dead, ending, or well on its way to ending. And I don’t care how religious you think your husband is, he’s probably either miserable (and sadly, that’s the best case scenario for you), wacking-off to porn, or cheating on your stingy, selfish behind. And I believe you deserve all of it!
One final note. My bitter stab at the women who don’t have a clue as to the severity of this problem is only aimed at those who have good, decent men as husbands. Losers and abusers get no sympathy from me.