What Makes Sex Satisfying
What can a married couple do to boost their sexual satisfaction? Sexy lingerie? Role playing? New techniques? Different positions? There isn’t one universal key that will work for every couple. But starting to improve your relationship in the bedroom may not be as complicated as you think.
A recent online study by eHarmony Labs asked participants to rate their current sexual relationship using scale of 1 (Extremely Unsatisfying) to 7 (Extremely Satisfying). Our researchers then compared relationships with a satisfying sex life to relationships with an unsatisfying sex life. Our preliminary findings may help you gain a little insight on simple ways to recapture the spark in your sex life.
The Sex Survey
The route to a good sex life appears to lie in the frequency with which a couple has sex and the quality of their relationship. Our study also showed that these factors are important regardless of your age, how long you have been in the relationship, whether or not you are married, or your number of children. Here are the details of our two key findings:
1) The More, The Better: People satisfied with their sexual relationship tended to have more frequent sex with their partners.
2) Happy Relationship = Happy Sex Life: People satisfied with their sexual relationship were also more satisfied with their overall relationship.
Men vs. Women
You may have thought that relationship satisfaction would only be important for women and sexual frequency only important for men, but BOTH of these findings were true for men AND for women. Yes, it seems that the men surveyed need a good relationship for good sex just as much as women do, and women need frequent sex for a good relationship just as much as men do!
Quick Tips for Fanning the Flames of (Married) Passion
A mutually satisfying sexual relationship clearly enhances the strength of a marriage and vice versa. Here are a few helpful reminders to keep your sex life strong, active and hot:
1. Keep your life in balance. Sometimes a low level of sexual desire can be a reflection of feeling stressed and unusually overbooked. So take a good, long look at your daily activities. Find specific ways to create better balance. Learn to say “no” to others’ requests for your time and “yes” to prioritizing the needs of your relationship. We can assure you that it won’t just take care of itself.
2. Pay close attention to sexual triggers or cues. Take note of what excites you, as it differs for everyone. If certain conditions (wearing a certain outfit, getting a specific compliment or listening to a particular song) make you more receptive to lovemaking, take advantage of these. Be aware of your own body and needs.
3. Communicate your needs. Communication and sexual assertiveness are two factors that studies have found to be predictive of sexual satisfaction. So if you need more foreplay or more (fill-in-the-blank), then ask for it. Expecting your partner to read your mind is a guaranteed recipe for disaster—especially in the bedroom. Be bold, be assertive and communicate the activities you find most arousing.
4. Refresh yourself on what makes your partner excited. In addition to a renewed focus on your own needs, find out what makes your spouse excited. You may be surprised to see that things have changed over the years. Maybe your spouse prefers sex in the morning to start the day instead of at night after a long day. Perhaps his or her interest in certain positions has changed and your routine could really spice up your dynamic. Ask gentle questions to help you truly discover your partner’s pleasure points. Your partner will be more responsive if you show an interest in what he or she wants and needs.
5. Get out of your routine. We tend to slip easily into routine and become creatures of habit. And what becomes habit can become boring. This includes the bedroom, so be creative. Be open. Quickies can be a great way to start doing this for couples that are time-starved. Plus, quickies can help you get creative and spontaneous—two things every couple could use more of in their daily life.
If your sex life is not a priority to you, you can hardly expect it to be satisfying. Don’t be fooled. Keeping your sex life spicy and interesting in a long-term relationship takes effort and attention. Take responsibility for your own satisfaction—in and out of the bedroom. If you’re not pleased with your relationship, make changes. Communicate with your partner and strategize about how to break your bad or boring patterns. Take action, be committed and embrace small as well as major triumphs.
If you completed our study, thank you for your help. Your efforts are helping us learn better ways to improve all aspects of relationships.
(29 votes, average: 4.45 out of 5)
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62 Responses to “What Makes Sex Satisfying”
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excellent
very helpful.
That’s a great article! My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary last week. (He surprised me with a great fun-filled 3-day vacation in Branson, MO!) We’ve had a great satisfying sex life since day one, due to the fact that he took the time to be gentle, loving and patient on our wedding night, setting the stage for me to enjoy and anticipate the act of marriage for a lifetime! Each time gets better and better, and I never dread making love. I once heard that the brain is a woman’s greatest sex organ, and I believe it! The way I think about my husband truly does affect my desire for him! If I find myself thinking critically, I’m probably not going to be too excited about making love. Knowing that, really helps me to keep my thoughts right towards him. As Ruth Graham said, “It’s my responsibility to love my husband; it’s God’s responsibility to make him good!”
What Rebecca says is soo true for both partners
Great information but how do I get my partner to realize I need more to be satisified with our relationship when she is happy with one time a week?
After over 7 years together and almost 5 years of marriage, I am happier than ever – in and out of bed. My husband and I make love every morning. We actually get up early, so we have that special time together. My husband lets me sleep while he makes French Roast coffee, grinding the beans, heating the half and half, getting the proportions just right, and then bringing it to my bedside on a gold tray. My husband is an amazing lover, and his thoughtfulness and love for me fuel my passion; we enjoy making love in the evening, too. We look on our ever-increasing intimacy and marital happiness as a direct result of our sexual intimacy. I am in my late 50’s and my husband is 60, and we’re having the most spectacular sex of our lives.
Once a week, count your blessings. For the last 15-20 years, my wife only gets romanyic once a month-around her period time,
It’s been more than a year for us after 24 years of marriage. I’m thinking it may be too late…
To the Men out there, if you are not getting enough, you are not doing something right. Women are like irons, they warm up slowly, and get just as hot. (There is nothing like having your cage rattled by somebody you love.) Women are extremely critical of themselves in this “perfect and deceptive age of hollywood”. They may need more verbal reinforcement that they are pretty, that you only have eyes for them, that you find them attractice, etc, even if they are carrying a few extra pounds. Women will search for that reinforcement of acceptance. If they are not getting it from you, if their needs are not being met, they will find a way elsewhere. I suppose the same is true for the men. Despite social mores, some men and some women have different “judgement characteristics”. Human nature (serving oneself) dictates thata sort of self pity rationalization can result in justification of actions outside a relationship. “He doesn’t pay enough attention to me, I am not appreciated for what I do for us, or not appreciated for my efforts to help the household”…all can be catalysts for excuses to step outside of the boundaries of commitment. Like some men and women, “dogs” will get sex anywhere they can. Unfortunately, not everybody plays by the same moral code playbook.
I know I feel romantic towards my husband when he cuddles – without groping – and truly seems interested in my feelings. We do have quickie sex but when we both really enjoy it is when I feel loving towards him and that happens when he cares about me.
Needed article! Thanks!
My husband and I are 62 and he isn’t interested in sex at all. I love it and miss it very much. He gets very defensive if I try to talk to him about it and says that we aren’t going anywhere when we talk about it. I think talking is the best thing. I am so hurt I don’t know what to do.
He thinks we are sooo old………..for many things, including sex. I don’t know what to do and I love him very much .
I’ve often wondered what causes sex to fluctuate. I’ve known that having a bad day has an effect and have been working on that. Now I have a guideline for me and for my wife. Thank you.
You’re all lucky. I got way more action while we were dating, even though I was a virgin when we married. We seemed to go from passionate lovers to “just friends.” Thanks for the inspiring article and for the advice. I’m gonna get to work on rekindling that flame!
Did you make a graph for sexual satisfaction against the size of the man’s penis?
I am in the same boat of that message from JJCool. We have been married for 24 years and I just feel like we are roomates with two children. Our oldest is entering college in the Fall and the other one is still in Jr High. I don’t know how we let practically a year go by and not have sex. I just don’t feel passionate toward him and even though he says he loves me so much I don’t see how a loving husband can continue waiting for when wife “feels” like it. He says he tried a couple of times with lack of response from me. I believe I still love him but mostly because we have a history together and are the parents of two beautiful girls. I feel that sex has been more of a priority for me than for him and I
resent that. I feel it has lacked spontaneity and creativity. It’s always been in the bedroom!! Of course, I am not one to bring those things up. It’s in my upbringing to take whatever comes. Therefore, I keep waiting for things to change. Thanks for your article. It did help. I guess I need to try harder than I have.
Couples should read this article together. It can definitely reinforce a good relationship and strengthen a weak one. Communicating feelings honestly is imperative; accepting each other unconditionally is the key. Care, support and encouragement are necessary at all times particularly during times of stress. Love and sex should be intertwined at all levels, physical, psychological, and spiritual. The article addresses very pertinent issues.
To Steve: Tell her. Sometimes couples don’t talk about things like that, and it makes the marriage unneccessarily harder. If you talk openly about your sexual needs, it makes things easier on both sides.
I am a newlywed and have sex about 3 times a week. I never thought I would be the one wanting more. Some weeks it is more. I have had to learn alot about my husband in a years time. Expectation in relationships can break you if they are not put into perspective. I still had to deal with my feelings about sex. I feel like all of it is a learning and growing process.
After nearly 6 years of marriage, my husband’s and my sexual life has gone WAY down the tubes. He wants the same old stuff, all the time – no foreplay. How boring. I am praying God will change things for us soon.
i agree with most of what catherine says….we as married couples are encouraged to express to our partners the things that please each other in the bedroom and out….exerience levels are different for each of us….and if one or the other partner is not experienced enough to undeerstand what the other partner wants….satisfaction will never be obtained…a partner can explain to slow down..or to use a softer touch ..or i like this or that…but if experience is laking…it would be like leading a horse to water..but the horse not understanding how to drink….things of this nature get misunderstood….or the partner will just not understand ..and will feel inadequit …if you are able to please your partner…frequency shouldnt be a problem…to me there is a difference either your having sex..or your making love….and there is no fine line between
Thanks for the article! My husband and I have been married for two years! and we have gone from passionate to just kinda simmering!… we have lots going on and with my 3 kids 10 to 17 we keep busy all the time! And doing too much has affected us in many ways!. I know now we need to say NO and make time for ourselves more often! Thanks
As we age, our hormone levels decline, sometimes to unhealthy levels. A simple blood test can tell you how you are doing. If not in the “normal” range, supplements can make a real difference.
Things are going great between me my husband I am 46 hes 52,we have been married 26 years.We usually have sex about 3 to 4 times a week,things are as exciting as when first got married he still lights my fire he is very passionate.But I think your advice is Great.
We have been married over 30 years… the first 20 of which we had two children… a wonderful family life… and something missing from our sex life… from my point of view. My wife always pleaded “As long as I do what you want, when you want, you should not complain.” My instinct told me she was not being fulfilled sexually.. but I could never get her to rationality discuss it, or agree to counseling. So out of character for her as we had wonderful communication about all else in our lives. Five or so years ago a doctor discovered she had very low testosterone level… and after several months of treatment… she had her first orgasm. We now laugh about all the wasted years of my high level of virility… and her inability to feel the same. The problem now is my age has caught up with me… and I know she wants/needs more then I can give… without a high level of eroticism that she now.. refuses to engage in. I understand the moral line of reasoning… but do not accept we should continue to be unsatisfied sexually. I wish I could discuss this openly with her… and others, to better understand the way forward. I look forward to any comments her
I love the article, i read it by myself because my husband is not home, so as soon as he reaches home we’ll read it 2gether. I am 27 and my husband is 29 and we have been married for 7 years and have 2 girls. Our sex life has been wonderful, he plays football so he’s very energetic and i believe that being active really does help one’s sex life. I can’t complain with my sex life because he’s very romantic and very passionate and it keeps getting better and better. I really do believe that if u really and truly love someone that’s were all the passion will come from, if u don’t and u think u r in love then there’ll be no passion in u’re relationship, and the same position over and over or the same place will become increasingly boring!!!!
Jim: Have your testosterone tested as it can be low due to age or some prescription drugs can also lower the level. After that it’s cake, daily gel on arms or an injection every one or two weeks. This will make a big difference and you’ll feel better to boot.
Ladies: So often you just don’t feel like having sex. My advice is to almost always just do it. Once into it is is really hard not to like what you are doing. Isn’t it rare that you want to quit once you start? I think it is one of those things that you have to fake it til you make it. It really does so much for the man in your life and you will reap many rewards in your relationship just by saying yes more. I cannot imagine getting really old and then thinking, “I wish I would have had sex less often with my husband.”.
My husband and I have been married almost 8 years. He is HOT!!!!! We have sex three or four times a day, in all differet locations, in all kinds of positions. I LOVE IT!!!!!! He is so attentive, kising, hugging, touching, always saying the right thing. He leaves me love notes and calls me during the day to say he loves me. We take wonderful trips together, and he reads me poetry in bed at night, while feeding me chocolate dipped strawberries, and drinking champagne. He buys me gifts for no reason at all, and sends me fresh flowers every week. He has never looked at another woman, he rarely even speaks to another woman. He always spends holidays with my family, and he is happiest when he is doing something to make my life easier. He cooks all our meals, does all the grocery shopping, house cleaning, yard work, and child care. I am truly blessed.
What do you do if your husband gets sex with young girls,who are his daughters age.He’s about 65 years and moves around with girls:25-30 years of age.We didn’t have any sex for 10 years at a stretch.He doesn’t want to talk about this.He starts to play around when he is drunk (alcoholic drinks),without drinks he can’t think of having any intimacy wih me.Please let me know what I should do?I’ve committed everything into Lord’s hands and He’s blessing me with His grace to be an overcomer.
my husband and i had a very sexy courtship lot’s of passion no intercourse. lot’s of orgasms too. he is diabetic and has parkinson’s and after 5 years together and trying several different medications ~ viagra, cialis, etc. we have never had intercourse. i am not even attracted to him sexually anymore. i am 51 and he is 62. the more strained our relationship has become the less attraction I felt. i am on hormone replacement (testos, etc) and still not feeling it. I am a beautiful woman and had a high level of sexual appetite for many, many years and not I feel my libido is on sabatical. my husband and I are working in the relationship in general and currently separated.
Ladies, if you continue to ignore, refuse, frustrate have rare and or boring sex for 20 – 25 years, he will eventually just give up. You will not have the closeness you crave and I don’t know if he can ever trust you again with his feelings.
Great information. Comunication is the key. If you’re healthy and love each other, each one should try to do all he or she can to please the other. I think we’re never too old to learn. Blessings!
Generalization articles sound good until you dig into the details. The responses show this. Yes, we men can try harder. However, even when we communicate our needs to our partner there are times (perhaps many months) where the “chemistry” isn’t quite right. I think that this article needs to address newly married, married for a while, and long lasting marriages. Additionally, it would be nice to see it broken down by couples with/without kids and the ages of the kids. So many things affect our sex lives, but it is nice to see that others have the same issues as we do. Then, for each situation, provide an action plan. For example. If the man communicates his needs, but the woman does not respond and does not offer alternatives, then what should the couple do?
I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, 19 married, and we have terrific sex. We are both in our mid-40s, and have two children.
It’s not unusual for sexual satisfaction and activity to fluctuate throughout a long term relationship. For those of you who have kept the flame alive, congratulations on your terrific sex lives!!! For those of you who are lacking, talk to your partner (not accusingly), get medical help, review what you may be doing to block those feelings in yourself or your relationship. Sometimes the best thing is to start from the beginning and remember why you wanted your partner before the sexual activity died down. It’s never too late to rekindle your relationship, but you both have to work at it and make the effort. Just complaining about a partner who no longer performs or wants sex is not going to fix things, you need to find out why it’s happening and make sure they know that you are willing to communicate and make the effort to find new ways to get back on track.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about it, find some books to read together, rent an erotic movie, play out a fantasy you haven’t tried before. Men, pay attention to your wife/partner! Make her feel special, attractive, desired. Women, stop focusing on the chores/kids/work, and start focusing on yourselves and your relationship! Good luck to everyone!
My husband and I have been together 5 years, married for 2. Things have been rough and hit a slow spot within the last year because we had our first child and taking care of him just drained me. There were days I didn’t even want my husband to touch me since I’d been giving to the baby all day. Things are starting to turn around. There were times while we were dating we’d have sex several times a day, every day to at least once a week after we got married. Once the baby arrived, we’d maybe have sex once or twice a month. He kept count and I never realized that much time has gone by. This article made me realize what I need to do to rekindle that spark. He’s very attentive and patient and will wait until I feel like it again. Now, sex is happening more often and it’s getting back to what it was like when we were dating.
Scott: I have had my testosterone level checked twice in the past 9 months…. all OK… and I take no medication, except the occasional Advil. Thanks for your comment.. and I find it interesting everyone is ignoring, or are unwilling to make a comment regarding how we might improve out sex life. As a point, I am not interested in any other woman then my wife… and look solely to her for any sexual activity…
Mela: you are very much on target… but it takes two make a conversation, where do you go if only one is willing to talk?
to Marla
Done that. I get the “you’re not romantic enought”, I ask what she needs, I get nothing specific. I try more affection and kissing and get the “you’re just doing that to get sex”.. etc etc.. If we do have sex and I try to initiate anything the next day, I get “see, I give you some and all you want is more, you’re never satisfied”. I don’t know what to do, and am starting to find myself trying to avoid all contact instead of having her make me feel like I am some sort of pervert for wanting to make love with my wife.
My husband and I have been married for 23 years… Our sex life was pretty good until later in the years it wasn’t the same… Hubby would get things done to him from me but when it was my turn didn’t really do much to get me me going not even a kiss or a hug that really hurt… Then 6 years ago he started with the name calling and telling me I wasn’t that good at what I was doing … I told him that wasn’t nice to say that but he wouldn’t listen… I was upset hearing it in the bed and outside the bedroom… 4 years ago was the last time we had sex and really I don’t think I would have sex with him I don’t feel the same like I use to and it’s a shame… But he needs to wake up and see why we don’t have sex anymore…
I would usually never post a comment but I worked in the adult industry before turning my personal and professional life around. I have heard all of these complaints from men. As a result when things started slowing down in my own marriage first I prayed then I joined E Harmony marriage and last I did every thing my husband shared that I was unable to allow myself in the past. Wives and husbands please share with your partners and in return husbands and wives please listen. Let your partner know that everything that he or she wants you can and will be. My advice to you is almost everyone loves a good massage so get some of your best lotion or oil and let the fun begin. I know that you have heard this before but I paid for my first house with massage sessions. Trust Me.
THIS ADVICE WILL HELP YOU CELEBRATE MANY ANNIVERSARIES TO COME!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you E-Harmony
To F.L.
If you share your desires with your wife and get no results first I would pray on it. Next remember that woman are not wired the way you are sex is more than just getting finished. IT is also getting her motor running(HER BRAIN) so consider this a foot massage that leads to nothing. I will give you all the tools if this works I will look for it in a future post. All to often men do little things expecting sex so my advice is help her around the house and sometimes leave a single rose and a note somewhere unexpected, also if she drives fill up her gas tank (do not just her the money to do it), make dinner for her no restaurant show her you know what she likes, send her flowers at work for no reason and run her a bubble bath and purchase her favorite products and a new night gown nothing that screams I want sex just a simple number that says you are sexy and no sex that night if you listen before long you will have to beg her to get some sleep!
P.S. Once you start treating her like a Queen she will show you that you are her KING.
Ladies if you agree please post and help this husband to know that this would work for you.
i love you alexis, thats great my relationship with my husband is the same way, hope to be like yall by the time we reach yall age
kids need two loving parents who love each other and have time for each other
more than the extra big house or whatever it is that takes all your time and energy so you
don’t make love at least 2 or 3 times a week. I no longer apologize for the way GOd made me – I desire physical preferably 3 or 4 times a week – sometimes at a late hour when I have been
hit with temptation but rarely. I sure appreciate it when she’s there for me and I sure
feel unappreciated and unloved when I’m suffering and burning but she’s too “tired”. Sometimes wives don’t understand how painful it is because they are built differently.
I would gladly listen to her day story or
give a massage or take the kids while she soaked in the tub. Please don’t leave me burning
in a world full of temptation – that’s not love – espeically when one failure in that area
can end the whole relationship. It needs to be a high priority.
Try to save the negative or conflict management to a weekly set time so it doesn’t
spill over and poison all the good times – epsicially the physical intimacy – I understand
the need for connection but a long dumping of everything before every love making time
really kills it. Of course if we made love every day it would be less to catch up on.
Maybe this is what men mean when they say there is too much talk?
Kids occationallly have some needs that trump everything but they will live without every meal being perfect or if you sit them in front of the TV for an hour so you 2 can be together.
Too often the parent’s love life suffers and the kids end up in a single parent home – put your relationship and each other, not the kids, first (that is putting God first). Kids will only be around 18 years, your spouse could be loving you for 50 or 60 years.
Schedule times for love and more than once a week so one of you isn’t getting turned down and humiliated over and over until he/she starts looking elsewhere – even if only in the mind.
My wife and I have been married for 25 years. Since our first daughter was born 20 years ago, our marriage has been virtually sexless. We made love a few times, resulting in the birth of our second daughter 15 years ago. We have not made love since then. My wife refuses to talk to me about what is wrong. She refuses to go to counseling. When I read the entries above, I know that ours is a different type of problem. I continue to be romantic, leaving her notes and bringing her flowers. I try to listen attentively. I tell her she is beautiful, but she tells me to stop. I do everything around the house, from shopping for groceries to cooking nearly all our meals, to housework and caring for our kids. I support her well. Not that I’m perfect. I have been angry and frustrated with her, but I now try to have no expectations. I have concluded that she is a perfectionist and can’t deal with any sort of conflict as a result of growing up the daughter of an alcoholic father. She is discouraged because neither her children nor her husband can be perfect. I also think she has in mind some perfect scenario in which she will be able to feel sexual again, such as when she has lost the weight she gained with her pregancies and has never lost. But that ideal scenario never happens. So I put one foot in front of another, day by day, and try to be happy for our daughters.
Jim… what do you mean by” a high level of eroticism that she now.. refuses to engage in. ..” both ‘eroticism’ and ‘now’. Do you mean some sort of pornography? I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but… I can tell you if my husband even thought about looking at another woman I’d have ZERO interest in him ever. A woman wants to feel loved and adored, any other woman in any way destroys that immediately. Men relying on this may have shame also which will cause trouble. I recently commented to my hubby, one of the biggest turn ons for me is RESPECT. A woman loves a man she can respect. If she doesn’t respond sexually to a man she respects/admires greatly, there is either something wrong physically or some other mental/physical block (ie previous sexual abuse) and not that she doesn’t want him per se. I may be completely misunderstanding you, but if you have been using something ‘erotic’ you may have an chemical addiction to it. The chemicals your body produces that is. Cold turkey if that’s the case, fight it. Kind of like having marijuana (bad) but now you want cocaine (getting even worse) etc… It messes up your mind and body and requires ‘more’ to turn you on. On the opposite side, a woman knowing that is wrong, will feel repulsed by it, not turned on, or feel shame for being turned on by it, creating deep problems. Pornography can really really really mess up your chances for a great REAL love life. Avoid it like the plague. I suggest you talk to her, very very very kindly with great tenderness and tell her how important your relationship is, and this is an important part of you don’t want to miss out on. Read some trusted authors, gary smalley, the feldmans? shaunti feld..? something etc… Also, it sounds like you are having the lack of sex drive right now, but seem to think it is her issue? Why is that, do you think?
Steve – sorry I missed you post earlier… (slow down and give yourself and her some time to fix these big problems, it’s not an overnight thing!!! more like an over a year thing possibly). Please read and absorb Gary Smalley’s book… If Only He Knew… What No Woman Can Resist. I hope and pray Gary would put it on audio (I will read it for recording for free Gary!!). I/we give it for all weddings. It’s like he opened up my mind and put it all on paper for my husband (who is great by the way (hasn’t always been so great), and getting better after 15 years of marriage!). I would very seriously list it second after the Bible for reading requirements for any man who is married or getting married!! The rest of his stuff I’m sure also. Do keep in mind, your wife is still unique and every single thing in the book may not apply exactly. Do you love (are you totally committed to) her? Are you a real man who can do what it takes and sacrifice his selfishness for his family (wife)? Do you realize that is what God requires of you? Then you will most likely succeed.
Leslie: Thank you for taking the time for your thoughtful response… and though it is both challenging, and disparaging to me, I will respectfully accept it as good intentions on your part. First I tried to make it clear (if not in the first comment of mine, clearly the second) that my wife is the sole object of my sexual desire, and because I want things to stay that way, I ask questions, and help. Leaping to one of your later questions of sexual drive, I redly admit at my age, I no longer have the natural libido I did even 10 years ago. That did lead me to a well respected urologist (not some quick fix sex help clinic) to discover the cause, an potential corrections needed on my part. A summery of her explanation is it is normal for men of my age to have a decrease in sexual activity, and good sex is a combination of physical and mental desire. I have given serious consideration to your description of “chemical addiction” to “something erotic” inclusive of our situation. And with respect, reject your assessment. Then after reading your comments to Steve… I recognize you have an agenda… of structuring your responses to real live problems in religious terms Which by the way, I can respect and even envy that you have found what works for you… but I can not accept that your solution… is for everyone… if I may paraphrase what you told Steve… not just her…. but everyone is unique. Finally, one overriding theme is your inference that that I find offensive, is that I am not committed to my bride of 30 years. Ask yourself, if that was the case, would I be searching for a way to make live better for her… as well as me?
Leslie,
Not all women are turned off by pornography. It can be a part of foreplay if both the husband and wife enjoy it. There are no universal answers for all relationships.
I definitely agree with the link between the health of your overall relationship and the frequency of sex being correlated with sexual satisfaction. When we go too long without making love, my husband is less interested. My husband is taking medication for depression which lowers his sex drive and problems with my children are interfering with our sex life. In addition, he has ED and bad side effects from Levitra, Cialis and Viagra and tons of herbal products we have tried. One thing that has helped has been quickies where he did not have to take ED meds. We are also working on making time for us to have special time together both in and out of the bedroom. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and 2 of them have major problems. It is really hard sometimes to find the time to make love when we are both stressed out, but I am not giving up. This article has reinforced for me the need to do more little romantic things for him. My libido is higher than his, so I am in the same shoes as a lot of men who have posted here. We are both completely faithful to each other, so that is not an issue. We are sweet and cuddle constantly, hold hands everywhere we go. The affection is not an issue. We have great communication. I think if we can reduce the stress in our lives and make time for each other alone, that will make a huge difference. We just started marriage/family counseling to help deal with all of the problems with my kids, so I am hopeful that our sex life will improve.
Good luck to everyone here!
Schedule times for love and more than once a week so one of you isn’t getting turned down and humiliated over and over until he/she starts looking elsewhere – even if only in the mind.
This is so TRUE! (Here comes the but) I get tired myself of being turned down. Yes, by my husband, and only of 3 yrs. He doesn’t seem interested in anything but a cold beer, and or sleep. I don’t even know what to do anymore. He refuses counseling, says its nobody elses business. He’s always telling me I’m suffocating him, I’m tired of hearing it already. I feel like cheating, but have been hurt pretty bad by my ex-husband cheating, and wouldn’t want to hurt someone else like I’ve been hurt. I work long hrs. and he don’t even miss me. He has more excuses than any one person could ever have. He even says he don’t feel like it. I don’t believe he’s cheating, because when he’s not with me I’m checking on him. He’s home in bed watching TV, he don’t leave the bedroom for much other than taking care of the dogs or going to the bar, or work. If I do anything nice, he says I’m like a school girl, and need to grow up. I’m 11 yrs. older than he, and he is only in his 30’s. I’m at my wits end.
To Loree
the works. I spent a good chunk of time and money to give her special night in her fav, hotel with hot tub, candles and all the things she loves, and she loved it, but she will never think about doing the same for me, even though Iv asked many times. When we were married 10 years ago She didnt have the down payment on a free lunch. Now she has all the good things in life, and all paid for. Still she finds falt with most every thing.
We have scheduled times over and over,She curls up on the couch and is fast asleep by the time I get out of the shower. Iv told her many time how much that hurts and she says get over it. I cook clean and work 40-50 hrs a week, lay her favorate candy in her dresser drawers anything she has ever said blessed her. Still no romance. I may be one of those odd guy who like to make an evening out of it, music candles hosdovers
Can a person do to much for another. My heart is growing so cold I dont care if she lives or dyes at times
My husband and I recently re-married and we had a conversation stating that I’m not being affectionate enough. I thought I was making improvements with being more “interested” in his needs, but I guess I need to do more. I am very me focussed and I hate that it seems like everything revolves around my wants and needs. Sex for me is not something I have to have regularly, but I know it is very important to enhancing my huband and my relationship. I have not had an orgasm, but that’s ok for me, but he feels that he’s not satisfying me. I tell him I am satisfied and ask him not to put so much pressure on himself to perform a certain way. I though the articles were very insightful and I plan on taking note and putting into action what I read, thank you.
Matt Says,
My wife and I haven’t had sexfor over a year and before that she was wanting me all the time. what is up with that.
I suppose this might be useful to some people, but not to me. I love my husband very much, but I am NOT turned on by romantic gentle love making. I like to snuggle as much as the next person, but when it comes to sex I want excitement and passion. My husband is the one who wants to be gentle and sweet, and the one who is not as interested in sex. He says he never has been. He says he doesn’t have any fantasies, or any particular attributes that turn him on. I’d like to know what kind of woman he’s most attracted to so I can try to be that for him, at least in bed, but he keeps coming up with nothing.
I’m very aware of what does and does not excite me, and a man that doesn’t take the initiative is not it. I’ve tried everything I can think of. Talking to him, showing him, etc. He’s always willing if I start something, but he never just ‘jumps’ me. I want to be wanted beyond reason. Beyond good sense. Every other relationship I’ve had prior to this has been the case. It’s hard for me to be that interested if I have to put in ALL the work and get the least results.
I love my husband very much, we have so much in common, so much fun together. We get along so well in all other aspects of life, but when it comes to sex he fumbles through quick lovemaking that leaves me with the impression that taking care of my own needs would just be easier and more satisfying.
I’m glad this article has debunked the myth that “men [just] want sex and women [just] want love.” The truth is, both genders need and want both.
However, I’m also sick of seeing the plethora of articles that address the problem of “How to rekindle the romance in your marriage.” Every expert writing on this assumes that every relationship was “kindled” in the first place. Nobody is addressing the very real possibility that a couple NEVER HAD any spark of passion in the beginning. “Chemistry” is that metaphorical term used in the literature for what C.S. Lewis and others have called “Eros”—one of the ‘four loves’ that the Church doesn’t know what to do with (other than suggest that, unlike Agape, it is “selfish”). Yet clerics praise the Song of Solomon, giving lip service to the legitimacy of human sexuality (at least within marriage). I’ve heard evangelical pastors (my own) MOCK from the pulpit the (allegedly liberal) notion that “we are sexual beings,” as if sex were not important or that we could actually be asexual beings. This attitude reflects the influence of Manichaean and Platonic (and perhaps Cartesian) DUALISM in our theology, whereby the BODY is denigrated along with MATTER.
And, of course, no pastor or counsellor dares to go on record recommending that a couple with no sexual “chemistry” might actually have made a genuine MISTAKE in their choice of a partner and ought to get divorced—even though those same pastors and counsellors, knowing such a couple when dating, would have advised them not to get married at all. The implication of this silence is clear: The abstract institution of “the marriage” is more important than the happiness of the people who comprise it. But I suspect God is more of a pragmatist than we give Him credit for. Jesus asked, “Is man made for the law, or the law made for man? Which of you wouldn’t pull his ox out of the mud on the Sabbath?” Marriage is for THIS life—not the NEXT, so it had better WORK for this life. Why, then, shouldn’t bad marital choices be revocable just as every other mistake in life? Why not do BOTH partners a favor and move on to a more suitable spouse (especially when there are no children involved as potential victims)?
The lack of sexual fulfillment is not just a hormonal or “libidinal” problem (much less one that only men have): it is an “existential” crisis that goes to the very core of our being.
Just want to append the initial of my last name to the previous note to distinguish my comment from that of other “Paul”s that have posted comments. What I refer to as an “existential crisis” is the disparaging realization that you have NOT properly chosen a “soul mate.” By ’soul mate’ I do not mean some esoteric concept involve “fate” or the like, but simply one with whom you share a HIGH DEGREE of common interests, values, compatibilities of responses, and yes even sexual chemistry.
— Paul H.
Raya – I feel your pain!!!! I don’t have exactly the same problem, but similar enough that your post hit a nerve with me. When I first met my husband, we had sex constantly – at least 3 times a day. There were alot of quickies, but like you, I was never the romantic type and I loved the attention and knowing he desired me all the time. As time wore on however, he never progressed to the more erotic and sensual type of lover that I was hoping he would become and I have lost some of my interest. He never has any fantasies, he doesn’t stray away from doing what we’ve always done before and in short, is boring me to tears. I have tried telling him what I’d like – tried giving suggestions, but it just doesn’t work. I remember one time recently (in the last few months) where he actually blew my socks off in bed – I praised him for DAYS hoping that if I gave enough positive reinforcement he’d want to do it again. To my chagrin, he’s never been that way in bed again. Guys, help me out here – what is it going to take to make my man WANT to be the best lover he can????
The whole lot of you need to quit your whining… if your sex life is not working out.. and your partner doesnt want to change.. find a new partner.
Michelle what do you mean by erotic and sensual? Clue us men into that one. Maybe womwn feel differant about what that means. Sometimes I feel like being made love too and sometimes i feel like a hungry lover that would do anything. I think the book Intimate Issues has it right when they say to have quickies , slow cooked , and gourmet sex. They all have a real place in a couples life to keep variety but usually one is much more into variety that the other right?
This is the same boring article that I’ve read over and over again. Same tired information being recirculated.
A nice one!.
As for me, just got married and find the tips helpful and even before we match
through the isle some months back, i’ve got some helpful clues on htis site
that stregthen my relationship that leads to marriage!