Women’s Top Marriage Complaints
“He is never romantic.”
“He won’t help around the house.”
“He doesn’t share his feelings.”
What is your advice for frustrated wives out there? Take this opportunity to give women a man’s point of view! Remember you can remain anonymous and the top responses will be posted instantly. Submit your answer now.
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“He doesn’t share his feelings.”
When I was young, naive, and single, my anticipation in regards to the type of relationship I would share with my wife included a closeness in sharing of ideas and feelings. The mere idea that I could express anything to my wife and not be judged negatively for it was among those which I looked forward to. Unfortunately, it never came to fruition. Like talking to a best friend, whether it is meant to blow off steam, share a complaint, reveal excitement over something hoped for, something dreamed, concepts finally understood, a new discovery, confide a secret, or try to uplift a downtrodden spirit, I desired it all. I learned early on that to open up was not received with any kind of thankfulness or neutrality. Rather, it was met with startling resentment and negativity. This I have labeled my bigest disappointment in married life, that I do not have a best friend in my wife, just a team member that doesn’t understand me. I find I must pick and choose exactly what topics to share, thereby avoiding the conflict that resides so close at hand. Many ideas I just swallow and lose the savor of why I would have wanted to share them in the first place. There have been times throughout marriage when I have tested the waters of communication again to see if the effect is any more desirable. I have yet to experience success in this regard, to my dismay.
Dido Ken,
Women say they want to know your feelings. That unless it invovles them, it always end in her saying “whatever” or ” well you do _____ that to me”. In 8 years of marraige my wife has never said she was sorry about anything its always my fault. I can be out working the dryer stops working it’s my fault. I find my self saying I sorry just to break the silence. If women would just remember its there job to love us its God job to change us we all would be happier.
Romance: If you want romance, be romantic. Have your welcomed your husbands home to a bedroom full of candles, a hot bath, and a sexy new nightie? Do you wear an old rock band t-shirt and granny panties to bed or something more? And the last time your husband wanted to take you to movie or out to dinner did you come up with some excuse? “not tonight, I have to work on my scrapbook”
Help: How often do you mow the grass? change the oil in the cars? fertilize the lawn? wash the car? Is he really the only one that does not help? or do you each do things that are important?
Feelings: First, I always say don’t ask the question unless you want to hear the answer. Do you really want to know what we are feeling or do you just want us to agree with what you are feeling, or do you really just want us to build you up? Are you ready to hear that we feel that you don’t appreciate us? the work we do to provide for you? that we get upset that we have to do something special to be worthy of your love in the bedroom? that you make us feel like we are perverted because we want to make love with you everyday?
1) Gosh.. men can be very romantic.. maybe you just have the wrong man.. some women don’t want romance, go figure. A few winks in his direction and some occasional hints that romance is important will get the message through even the thickest skulls. Romance really is a two-way street.
2) What women seem to want around the house is another woman, not a lover. Perhaps we are meant to live in larger social groups where there are sisters and other women around to help organize work and get men to do their share. If your man does not help, then learn one lesson – men and women think and communicate differently. There are plenty of books about this. Modern men find the house to be a foreign place. If you want your man to clean the bathroom, tell him to do it and he gladly will. Men simply do not have the intuition to “know” what needs to be done. You didn’t marry an idiot, and you also did not marry a woman. Fact is, a man will do just about anything if he believes its being done for you, something that you want – but he has to be told – over and over.
3) I believe that men are evolved to be quiet, considered, careful not to get into trouble with loose lips. This extends to all relationships, including his most important one – yours. Your man is not defective if he doesn’t share his feelings.. in fact he is very manly. If you wanted to marry someone who naturally shares feelings on a regular basis, you should not have married a man. I know this sounds silly.. it sounds silly saying it. Men will talk about feelings, but it feels rather unnatural, so it takes some coaxing. Make a situation where there is no fear of being misunderstood, and be very inviting. Your man will share.
See – I numbered my comments.. just like a man! what a jerk.
Ditto Ken and Steve. Why share your thoughts or feelings when your historical past will be brought up to justify the behavior or attitude you wish to change. We men just want a little appreciation for trying to make our wives happy. If we don’t get with their program, we’re insensitive and brutes. If we give in and it caused continued problems, then we are accused of not setting the example and being a leader or handling problems. I’ve learned where my wive’s minefields are and I mark the ones I have discovered. I’ve got a few more to discover before the kids get out of the house.
Romantic: You may need to explain to him just what you’d like him to do and why it’s important to you, and to him. Just as specifying the birthday present you’d like may be less satisfying than receiving it as a surprise, spelling things out may deflate some of the pleasure, but people can’t read minds, and individuals (not just men vs. women) all have different preferences. You wouldn’t expect to start a job and automatically know what to do; you need to go to school or at least have on-the-job training. Hopefully, you’ll only need to explain a few times, and then he’ll remember from then on, but his memory might need some maintenance reminders from time to time. Not too much maintenance, though. That would be nagging. Yes, it’s a fine line between nagging and talking. Try to aim for gentle but clear.
Help around the house: Ditto the above advice. If that doesn’t work, you might try a list or schedule of chores for both of you. Compose the list together so that you both agree it’s fair. Also agree in advance on how to enforce it. Perhaps you can treat it like a duty list at work. For example, if you can’t finish one item, you need to make up for it by doing an extra item of his. My wife and I fortunately have not had this problem, thus we’ve never tried this, but it seems reasonable. You could think of it like a budget, but for your time instead of your money.
He doesn’t share his feelings: I love to talk, but strangely I do feel reluctance sometimes to discuss everything with my wife. I’m not even sure why, but maybe I’m scared of a negative comment, and since my wife is such an important person in my life, her reaction could greatly affect my feelings and our relations. I might also be scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting her, which may be a result of her getting angry in the past at things I wouldn’t have predicted. It’s like touching some object which, 10% of the time, was hot and burned you; after getting burned once or twice, you’ll never touch it again, even though 90% of the time it’s safe. Something that surprised me about marriage was that, although couples supposedly love each other more than anyone else, most of them treat each other worse than anyone else. People wouldn’t yell at a co-worker or acquaintance for buying the wrong brand of donuts, but they’ll yell at their spouse for something minor like that. That puzzles and disappoints me. I think that people treat their spouses poorly partly because they can get away with it, whereas if we treat other people poorly, we’ll be punished in some way (we’d be ostracized or fired at work, or dropped by friends, or beaten up by strangers). The other reason is frustration and the fact that a spouse’s behavior affects us so greatly. Getting back to the problem of getting him to share his feelings, first make sure to remove any potential threats to his feelings. Set an example by talking calmly and openly yourself. If you have been angry or nagging, you may need to stop nagging and getting angry for several weeks or months so that he can feel safe to open up, like a turtle coming out of his shell when the threat has passed. After he’s seen that the minefield has been cleared, ask him to express his feelings. Be gentle and specific. If he does, then thank him for doing so or give some positive comment. Positive reinforcement will encourage him to talk more. Negative reinforcement will teach him to talk less.
Nice honest answers, Steve! I’m impressed with your suggestions and thought-provoking questions. I, also, am tired of hearing my [women] friends complain about their hubbies not being interested enough in them, yet they only call them at work when they are in “crisis” or need something, don’t greet them at the door with a loving hug and kiss but immediately ask them to help w/ the children, and are afraid of them seeking sex elsewhere yet have gotten fat and given up on making themselves look nice since having children. Too many of us still think marriage is 50/50, when in reality it’s more toward 100/100 (or at least 90/90) for it to work well and be pleasing to each other; in general you get what you give. Jesus said to love our neighbor [that means spouse also] as you love yourself. Maybe the “Golden Rule” should be in our marriage vows…
I believe that everything in a marriage is centred on two factors. The first is that man by nature expects and needs his wife to submit to him and if that does not happen he will find it difficult to show his wife affection. The second thing is that a wife expects and needs her husband to love her and show her that all his attention is on her and if that does not happen then she defies anything that her husband expects of her. Timing is the most vital component in this equation as both parties expect the other to do their part first before they respond. When a man feels like a king in his own home, he can do literally anything for his wife. He can be romantic, he can help with the dishes, he can baby-sit etc. In a home set-up, it is important that both husband and wife understand their roles. Love is not enough, maturity is also required because a mature perception and attitude is what moulds one to be what they become. If one lets bitterness, for example, to come into their lives, they are condemning themself, not their spouse. It is like drinking poision and expecting your spouse to die. The one with bitterness is the one that is adversely affected and then they end up with a misconception that the whole world is against them. Communication is also vital if done correctly. Communication is not about being understood, it is about understanding. By nature, man and woman see any issue from different angles and the most important thing is to understand the other party’s position as it will give you advantage of being the one who understands both sides. Man is generally repelled by a conversation that is full of argument but without profit at the end of the day while a woman seems to want her point heard anyway at all costs. Communication is made effective if the man decides to be patient and listen to every word the wife has to say in spite of himself and the wife also needs to give man room to express himself without interjecting all the time her husband opens up his mouth to speak. All having been said and done, man must love their wives whether they are happy or not and women need to honour their husbands by submitting to them inspite of everything else they have been taught. Ephesians 5:22 – 31 summaries all i have said above.
Steve pretty much said it all ladies.Why is it always about you?How many times have you rejected your husband?Sex to men is everything ladies.Without it we lose our ability to feel close to you.Without closeness comes silence.Men have just as much of a need to feel wanted as a woman does but the more rejection he receives the more distance he will put between you.So believe me ladies without sex you do not want to know what your man to share his thoughts with you.
I have read all the comment made and for me it’s a give and take. My husband doesn’t always help in the house but he does things outside, like mow the lawn and fix things when they break but if I ask him to help me with something he would. It took me awhile to see this but as a working person, I use to come home and have to make supper and clean the house but then I would see my husband just come home and only have to do the lawn on the weekend and I felt like I was being cheated. We both worked but why did I have to do all the chores in the house. I mentionned that one day to my husband and he said well all you have to do is asked me to help and tell me what you want help with. We expect to much, we expect them to read our mind and they can’t unless they have super powers or God. Men and women think differently and we have to be able to communicate, without accusing and hurting each other mentally. Also, I found for us it was better talking when we were both rested and relaxed. Most of the time it was on our days off.
To me, closeness is the No.1 thing that holds any marriage together! If my partner does NOT agree on this I do not care to have her in my life.
I agree with Chris and Shauna’s comments. True love is only possible when we love God above all and our neighbour as our selves. Marrital love is most definitely a two way street. If the husband when he comes home after work, is greeted at the door with a torrent of complaints and demands, this certainly does not stimulate a loving relationship. We should rather inquire how our day has been, showing love and concern for each other. Willingness to sacrifice of ourselves is a must, putting our marriage partner ahead of little old me. Home should be an oasis, a place of peace joy and harmony. When we seek to do the will of the Lord, and the best for each other as husband and wife, we will be blessed by God with a happy marriage relationship.
Thanks Anne-Maire.. you and I have the same basic understanding. Too bad we did meet up earlier in life! You have a lucky husband, and I hope your relationship goes on and on.
I hate the amount of time my husband sits in front of the TV and flips channels. For HOURS! That’s ALL he does!!! Drives me crazy and I HATE tv or anything that comes close to a TV program. We’ve been married for 41 years, happily, but this drives me crazy.
why do us women have to ask the men what to do around the house to help. That’s rediculous! they know things need cleaning, the toliet gets filthy, trash overflowing, groceries all gone, no milk etc. floor could stick to your shoes.
so they expect us to be the maid, and they’ll do a few things if we ask. the lady who wrote in about “the second shift” after she works all day, shoul not have to deligate with her thinking up what to deligate. just do it husbands!! you’re not stupid, you work hard jobs that requier thinking, so your mind cant think at home, cant figure out a washing machine. lets face it, men (often, not all) expect us to take care of them in this maner, like their mom’s may have. so sick of it. they act dumb to it,,, and then expect the world if they take out the trash. good grief, we dont get escalades for making dinner or cleaning all day, its “expected,” its “our job.”
what would God say to all this. i think,,,,, that men are selfish, and think were slaves to them. Jesus treated women on earth the best of all. He did not go by social rules at that time at all. He told martha to give it a rest, when it came to cooking and cleaning. men should try that out!
I have read what most of these men have said. I am at the beginning of a divorce that I don’t want. It hit me like a ton of brinks, I did not see it coming. Men work for their families, provide for them thinking that this is their sole job. Ladies, understand something, we must be told in clear direct language what you want and need. Please don’t exspect us to read between the lines because most of the time, we don’t get it. Men want to be your best friend but it is unlikely. Our feelings have an extra attachment called pride. Pride has ruined many a man. Once pride takes the lead there is no winner. Men love your wivies without limitations. Don’t hold back your feelings in fear of rejection. Ladies support your husbands’ judgement, workout the differences behind closed doors. You are one in spirit with one another. If you believe that, you love him or her as yourself. You will cherish your spouse like nothing else in your life. Your life is hers and hers is yours. Protect your mans pride and respect your womans fellings. Don’t wake up alone one morning and have to wonder why
Putz, Amen to your post.
I, too, am in a separation that I didn’t want or ask for. I am hoping that we can fix it. My husband told me he feels like he has put me and our kids first for so long, that it is his turn to put himself first. He said he doesn’t know who “we” are as a couple anymore because we have gotten into a rut; we don’t or didn’t make time for just us without our kids and it has gotten to this point. He said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. He did agree to counseling and we go this week for the first time. We have been married almost 17 years and have 3 beautiful children. He comes by everyday to see the kids, and we do things as a family, but not as a couple right now. There is no affection between the two of us, but not by my choice. I long to touch him and hold him. I feel we took each other for granted and it has become a problem. I wish I could go back and read these posts before this all happened, to maybe have prevented this situation. Love your spouse, show them you love them all the time; even if just a note or a text message. Make time for each other, and remember men and women are different and we think differently. Make sure you don’t get so caught up in the “he won’t help me” or “he won’t open up to me”, and just realize our differences and love each other any way.
It’s good to see this dialoge going on – it should be helpful to both men and woman. I hear what the guys are saying about tell us what you want. So if we do and then you don’t do it there is a clear feeling of rejection for the woman. I know I’ve done this and gotten this result. Maybe it’s the pride thing – you want us to tell you but how do we do that without you feel like we’ve directed/controlled you to do this? My husband and I tried making lists of things that would make us feel loved. I’m 75% through his list of 20 things and he’s only done 2 on my list – so what should I think of this? And we’re talking simple things like leave me a note on my computer telling me you love me. Ask me to take a walk in the neighborhood with you, come home for lunch with me etc. So we women quit asking and then our first response to our guys is to be hurt or resentful. I can understand why my husband doesn’t like to talk, every talk is about something I wish he was doing more of – and how much it hurts me that he doesn’t. I would think it would benefit the guys to do these things so they fend off the nasty talks but maybe it’s easier to not do and not talk but that will kill the intimacy in your marriage. All I know is it hurts worse when you ask and then they don’t do – and if you guys did that at work you wouldn’t have a good result so why is it ok at home? If you feel like the list would never end – well it doesn’t for any of us – so ask for 2 things they would like you to do this week – and then do them – and ask that you have a talk afterwards where she will only talk about how much she appreciates you doing those things – and build on it from there. And ladies be sure to stick to the appreciation only in that talk – even if it wasn’t exactly as you would have done it. Maybe everything we do doesn’t HAVE to be done/done at the level we do it and we’re better off spending 20 minutes just hangin out with our guy and having fun – than always doing chores.
Live is too short to not spend time loving your spouse – just too short.
Oh and 1 more important thing. I highly recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman – if you are doing things for your spouse and it’s not what makes them feel loved then you might as well not be doing them. So make it count – both of you find out what really makes you feel loved and let your spouse know.
Thanks
It’s VERY difficult to be romantic and share feelings when it’s continually met with “a brick wall”. When the marriage is sacrificed for the sake of raising three great kids, I feel that’s wrong. After months and months of not tuning in to me as a spouse, my gas tank has run dry and now there’s nothing left with which to be romantic and share feelings. For women, life is not compartmentalized—the kids, home, husband, etc are all one. For the man, we see things more compartmentalized and need some true quality time devoted to the couple. Clearly, we all have to sacrifice and give for the healthy home to prosper, but it takews both partners to put that into action.
The only thing that seems to truly work is to acknowledge God expects you to do behave a certain way (unselfishly) whether to your spouse or anyone else, but part of the requirement is extra special treatment for your spouse, because God says so. You don’t get to run out just because you’re not happy (now). I always recommend Gary Smalley’s If Only He Knew… What No Woman Can Resist to explain things to men. I have to admit though, I don’t get a lot (yet) out of his companion book for the woman. I am much much more motivated by simply “because God said so”, and I don’t really need to know the details (I’ve read all the books by now so that is probably part of it also), but for me motivation is really just because it is the right thing to do, and also for the kids. Not that I don’t love my hubby etc… that is just the biggest motivator for me. I’m way too sensitive about men being jerks (I really think most are truthfully, as most are not submitted to God), so I have to remind myself I don’t do these (good) things for ‘men’, or a ‘male’, I’m doing for MY husband and him only (okay, of course in the long run, it is good for all the family and me too).
“He deosn’t share his feelings.”
I have been married 32 years and my guess is some women need to be more patient to enough to allow a man to share his feelings. Most men need more time to think and respond.
Often my wife asks me a question and while I am considering a reply to the question she asks another question. My thoughts go to the second question and then she asks a third question and my thoughts are changed again to the third question. Then as I am thinking about the third question she expresses her total frustration with me. I feel like she has changed what I am supposed to thinking about three times and now she is aggravated with me. Most women just think and talk so much faster than men. You might try slowing down and trying to maintain an atmosphere that supports sharing.
The next thing is I would suggest is to not be judgmental about feelings that don’t necessarily match up with yours. Men and women are different and see things differently. Sometimes I think women don’t really want our feelings they just want their own feelings validated and woe is the man that dares to open up and express his own feelings.
It is sad but sometimes men learn that sharing feelings can just cause them trouble than it is worth.
I’m also in a separation I don’t really want and hope will end in reconcilliation. God’s been showing me how my disrespect and lack of understanding of my husband and his needs have contributed to my present situation. And so has my criticism and attempts to control and change him over the years. I have been guilty of not appreciating him and of taking his hard work and provision for granted.
That all said, my husband is seldom willing to take responsibility for the unpleasant ways he behaves that contribute to my negative feelings. If I ask him for more time and attention, it is heard as criticism, and he shuts me out. If I try to address any problem between us, he refuses to interact with me or work out a solution. He ignores how I feel about many things, and deliberately does the opposite. My interest in sex has diminished as a result, which has made things worse. He bottles all of his feelings up inside, getting continually more withdrawn and irritable, until every so many years he hurts me in some way physically, to “teach me a lesson” as it were for not treating him the way he feels he deserves. For the most part, he has resisted and stubbornly refused any serious or long-term counseling, though I’ve begged. He sees my requests as just more criticism, and thinks counseling is for weak people who can’t figure out their own problems. His sad solution is to just avoid ever dealing with anything.
Even though I may be in the wrong often, no amount of immature or even unkind behavior on my part warrants having to live in fear. I’ve finally insisted he get help, but our past year together since the last incident has been so strained and painful, and we’ve both felt so unloved, that he left convinced I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. Actually, I just wanted him to work on his issues and overcome them, but I made him feel pretty bad about himself.
I guess if there’s anything I’ve hopefully learned, it’s that we have to learn how to express negative things because they’ll eat us up inside and cause explosions if we don’t. But it’s GOT to be done very, very carefully without blame and in a way that builds up the other person somehow and doesn’t make them feel like a failure. And without the Holy Spirit to bring healing and understanding, this is next to impossible. It truly has to be a work of God. Also, listening is a lot more beneficial to people than talking is most of the time. And last but not least, just because men act like they have no feelings to hurt, doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings that get hurt.
Thanks for all the sharing, guys. It helps me understand my husband better.
My husband doesn’t want to go anywhere with me. I’m always by myself. A lot of people don’t even know that I’m married. He sits in front of the TV all weekend and doesn’t move. I have to say that he does like to clean, so that helps me alot. But I’m really upset that he doesn’t like to do anything with me. I’ve even offer to do what he likes and it doesn’t work. HELP!!!!
As a christan man I beleave if you give enough to your wife she will inturn give back. So I have cooked her spical meals, remodeled the home, helped her kids with money. walked the mall and watched HG TV
Planed spical nights away ete.etc. And now after 10 years of giving to her and her needs she is still cold. She wont sleep in the same room always some good reason. she goes to sleep on the couch on nights we plan to make love. and yes she complanes about every thing ! I continue to do mi part, I work full time +, keep up the yard and still do half the cooking. But the joy is gone, my heart is cold and I cant trust her with my feelings any more. She had nothing when we got married but, all she can seem to do is find fault with the home I provided. I think we had sex 5 times last year and, when I have tried to talk to her about it she belittles me or gets mad or both. I told her I was a Romantic be for we were married
After 32+ years of marriage and acquiescing to her and her priorities, children, etc. its dawned on me that I’ve lost my identity. My spouse is an only child and, unless its about the children its always about her. SHE is the focal point in our relationship not US. I have heard the word “I” and the preface to a phrase of “I’m not..” a few million times..to the point I could vomit. I have given and given, materially and otherwise, continually submitting to her needs / priorities and those of the family to the point that I no longer know who I am or what I want. In my early 60s, its too late to start over dating, etc. and a divorce would break me anyway. So,
My advice, never ever marry an only child. They will suck the last breath of life out of you.