Women’s Top Marriage Complaints – Demystified!
Since launching this online forum for married couples, we’ve been bombarded with emails from men and women. Some have shared what they love and appreciate about their marriages, but more often than not, they’ve shared their frustrations.
We want you to know that we hear you loud and clear. And we want to provide real help that works! That’s why we’ve asked our readers—specifically our male readers—to share some words of wisdom on the top three female complaints we’ve been hearing. The following are insightful nuggets of advice to consider straight from the people who know the issues best—real men like your husband and real women like you.
Complaint #1: “He is never romantic.”
Larry says:
You may need to explain to him just what you’d like him to do and why it’s important to you, and to him. Just as specifying the birthday present you’d like may be less satisfying than receiving it as a surprise, spelling things out may deflate some of the pleasure, but people can’t read minds, and individuals (not just men versus women) all have different preferences. You wouldn’t expect to start a job and automatically know what to do; you need to go to school or at least have on-the-job training. Hopefully, you’ll only need to explain a few times and he’ll remember from then on, but his memory might need some maintenance reminders from time to time. Not too much maintenance, though. That would be nagging. Yes, it’s a fine line between nagging and talking. Try to aim for gentle but clear.
Rick says:
It’s VERY difficult to be romantic and share feelings when this is continually met with a brick wall. When the marriage is sacrificed for the sake of raising three great kids, I feel that’s wrong. After months and months of not tuning in to me as a spouse, my gas tank has run dry and now there’s nothing left with which to be romantic and share feelings. For women, life is not compartmentalized—kids, home, husband, etc., are all one. For the man, we see things more compartmentalized and need some true quality time devoted to us as a couple. Clearly, we all have to sacrifice and give for the healthy home to prosper, but it takes both partners to put that into action.
Steve says:
If you want romance, be romantic. Have you welcomed your husband home to a bedroom full of candles, a hot bath, and a sexy new nightie? Do you wear an old rock band T-shirt and granny panties to bed, or something more? And the last time your husband wanted to take you to a movie or out to dinner, did you come up with some excuse? “Not tonight, I have to work on my scrapbook.”
Tom says:
Gosh, men can be very romantic. Maybe you just have the wrong man. Some women don’t want romance, go figure. A few winks in his direction and some occasional hints that romance is important will get the message through even the thickest of skulls. Romance really is a two-way street.
Bill says:
You hear regularly that if men only acted like they did when couples were dating, their women would be more responsive to them. It seems to me pretty obvious that this works both ways. How many women out there can honestly say that they behave the same way that they did when they were dating? How many wives out there still “doll themselves up” knowing that their husbands are coming home? When was the last time YOU surprised HIM by doing something like wearing some lingerie? How about treating him like he was the sexiest man alive?
I believe that all too often, when people get married, the wife feels that “now he should love me for who I am” and that she shouldn’t have to do these things to get his attention, yet expects him to behave like they are still dating. While I do not disagree that men behave differently, so do women. It’s a two-way street, ladies.
Complaint #2: “He won’t help around the house.”
Tom says:
What women seem to want around the house is another woman, not a lover. Perhaps we are meant to live in larger social groups where there are sisters and other women around to help organize work and get men to do their share. If your man does not help, then learn one lesson: Men and women think and communicate differently. There are plenty of books about this. Modern men find the house to be a foreign place. If you want your man to clean the bathroom, tell him to do it and he gladly will. Men simply do not have the intuition to “know” what needs to be done. You didn’t marry an idiot, and you also did not marry a woman. Fact is, a man will do just about anything if he believes it’s being done for you, something that you want—but he has to be told, over and over.
Steve says:
How often do you mow the grass? Change the oil in the cars? Fertilize the lawn? Wash the car? Is he really the only one that does not help? Or do you each do things that are important?
Larry says:
Ditto the above advice. If that doesn’t work, you might try a list or schedule of chores for both of you. Compose the list together so that you both agree it’s fair. Also, agree in advance on how to enforce it. Perhaps you can treat it like a duty list at work. For example, if you can’t finish one item, you need to make up for it by doing an extra item of his. My wife and I fortunately have not had this problem, thus we’ve never tried this, but it seems reasonable. You could think of it like a budget, but for your time instead of your money.
Complaint #3: “He doesn’t share his feelings.”
P says:
I have read what most of these men have said. I am at the beginning of a divorce that I don’t want. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I did not see it coming. Men work for their families, provide for them, thinking that this is their sole job. Ladies, understand something, we must be told in clear direct language what you want and need. Please don’t expect us to read between the lines, because most of the time, we don’t get it. Men want to be your best friend but it is unlikely. Our feelings have an extra attachment called pride. Pride has ruined many a man. Once pride takes the lead there is no winner. Men, love your wives without limitations. Don’t hold back your feelings in fear of rejection. Ladies, support your husbands’ judgment, and work out the differences behind closed doors. You are one in spirit with each other. If you believe that, you love him or her as yourself. You will cherish your spouse like nothing else in your life. Your life is hers and hers is yours. Protect your man’s pride and respect your woman’s feelings. Don’t wake up alone one morning and have to wonder why.
Ken says:
When I was young, naive, and single, my anticipation in regards to the type of relationship I would share with my wife included a closeness in sharing of ideas and feelings. The mere idea that I could express anything to my wife and not be judged negatively for it was among those things I looked forward to. Unfortunately, it never came to fruition. Like talking to a best friend, whether it is meant to blow off steam; to share a complaint; to reveal excitement over something hoped for, something dreamed, concepts finally understood, or a new discovery; to confide a secret; or to try to uplift a downtrodden spirit, I desired it all. I learned early on that opening up was not received with any kind of thankfulness or neutrality. Rather, it was met with startling resentment and negativity. This I have labeled my biggest disappointment in married life, that I do not have a best friend in my wife, just a team member that doesn’t understand me. I find I must pick and choose exactly what topics to share, thereby avoiding the conflict that resides so close at hand. Many ideas I just swallow, and I lose the savor of why I would have wanted to share them in the first place. There have been times throughout my marriage when I have tested the waters of communication again to see if the effect is any more desirable. I have yet to experience success in this regard, to my dismay.
Jeff says:
Ditto Ken.
Women say they want to know your feelings. But unless it involves them, it always ends in her saying, “Whatever,” or, ”Well, you do that to me.” In eight years of marriage, my wife has never said she was sorry about anything. It’s always my fault. I can be out working and the dryer stops working, it’s my fault. I find myself saying I’m sorry just to break the silence. If women would just remember that it’s their job to love us and it’s God’s job to change us, we all would be happier.
Steve says:
First, I always say, Don’t ask the question unless you want to hear the answer. Do you really want to know what we are feeling, or do you just want us to agree with what you are feeling, or do you really just want us to build you up? Are you ready to hear that we feel that you don’t appreciate us or the work we do to provide for you? That we get upset when we have to do something special to be worthy of your love in the bedroom? That you make us feel like we are perverted because we want to make love with you every day?
Dave says:
Steve pretty much said it all, ladies. Why is it always about you? How many times have you rejected your husband? Sex is everything to men, ladies. Without it, we lose our ability to feel close to you. Without closeness comes silence. Men have just as much of a need to feel wanted as women do, but the more rejection he receives, the more distance he will put between you. So believe me, ladies, without sex, you do not want your man to share his thoughts with you.
Tom says:
I believe that men are evolved to be quiet, considerate, careful not to get into trouble with loose lips. This extends to all relationships, including the most important one—yours. Your man is not defective if he doesn’t share his feelings. In fact, he is very manly. If you wanted to marry someone who naturally shares feelings on a regular basis, you should not have married a man. I know this sounds silly. It feels silly saying it. Men will talk about feelings, but it feels rather unnatural, so it takes some coaxing. Create a situation where there is no fear of being misunderstood, and be very inviting. Your man will share.
Erwin says:
Ditto Ken and Steve. Why share your thoughts or feelings when your historical past will be brought up to justify the behavior or attitude you wish to change? We men just want a little appreciation for trying to make our wives happy. If we don’t get with their program, we’re insensitive brutes. If we give in and it causes continued problems, then we are accused of not setting the example or being a leader or handling problems. I’ve learned where my wife’s minefields are and I mark the ones I have discovered. I’ve got a few more to discover before the kids get out of the house.
Larry says:
I love to talk, but strangely I do feel reluctance sometimes to discuss everything with my wife. I’m not even sure why, but maybe I’m scared of a negative comment, and since my wife is such an important person in my life, her reaction could greatly affect my feelings and our relations. I might also be scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting her, which may be a result of her getting angry in the past at things I wouldn’t have predicted. It’s like touching some object which, 10 percent of the time, was hot and burned you; after getting burned once or twice, you’ll never touch it again, even though 90 percent of the time it’s safe. Something that surprised me about marriage was that, although couples supposedly love each other more than anyone else, most of them treat each other worse than anyone else. People wouldn’t yell at a coworker or an acquaintance for buying the wrong brand of donuts, but they’ll yell at their spouse for something minor like that. That puzzles and disappoints me. I think that people treat their spouses poorly partly because they can get away with it, whereas if we treat other people poorly, we’ll be punished in some way (we’d be ostracized or fired at work, or dropped by friends, or beaten up by strangers). The other reason is frustration and the fact that a spouse’s behavior affects us so greatly. Getting back to the problem of getting him to share his feelings, first make sure to remove any potential threats to his feelings. Set an example by talking calmly and openly yourself. If you have been angry or nagging, you may need to stop nagging and getting angry for several weeks or months so that he can feel safe to open up, like a turtle coming out of his shell when the threat has passed. After he’s seen that the minefield has been cleared, ask him to express his feelings. Be gentle and specific. If he does, then thank him for doing so or give some positive comment. Positive reinforcement will encourage him to talk more. Negative reinforcement will teach him to talk less.
Charlie says:
I have been married 32 years and my guess is that some women need to be patient enough to allow a man to share his feelings. Most men need more time to think and respond.
Often my wife asks me a question, and while I am considering a reply to the question she asks another question. My thoughts go to the second question, and then she asks a third question and my thoughts are changed again to the third question. Then, as I am thinking about the third question, she expresses her total frustration with me. I feel like she has changed what I am supposed to be thinking about three times and now she is aggravated with me. Most women just think and talk so much faster than men. You might try slowing down and maintaining an atmosphere that supports sharing.
The next thing I would suggest is to not be judgmental about feelings that don’t necessarily match up with yours. Men and women are different and see things differently. Sometimes I think women don’t really want to know our feelings, they just want their own feelings validated, and woe to the man that dares to open up and express his own feelings.
It is sad, but sometimes men learn that sharing feelings can just cause them more trouble than it is worth.
Final Words of Wisdom
Chris says:
Love is not enough; maturity is also required, because a mature perception and attitude are what mold people to be what they become. If people let bitterness, for example, come into their lives, they are condemning themselves, not their spouses. It is like drinking poison and expecting your spouse to die. The one with bitterness is the one that is adversely affected, and then that one ends up with a misconception that the whole world is against them. Communication is also vital, if done correctly. Communication is not about being understood, it is about understanding. By nature, men and women see any issue from different angles, and the most important thing is to understand the other party’s position, as it will give you the advantage of being the one who understands both sides. A man is generally repelled by a conversation that is full of argument but without profit at the end of the day, while a woman seems to want her point heard anyway, at all costs. Communication is made effective if the man decides to be patient and listen to every word his wife has to say in spite of himself, and the wife also needs to give the man room to express himself without interjecting every time her husband opens up his mouth to speak. All having been said and done, men must love their wives whether they are happy or not and women need to honor their husbands by submitting to them in spite of everything else they have been taught. Ephesians 5:22–31 summarizes all I have said above.
Martin says:
To me, closeness is the No. 1 thing that holds any marriage together! If my partner does NOT agree on this, I do not care to have her in my life.
John says:
Marital love is most definitely a two-way street. If the husband, when he comes home after work, is greeted at the door with a torrent of complaints and demands, this certainly does not stimulate a loving relationship. We should rather inquire how the other’s day has been, showing love and concern for each other. Willingness to sacrifice of ourselves and putting our marriage partner ahead of little old me is a must. Home should be an oasis, a place of peace, joy, and harmony. When we seek to do the will of the Lord and the best for each other as husband and wife, we will be blessed by God with a happy marriage relationship.
Added Bonus: Straight Talk from Women
Lisa says:
P, Amen to your post.
I, too, am in a separation that I didn’t want or ask for. I am hoping that we can fix it. My husband told me he feels like he has put me and our kids first for so long that it is his turn to put himself first. He said he doesn’t know who “we” are as a couple anymore because we have gotten into a rut; we don’t or didn’t make time just for us, without our kids, and it has gotten to this point. He said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. He did agree to counseling, and we go this week for the first time.
We have been married almost 17 years and have three beautiful children. He comes by every day to see the kids, and we do things as a family, but not as a couple right now. There is no affection between the two of us, but not by my choice. I long to touch him and hold him. I feel we took each other for granted, and it has become a problem. I wish I could go back and read these posts before this all happened; maybe I could have prevented this situation. Love your spouses, show them you love them all the time, even if just with a note or a text message. Make time for each other, and remember, men and women are different and we think differently. Make sure you don’t get so caught up in the “he won’t help me” or “he won’t open up to me,” and just realize your differences and love each other anyway.
Shauna says:
Nice honest answers, Steve! I’m impressed with your suggestions and thought-provoking questions. I, also, am tired of hearing my (women) friends complain about their hubbies not being interested enough in them, yet they only call them at work when they are in “crisis” or need something; they don’t greet them at the door with a loving hug and kiss, but immediately ask them to help with the children; they are afraid of them seeking sex elsewhere, yet have gotten fat and given up on making themselves look nice since having children. Too many of us still think marriage is 50–50, when in reality it’s more toward 100–100 (or at least 90–90) for it to work well and to be pleasing to each other; in general you get what you give. Jesus said to love your neighbor (that means spouse also) as you love yourself. Maybe the Golden Rule should be in our marriage vows.
Anne-Marie says:
I have read all the comments made, and for me it’s a give-and-take. My husband doesn’t always help in the house, but he does things outside, like mow the lawn and fix things when they break, but if I asked him to help me with something, he would. It took me a while to see this, but as a working person, I used to come home and have to make supper and clean the house, but then I would see my husband just come home and only have to do the lawn on the weekend and I felt like I was being cheated. We both worked, but why did I have to do all the chores in the house? I mentioned that one day to my husband and he said, “Well, all you have to do is ask me to help and tell me what you want help with.” We expect too much. We expect them to read our minds, and they can’t unless they have superpowers or are God. Men and women think differently and we have to be able to communicate without accusing and hurting each other mentally. Also, I found that for us it was better to talk when we were both rested and relaxed. Most of the time it was on our days off.
(7 votes, average: 3.29 out of 5)
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64 Responses to “Women’s Top Marriage Complaints – Demystified!”
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I have asked my husband for things from a cheap necklace for my birthday to sex. His replies vary from “that’s a dumb thing to waste money on” to “is sex all you think about?” Sex twice a week would be wonderful and a gift for an occasion other than Christmas would be nice. I also help him before he asks. What’s a woman to do?
I used to cherish my husband. I would brag about him to my friends, so much so that one of them got so close to him, she had an affair with him. Explain that one. My husband had it good. I did everything. All he had to do is go to work and come home. He came and went as he pleased. Yet, he felt the need to find “romance” outside the marriage. Come on guys, explain that? True, I was too tired to take care of his needs in the bedroom, because he never helped with anything. He said “that’s what I like about our marriage, you do your thing and I do mine”. I thought we were in love. What more could I have done? But he blamed me for him committing adultery. It was my fault he had to find sex outside the marriage.
So, I don’t want to hear this from the men how the women need to tell them what to do and they’ll do it, or they need to be more romantic and then they will. The men need to step up to the plate and be the leaders in ALL AREAS of the marriage. The first one they need to begin with is being the Spiritual Leader.
And by the way, I am still married to my husband, I still dearly love him. We have gone to counseling and are working everday to show each other how much we love the other.
What about the husband who does not do things to help either outside or inside the house? Who does plenty of things for himself and others (20+ hours a week on volunteer activities that take him away from home) and very little for his wife or children outside of being a good provider? Is the marriage doomed? I have tried being very clear and asking for help. I have asked him to just choose one chore to be responsible for at home, but I have to spend more time reminding him to do it than it would for me to do it and then I am resentful. (I would love to have a man take care of oil changes and car washes. Those are my job, too.) I have tried requesting a “date night” so we can spend some time alone together. I am very busy myself, but am more than willing to put something else aside to spend time with him if he wishes. I have begged him to spend some time with his kids, but none of this seems to be a priority. I’m carrying a few more pounds than I did before I had twins, but so is he. I wouldn’t say that I have let myself go, but I do know that I do not have lots of interest in being romantic or affectionate with a man who behaves as though my needs are irrelevant. As Sue said, what is a woman to do?
I must say, I’m extremely lucky. My husband and I are truly a team. We pick up where the other leaves off. However, sometimes it does mean communicating a need to the other, for example, “Honey, I need help with the laundry.” is said often in our home. My husband willingly gets up and helps out almost immediately. At the same time, he will come to me and ask me to help with something he needs that I may not have instantly caught on to. I’ve learned that when you start looking at things to be “fair” (ie. 50/50), then you’ve lost track of the real purpose. We are here to serve each other and care for each other. On a regular basis I come ho me to find the dishes done and the kitchen spotless after haven’t touched it in days. There’s not much more romantic than that, to be honest with you, because I know he was thinking of taking care of me and our home ad I know he is showing his love for me through that.
Some great post. And Cara you r a strong women. My recent exwife have been talking more frequently and by the grace of God i do believe reconcilation is in the future. We both know its going to require alot of work. I think the key to all relationships is having GOD at the center of it. And yes guys you are the born spirtual leader. So do what your born to do. Yes its always easy to blame the other when problems start happening.
Something I wrote last year
What I Learned, I Learned It From You
In a lifetime you meet lots of people. From each of these associations you will pick up valuable information and knowledge to use to your benefit. It’s what you do with this information that can make life such a blessing. Some people will go through life just chugging along making it from day to day no knowing what lies next for them. Always feeling like “I know I’m meant to do something great but for the life of me I can’t figure out what”. Unfortunately the “great” in this context has greatly affected his judgment. Great doesn’t always mean you have to wow the world with money or great accomplishments but just to wow those who matter the most to you. In this lifetime of meeting different and unique individuals there is always that one that leaves a lasting impression. For some it could be a parent, others a close friend, for some it could be a complete stranger. Some are fortunate enough to marry someone that totally puts their direction in life on track. For me I fall into the latter category.
Some people in life are also lucky enough to find true love. For those extremely lucky one’s they find it a second time. I raise the question though, what is true love? You ask 100 people this same question and you’ll get a hundred different answers. I however will discuss a few and I will bet of the 100 interviewed 99% would say the following are core values when it comes to finding “TRUE LOVE”.
Friendship is one of these core values. It’s funny thought how for some they develop a friendship with someone and are open and honest with them but as relationship gets closer they stop what started the relationship to begin with, friendship. If any one thing is required in a relationship, that would be honesty. This particular trait also creates other areas of a relationship to grow. With honest communication it creates openness. Being open with a partner is another key to a relationship. By being open and honest with them you develop trust as well. Trusts in you tell them anything without judging them and just listening if necessary. Trust however may be easy to establish but if trust is broken can be very hard to get back. For me because I learned this from you are some key traits in a relationship. For these traits to be developed you have to communicate. I REPEAT COMMUNICATE. None of this matters if you don’t talk to them. Holding things in only closes the openness and makes the other believe you have something to hide. By not doing so destroys the trust, shuts down the openness and now you’re in a relationship that is just getting by. It can create resentment, cause people to assume things and when these things happen bad things occur. I have also learned that with a strong healthy relationship people also need friendship outside of the relationship without them people become dependant on each other. Regardless if they are male or female friendships as long as you keep you communication open with that significant other there is nothing that can break that up.
Alright if you’re a guy reading this, this is a big one. Women are emotional. Their minds are always in high gear. Guys we tend to be a little tunnel vision well more like we can only have a couple of things going on at a time. Women sometimes just want you to listen to them. They want your undivided attention. Turn the TV off. IF necessary find someone to baby-sit even for a short period but give her what she needs. And guys its ok to show emotion, it not showing you are weak because you can cry or feel but proves to your partner you have feelings and you care. This may also include taking on more responsibilities. Try paying the bill or sharing the financial burden. No not making the money but help by making decision in these areas instead of allowing her to do it by herself. Be a leader in the household that you were groomed to be. It’s in all of us guys we just have to step up to the plate and take responsibility. Allowing her to be a just a mom or herself and the best part about it is she will be a great wife giving her the opportunity to do what I feel a lot of women love to do, take care of their man. Remember a relationship is 50/50 not I make lot of money and you do everything else. This is bad mistake. Make time for her if its taking over house chores do it and let her have some alone time. Get her a massage; let her take the day off, what ever it takes. Let her recharge her batteries. She is no different than you. She works hard, maybe harder. And for her to come home and start her second job without support from you makes her feel like she is the only one that cares about anything.
Intimacy not to be confused for anything sexual is more about shared moments. Shared moments may be taking her to the movies, sending her a card when she least expect it. Leaving a note just to say “I LOVE YOU, and can’t wait to see you, I miss you already”. Remembering those special days and not waiting to the last minute to do something about it. Be unique too, get her something she least’s expects but really wants. Remember through communication you should know some of these answers. Buying her flowers and sending them to her place of employment. Scheduling a weekend away and finding someone to watch the kids. You know surprise her. Find something you both like to do and do it. It might but just having a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s, maybe something as easy as a bowl of popcorn and a rented movie but do something. Like most families where both parents work help her do things around the house so she can actually relax when she gets home. Run her some bath water and vacate the premises including the kids.
Love is the last thing I’ll discuss. Unfortunately a lot of men associate sex with love and that’s really bad. Like everything else even with sex, it requires communication, variety and things that make her feel beautiful, wanted and needed. By doing some of these required things like communicating, being there for her the sexual end of it can be rewarding. I know guys complain about “Not getting enough” but I could bet in every case a guy says this it’s because he is not meeting her needs. I am not talking sexual needs either. The honest, open communication, the emotional support and just being their when she needs you. That is a woman’s aphrodisiac. I assure you regardless of a woman’s sex drive or lack their of, if you are meeting these needs you will have more than you can handle. It’s kind of cruel though, in the order I listed by importance to women you turn them around and that is the importance for men. Another one of GODS cruel jokes. So guys love is not about sex or intimacy. It encompasses communication, honesty, friendship, emotional support, trust, and understanding. Freeing her mind up of the mundane things can really allow her to be your best friend or mistress or just be their for you.
The side effect of not meeting these needs can be devastating. If the needs go unmet it can create resentment, anger, jealousy, trust is broken, and communication breaks down. For me I learned this from you because my true love entered my life and realized to late what I had. Sometimes you only have one chance and I blew mine big time. With this I also learned what heartbreak is not because of the things you did but because I didn’t do the things I was suppose to do.
Guys stop trying to understand women if you do you will go insane. Women are teachers they can show you things that can make you a better person, better friend and by doing so the rewards can be amazing. How do I know this, what I learned I learned from you.
I like to give flowers and gifts out of the blue rather than when they are expected. And I do it very often. Birthdays and Christmas is so predictable and women more than men seem to want it ‘perfect’ and thats simply not realistic nor achievable unless you give very specific clues/wants to your mate. But its hardly coming from their heart and just giving to what you wanted anyway. Romance is two way street as is being appreciative. I’ve given countless cards and little notes and loads of flowers just for saying I love but have yet to receive one of my own. Whats a man supposed to think on that? She says I’m the man of her dreams but I don’t feel it when its all so one sided.
I am seperated from my husband who I adore .At this time he is like a lost little boy. Wants to get counseling an find out why he left home for the second time. We have 4 kids. 2 still at home. I have always been the care taker.Stay at home Mom .Tend to everyone an forgot about myself. Yet he left the family. I have just started picking up the peices of my life after being in a 3 month depression. I have always adored my husband.Been grateful an let him know that for the things he has done. Now I am being selfish an moving foward. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him.How we where a great couple. Yet I miss a clue somewhere when he packed up an left. I don’t know what the future has in store for us. He wants to reunite our family in the future. I on the other hand don’t know if I can.The fear of him leaving again.Sorry to me Marriage is always changing. For better For worse.Not oops I’m stress time to move out. Okay I will stop rattling on.
This is such a convenient article for men. They are suggesting that they need to pampered and taken care of so they can respond better. So Women need to take the first step and hope men will react. I agree that there are scientific facts which explains the men and women do not think alike. That Men need to be told, they cannot read mind. But the same facts also say that women are emotionally dependent. What about their needs? How about men taking a first step once in a while in a “two -way street”. Why is the men get to react and women need to act? Most married men think that women is a caught fish. They do not have to worry about it. I am pretty sure I speak for most of the women. One gesture of love or caring is all needed for a women at the right time. She would take care of lot of things. Men does not want to deal with women when they are upset. There is nothing nice about it. Anyone can deal with anyone when the other person is calm. True love is in being for the wife when she needs someone to listen, not to turn their back and wait for the storm to slide. Medicine has the right effect when given at the right time.
Romance men think its a waste of time. Got a news flash after 7 years I still get “dolled” up and my husband never notices. As for helping around the house I not only do everything inside but outside too have to practically beat him over the head to get alittle help. As for communication I am there for him all the time and he gets emotional about alot of stuff,but when I need him he is no where I get nothing. I believe in 50-50 but I have met alot of men that believe their wives should take care of everything and that once married romance dosn’t happen anymore. I am the one that lights candles,makes his favorite meals,wine,music etc. I have dressed up in lingerie snuggled up to him in bed and gotten pushed away. Or he as asked me to get dressed up and then I waited up all night in bed while he played video games completely forgetting about me. Then he thinks I have no right to be mad or feel embarrassed about looking like a fool. Personally I dont think men really give a dam.
i show my bf i love him each and every day – but always he finds fault.
if i cook breakfast, it’s not something he wants to eat or it’s too soon or it’s too late.
if i don’t cook breakfast, i’m lazy, i don’t care about him, blah blah blah.
damned if i do, damned if i don’t.
if i talk about how i feel, i’m being “all dramatical” again.
if i don’t talk, i’m being a sourpuss (to use the polite term).
if i clean up, he can’t find anything.
if i don’t clean up, again with the laziness.
he NEVER talks to me about anything that’s important to him and we haven’t made love in almost a year – i’m not counting the three sex episodes that left me lying there (once, still in my clothing) wondering “what just happened?”. he doesn’t kiss me (he used to leave hickies everywhere), he doesn’t hug me (he suddenly decides he doesn’t like touching ppl), he never looks me in the eye unless it’s down his nose.
the only reason we’re together is our baby and honestly, i’m ready to walk out and leave him with her and see how he likes being sole caregiver (in six months, he changed ONE diaper and that was under extreme duress). this situation is not fair to our baby – she needs a home with two happy parents, not two parents where mom is hopelessly infatuated with dad and dad is hopelessly infatuated with himself.
Alot of great answers….gentlemen. Personally, i don’t think you present with a solution for my complaints. I personally did too much and spoiled my hubby. My husband didn’t mind becuase all of his needs and the household needs were being met. kids were taken care of, etc… i did it because i wanted to do all i could for him and our family. However, he just took advantage and just thought that all he had to do was go to work ( i work full-time also) and then do what i asked of him, if he remembered. i ask you this- why do we need to be your coordinators all the time? Yes, i agree, my husband would mostly do what i asked him to do….the problem is he never owned any of these responsibilities…so i ALWAYS HAD TO ASK. he was just a ‘employee” so to speak. How wonderful to just do what you’re asked and never have to OWN any responsibility. if someone didn’t ask you to pay the phone bill, its not your fault if its late. Do you get my gripe? I was bombarded with responsibility- ALL of it.
At least that was my gripe. I was the coordinator. What that meant for me is that i was responsible for EVERYTHING ultimately, and if i didn’t ask, or point out, he would never take the initiative to do anything with the kids, or the house, or me. i wanted a partner. I got an employee.
I was superwife. i was dolled up all the time, never denied sex, cooked meals everyday, kept a clean house, entertained, etc.. etc. etc. and he just got lazier. i tried harder…tried to give him everything he wanted, figuring he would return the love and consideration back to me and help out with the obvious. Of course, I got to be a nag…becuase after a while folks, i got sick of coming home to nothing being done…and tired of always asking for him to take care of his share.
What do you say to this? i did stop doing much less and i jhave to say things are better, but i’m still resentful that he would take advantage of my love for him.
I mow the grass, change the oil, and wash/wax/polish/detail both our cars. but I still can’t get him to take out the trash. I also get a guilt trip when ever he gets the urge to load the dishwasher. I should have had that done already, donchaknow.
I got married when I was 20 to my best friend and the hottest man ever (he was 25 when we married). We’ve been married seven years and have had no marriage threatening issues until recently. Basically, I went thru a severe depression due to his work transfer after having to leave all that was familiar, friends and family and any sense of comfort whatsoever I wasn’t perfect Christian Bri anymore. Also, I was told by my parents at the time of the move that my mom was divorcing my dad after 30 years, which to us was out of the blue and against all that I was taught as a child. We were then told by my mother that she was leaving my dad for a woman and that she was this way from birth!! Basically my entire foundation was taken from me and was left, numb and broken in a condo in the city (came from the “burbs) with two children under the age of 4 and not a single friend except my husband. Addiction runs in my family along with pretty much every other mental “imbalance” and I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. My husband was amazing and there for me thru “EVERYTHING” even when I told him I didn’t want to pull him down and see me for what I really was at that time. Long story short, he refused, said it was just an imbalance in my brain and he thought no less of me and was more than willing to be the strength I was completely lacking.
It was a year in a half of pure hell for me with him by my side with nothing but unconditional love. Well, here we are, now living in the South, I’m happy, going to counseling and finding myself once again but have lost that husband. The husband with unconditional love, zero judgement, and all the strength in the world. I get zero affection, zero energy or effort of any sort by him. I’ve been honest, told him I absolutely needed more and even went as far as telling him exactly what to do….like telling him to come home with something to do or say to make me feel loved and cherished.
He says he’s afraid he’ll be unable to give me what I need because he feels drained from all that he gave, but swears his feelings haven’t changed. I’m broken and feel that his love is in fact conditional. I am extremely open and honest with everyone but shared everything with him thinking the honesty wouldn’t be held against me but now feel like an idiot. Any thoughts???? I can’t handle this disconnected feeling we have never had and it’s all due to something I had no control over:(
I agree with Cara that men need to be the spiritual leaders in their family. If a man is a spiritual leader then adultry will never even truly factor into the sexual equation as Cara describes. But women have a spiritual responsibility too! Wives need to be actively involved in raising their families and children in a spiritual setting each and every day especially she was raised in a different religious background from her husband.
Sincerely
Paul
I have to agree with Cara. I do all of the yard work outside and all of the cleaning and cooking inside. I also have a full time job taking care of a special needs adult. He is more worried about how he is affected by me being to tired for him, then maybe suprising me with breakfast in bed one morning, or maybe mowing the lawn one weekend!!!
We are currently in counseling because he decided someone else was more fun. He had freedom with her, and was trapped by me. This coming from a man who goes and does what he wants, buys what he wants, takes several vacations a year with no thought to what I might like to do and just expects that I will always be there. I love my husband, BUT I think men need to stop and think sometimes that they don’t have the corner market on needing some attention. IT IS A TWO WAY STREET AND IF WE NEED TO THINK OF THEM, THEY NEED TO DO THE SAME.
I am sorry, Cara, that things have been difficult for you. Remember that some things written are general principles and might have to be tailored somewhat for each person’s specific circumstances. While you are right, a man needs to be the leader in the home, that doesn’t eliminate his need for intimacy (on various levels) or enhance his ability to read one’s mind. I have ESPN, but not ESP.
As for the rest of the topics…
1. I don’t think that sex has to be served everyday, but it should always be on the menu. If a husband tries in his feeble way to be romantic as best as he knows how, and it NEVER culminates sexual expression, why would women get married? They could have just dated, been friends, or whatever. The sex part is what differentiates a marital relationship from those women with whom I am merely friendly. I could write so much more on that alone, but perhaps another time. I will say that for a man, romance seems like a river. If his advances are dammed up, he will back up, dry up, or seek an alternate route.
2. I am willing to help out, but I don’t always (sometimes, but not always) know how best to help. Don’t wait until you are at the end of your rope before screaming for aid. You are probably doing such an awesome job that he thinks you have everything under control. Pleasant requests are the best way to enlist my help.
3. Share feelings? Not likely, because often a woman will already have the answer she wants in her head. I can either try to guess it and match it (kind of like a game show, but without any prizes) or be honest…again without prizes, except for a discussion about why my feelings are wrong. I would like to then minimize any future sharing.
Romantic: My husband has never been romantic from day one, before we even got married! Do you continue to teach a man to be romantic after 11 yrs of marriage, because nothing seems to work?
Communication: How do you continue to communicate with your husband when he turns around and attacks you with the very things you share with him? Do you feel betray? Do you continue to share? I’ve always maintained that it’s how one says that matters but my husband doesn’t understand that!
Help around the house: Sure men need to be told, they can’t read our minds and we need to verbalize it if we need help. Tell me, what do you do when I’ve been asking my husband for 11 yrs to help around the house and I still don’t get help (showed him what to do as well)??
Love is not just the 4-letter word. It’s respect, sharing, committed to each other, unselfishness, consideration, financial commitment, trusting, sincerity, integrity, loving, support, comminication, sharing goals, maturity, putting your spouse above all else, making your spouse feel important/loved……….
Most of the men were full of crap and/or self-pity. There were some insightful comments, but I don’t think I read the word “serve”, which is what we are supposed to do. While there are times when I think that if my wife wants help with something she needs to ask, but to me that does include normal day to day items. If the trash, laundry, carpets, floors, children, etc., need attention, then do it. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that something needs to be done. If she wants the couch moved, or something out of the ordinary she will probably need to ask.
I could go on, but my blood pressure may go up. Men, get a grip.
Sue/Laura/Megan/Kelly/Vickie,
You made me feel that I’m not alone in this……… thank you and God bless you!
I just love it how all the men referr to hosework as “Helping us Out”! This i think is what annoys the most about them not doing it!. Why is it just assumed that is is our responsibility as women to get the house clean, washing done, food cooked ect….? My advice to women is not to typecast yourself as the cleaner/cook in the first place. if you can handle a few months of a messy house and take away dinners i say go for it, for that is the only was a man will OWN these responsibilities. Burn the dinner, or put too much salt in it, then praise your man when he cooks anything at all for you. Soon you will have your own chef! With men actions speak louder than words.
All very interesting. I guess I am unique in that I like to talk about stuff, personal and intimate while my mate seems to think its too much like work and that sharing is for people with problem relationships. I’m a guy with 4 months in a new relationship but not married. We’ve talked marriages a lot but feel like now we’re not heading that way well if she doesn’t want to work on the relationship and just let things ‘be natural’. Well her other relationships/marriages apparently didn’t work out so maybe this ‘working on making a relationship work’ isn’t such a bad idea if one really wants to be in a relationship at all. Now about sexual intimacy, despite us being in late 30’s and hardly virgins etc, sex (please define) is out until we’re married (for religeous reasons on her part) but the drive and interest is clearly there. So without it I’m seeking alternatives of gaining intimacy and bonding otherwise feel we’ll just be buddies and never get married, but thats the interest mutually so its said. Time alone simply isn’t gonna do it.
I’m reading a great book called ‘Communication Miracles for couples’ and highly recommend it.
In my case I truly believe that I tried everything I could to make the relationship successful, but now I find myself in a separation and divorce that I don’t want.
I was one of those husbands who honestly thought about how my wife’s day was going. I would gladly do household chores, cause I knew it would make my wife feel better when she got home from work knowing that there was nothing waiting for her. I am not saying that the household chores were her’s to do, I am saying that I know she would not rest if chores needed doing, she can’t ignore it and take time for herself, so I gladly did Laundry, Vacuuming, Dishes or whatever needed doing so that when she got home, she had to do nothing but sit down and relax. I would prepare dinner, and then clean up after the meal. I liked buying her flowers just cause I loved her.
Do you know what my efforts resulted in ? She took resentment to me always telling her what chores I completed. She said that I was implying that I got her work done for her. That could not be further from the truth. I was honestly trying to help. She started feeling uncomfortable every time I bought flowers or a gift. Her exact words were “What does he want now”. Talk about killing the act of giving, not even a thank you sometimes.
Then she did the ultimate; she went and had an affair with her boss from work. Talk about gutting me. When I found out I even said that I would still love her and that we would work towards repairing our relationship, her response was, I will always love you in some way, but I no longer want you as my husband, and with that she rejected me completely. I was completely faithful to her; everything I did all day was to make her life easier or to benefit her in some way.
My friends tell me that I did too much, that women just aren’t happy unless there is some form of strife in life. I prefer to think that men and women are different; no doubt about it, but that all that is really missing is the compassion and understanding for the other person. Couples talk often of Give and Take, I think the relationship should be Give and Give, if your partner adopts the same approach how lovely the world would be.
Well now I am decimated inside, complete loss of self-confidence and appeal to women. My wife has chosen a future without me, I did everything that I thought was the right thing for a husband to do to show his love, support and commitment to his wife, and it still failed miserably. In the end, we cannot measure our effectiveness as a spouse based upon what the other half of the relationship does. I will now learn to measure my own progress based upon how I feel about what I have done. If it makes me feel good to give flowers or a gift I will, simply because I think its the right thing to do. Looking for the positive reinforcement and/or positive acknowledgement from your spouse for the things you do, should not be the motivation for doing it, the simply act of giving or doing should be its own reward, and if its not, then stop, re-evaluate and plan another course of action.
Someday I will find a woman who will appreciate me; a man who does things daily for her, who puts her needs ahead of his own. I will find a woman who is happy with what she has right in front of her. Until then I will keep on looking for my sanctuary.
Very good article, though the one thing I disagree with (that so many men mentioned) is that the women must initiate sex & wear lingerie, etc., Well, listen guys–sometimes that doesn’t matter! I buy and wear lingerie a LOT (even stuff I don’t care for so much but that I know hubby likes), stay in excellent physical shape and look ten years younger than I am, and my hubby STILL turns me down fairly often. We used to make love 3-4 times a week and now I’m lucky if it happens once a week, and I’m ALWAYS the one to initiate.
We will go out and I’ll spend an hour getting myself ready and looking fantastic so he will like what he sees. Then he’ll spend all night checking out all the other women while all the other guys check me out. What I would give for that attention from my husband again!!!!!
I used to feel very sad and insulted, wondering what had changed or if he still loved me, and I felt better when I realized he is under stress from work and other outside things, he internalizes it (doesn’t talk about it much), and it probably isn’t me. I never envisioned having a marriage that “cooled down,” but I guess to some extent it is inevitable? That was certainly never my intention.
Still, I would feel so much more wanted and loved if my advances and efforts were reciprocated.
Actions speak louder than words.
“Demystified” ????? Hardly. We’re all unique and in different situations.
What I regret most is that eHarmony didn’t exist when I was looking for a spouse.
I found all the posts to be very interesting – I read each with rapt attention. Lots of insight and, boy, don’t the personalities of each shine thru! (A good thing!)
Silja – God, don’t leave the baby – that’s abandonment. Leave, indeed, WITH your daughter. I think everyone would agree this man is abusive. Begin a new life without resentment and anger and you’ll find happiness.
Julie – ditto. I got an employee. Had to laugh, ’cause that’s always what I say – ‘I wanted a partner, got an employee.’
Yep, Vicki, I get to take care of my car also. Thank goodness he takes care of his.
Chris – LOVE adding the maturity aspect. When will we grow up?
Megan – Great remarks
Kelly – Again, ditto!
Lily – If he wasn’t romantic before marriage, why did you expect him to be after marriage?
and finally…
Mark – YOU ROCK!!! Yep, get a grip. We are all adults and, as such, should behave accordingly. Taking responsibility for your own actions and inactions are paramount. If you were at work and were taken to task for not doing something, would you excuse yourself to your boss by saying ‘But, you didn’t ask me to do it?’ Mark is right – it’s not rocket science – if you see that something needs to be done, do it. You both live in the same house.
To paraphrase a line from the Good Book, ‘you reap what you sow.’
BRAVO to Mark!
I agree with all the women and men on here pointing out that it does not have to be “helping” around the house. These days wives and husbands, mothers and fathers often both work full time, and have hobbies outside of their home and work life they would like a little time for. Women are not afraid to break a sweat and work outside, they are not all defined as “cook-maid-nanny” anymore.
While some women do stay home and run the household (CEOs of Home Inc.) others have professional careers, and others work hard along with their husband to make ends meet. None of these women should be looked down upon, and hopefully as many as possible have chosen and are happy with the role they play in the world. That being said, unless a wife’s only job is the home and she wishes to “do it all”, their “other half” should be exactly that and DO exactly that. Husbands live in the house, eat, wear clothes, break thinks, use things up… as do women. In my mind it is not about “women’s work” or “men’s work” rather “adult’s work”. Divy it all up as individuals, with individual preferences and skill sets. If a women choses to take over the home and make it her job then she can ask for help as needed; otherwise both people need to take on the responsibility of adults including home life, children etc. Grown adults should not have to be told over and over that a dirty floor needs cleaning or that when you run out of clean underwear to do laundry.
Sometimes I think we women spoil our SONS and should be teaching them to be the husbands we would want. I hate the term “train your husband”. Men and women should both be taught at home as they grow up how to take care of themselves as if maybe they will never have a wife or husband to do things. You do not have to “do it all” perfectly but you should know how and you should know when!
A friend once complained she was up until 1 am packing for her and her husband for a trip, when her husband went to bed at 10. I asked her why he did not pack his own bag, and she said he always forgets things, like once he only brought 2 pair of underwear for a 7 day trip. So she does it for him. So I told her, a few more underwearless trips and he will figure it out. He is not a child and he is not an idiot, but he seems to think because mom did it so will wife. We are not their mothers!
Of course commercials do not help making men out to be drooling idiots who can not boil water or mop a floor to save their lives, in reality cleaning the house takes time and effort but it is not “rocket science” as someone said previously. Cooking takes some learning/trial and error, but plenty of men are great cooks! On the flip side women can change the oil, mow, kill the bugs and open the pickle jars (as I see several women here are doing in addition to everything else). And flowers and jewelry are not stand ins for work!
For women doing it all, asking for help and getting none. Stop doing it all if you can bear it. Pick a few things you can live without being done and do not do them. If a complaint comes your way remind them there are only 24 hours in a day, you too are only human, and you too care about yourself and not just your family. For example, I do not do my husbands laundry. I have plenty of my own for a load or 2 every week (I have a job and a hobby farm so clothes get dirty quick). My husband asked me “aren’t you going to wash my clothes?” I said “I did not get them dirty and I have farm chores to go do… so … no”. I do not drink milk, but my husband does, so when the milk is gone I tell him he needs to stop on his way home and get it, then he usually remembers to get a few other things we need. If I notice the need I stop on the way home.
My husband and I have been married 2 years and we are working through all these things. He had a very doting mother and liked to joke she’d “pass the gauntlet” on to me… I laughed. I was raised by a great mother and dad team who taught me to be able to take care of myself and be responsible for my dent in the world with or without a spouse. We should not NEED a husband or wife we should WANT a husband or wife.
So for them Men taking responsibility for their own messes and dents keep it up!! For men who are not, you lost mom when you moved away from home, get over it.
For women who think they need to do it all, to sacrifice themselves first to make their husbands and kids happy, while kids do need to be raised, taught, helped…. men should have gotten their training by now, you do not have to do it all.
Communicate, yes I agree. You may need outside help to get it done, but get your adulthood organized. Here is an idea… each rank jobs by what you mind doing least (or even like doing) to what you really dread. Split jobs accordingly so no only person does all “likes” and the other all “dreads”; alternately split days of the week to do things (I cook Mon, Wed, Fri and he cooks Tues, Thurs, Sat and we usually cook together or eat out Sun) there are lots of ways to take on the chores of life, maybe even well enough to let you have time for FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Something I forgot to mention before:
A man commented: “Share feelings? Not likely, because often a woman will already have the answer she wants in her head.”
Well, what gets my goat probably more than anything is being treated like “a woman.” Why not treat me like “me?” I am not like anyone else out there, female or male. Don’t think you can predict what I am going to say/think/feel because you once observed it in another female. You just might be surprised!
Sue you have the wrong guy. And Cara it’s ok to talk about your man just dont talk about the really sweet honey stuff that might attract bees that will sting you later. ladies you can not make excuses or give reasons to why you wont do for your man and men like wise. We all know that sex is very important in a marriage or relationship, but communication is the key also. I have communicated to my wife to be that sex more than twice every two weeks is not enough. Of course I have been strong in staying faithfull, but after a while a persons mind starts playing with their feelings, then I start feeling like I’m being rejected all the time. I do all the nice things, try to give her backrubs, she wont let me, feetrubs she wont let me, time to herself but no “joy.” Why do woman and men alike stop doing the things they use to do? It’s because they get comfortable. I hate to say it, but I’ll eventually cheat on her!
I have watched my marriage change over the past few years and am more confused every day. I read the major complaints listed and look at my marriage and wonder what went wrong. I love my wife. I try to be romantic, I send little love notes to her and try to surprise her with flowers at times other than the expected dates through out the year. None of it seems to make any difference, we have no love life and there doesn’t seem to be any desire for that to change.
I also try to do as much around the house as I can. I clean, cook, pay the bills, do laundry etc. I don’t wait for someone to ask, I do these things on my own. I have never thought of these things as “women’s work” they are just part of living. I also take care of all of the things that are considered “man’s work.”
I use to share my feelings but they don’t seem to be important any more. I often get a response from her that had I said the same thing she would have gotten very mad. I just keep quiet and go on.
My point for all of this is that relationships are never simple. There is some emotional communication that happens that is beyond the he or she didn’t do x. Keeping that bond whole and alive is a combination of many things and when it works the relationship is magic when it doesn’t we feel alone.
I am soo sick of hearing men say that they do not have esp and women should just tell them what they need and want. Women do tell men what they want and it is completely ignored or deemed relatively unimportant unless it is something that men want to do. Men try to act like they are incapable of remembering things and need to be told over and over. However, if you remind him then you are nagging. If you don’t remind him then it doesn’t get done. Yet when you go to work I am positive that your boss does not spend all of his/her precious time reminding you of your job responsibilities. In addition, you get good raises at work because you think outside the box- not because you just rotely perform duties upon command. So women are just asking you to show them you love and respect them by remembering to do the things that they ask you to do or at the bare minimum just stepping up to the plate and asking not “Honey – do you need me to do something?” but “Honey what do you need me to do?”. Also, nothing is more insulting than asking your wife if you can “help out” with the kids or the house. They are your kids and it’s your house!!! And unless you are providing financially so that your wife is a homemaker – then it is just as much your responsibility as hers. The fact that you phrase things such as “helping out” or “babysitting your own children” lets women know that you do not take ownership of those tasks.
And in response to Steve who says: That we get upset when we have to do something special to be worthy of your love in the bedroom? That you make us feel like we are perverted because we want to make love with you every day?
You don’t have to do anything special to be worthy of love in the bedroom. What you have to do is take your partner’s feelings in consideration. Just like everytime your wife turns you down for sex you feel unloved and rejected. Every time you passively sit by and let your wife do all the work, handle all the responsibility, and make her ask you to do something 20 times, and never volunteer or initiate handling a task – your wife feels unloved and devalued. You don’t just get credit for showing up every day. Everybody has to work. If you own your share of responsibility for your home and children – not just mowing the grass twice a month and never in winter and changing the oil in the car 4 times a year- but doing the day to day things that keep things in order- and your wife isn’t willing to make love to you regularly (not every day) – then I would think something is wrong. I was ready to make love to my boyfriend just for saying at the dinner table- “I”ll feed the baby- you go ahead and eat your food while it’s hot.”
and back to Steve:
How often do you mow the grass? Change the oil in the cars? Fertilize the lawn? Wash the car? Is he really the only one that does not help? Or do you each do things that are important?
Maybe you should count exactly how many times you do these tasks and how much time and energy it takes to do those tasks. Women are always stuck with the day to day maintenance and upkeep which need to be done no matter how tired you are or how bad your day was or if your period is on. Men always want to do the project things which can be done on their own time schedule – before the game, not this weekend – next weekend, not while it’s raining outside and a lot of times it’s things your wife would gladly pay someone to do ($20 oil change) or forgo (car wash) just to have you do something else like packing the kid’s backpack every day, making sure their uniforms are clean for school, actually not needing a map of your house to know where the kids stuff is and where the cleaning supplies are!!!!
And in response to Shauna: they don’t greet them at the door with a loving hug and kiss, but immediately ask them to help with the children.
Who greets the wife when she has to come home and immediately start taking care of the children? Personally, I do believe that both persons should want to greet each other lovingly, but why are men entitled to loving hugs and kisses and time to unwind from work while women have to get down to the matter of taking care of the children as soon as they hit the door. Where is women’s time to unwind. Is it at 8 PM when their spouse does not get the kids ready for bed? It is certainly not at 11PM at night with the no foreplay sex that is being proferred as a statement of love.
I want a man I can make love to regularly, that I can brag to my friends about, and that I can serve and cherish. However, he has to realize that my needs are just as important as his- even if they are different.
Very insightful discussion on some issues that weigh heavily on most marriages. Although many of the men’s comments helped present another point of view, I couldn’t help noticing that the men’s statements seemed more like a lesson being taught to a student in a “relationship workshop” – lots of information, and “how to’s” with little emotion or sentiment. The women however expressed genuine hurt at failed attempts to make things work – and more often than not talked about how much they love their husbands, despite the situation. Sorry guys but all the “right” information without a heart means pretty much ZIP to us ladies. As for my personal experience with the specific topics…..
#1 – He’s never romantic: Like most every other couple, this has always been an issue for us. I was brought up in a home with the most romantic man in the world (my father) and just assumed that one day I’d have a man that treated me like that. My husband grew up with the opposite, and literally does not know how to be romantic. Having to tell a man the things to do or say to make you feel loved and cherished gets old (I mean geez guys, haven’t you ever seen a romantic comedy before?) and ultimately a woman will “give up” most of her expectations when she realizes that her man will never deliver. When she gives up on her expectation of romance, she’s also giving up a certain amount of love in the process – so guys, don’t let it get that far without doing something. My father keeps telling me NOT to give up – that men are slow to learn but that one day my husband still could surprise me and sweep me off my feet. So I guess my suggestion to the ladies would be – no matter how impossible it seems, don’t give up hope that he may surprise you one day!
#2 – He won’t help around the house: This is definitely NOT an issue for us. We are both very hard workers (we’d be bored without lots of work!) and neither of us is shy about asking for help or giving our help to the other. We both enjoy more traditional male/female roles – so I do most of the work inside the house, while he takes care of the yard/cars and all of the other tasks (cooking, laundry, shopping) we share. I know that if I was lazy, my husband would have no respect for me – and I feel the same way about him. Shame on either party that thinks their home and their financial affairs are the responsibility of their spouse. If you aren’t willing to do your share of work, then you have no respect for yourself or your spouse.
#3 – He doesn’t share his feelings: My husband is a MAN – so obviously, this is an issue for us. Again, we’re from different backgrounds – my Dad talks about everything, his Dad does not…so talking about feelings does not come naturally to my husband. Of all the comments made by the men, I most enjoyed David’s who compared the sharing of feelings to a game show with no prizes!!! David, you could not be more correct!!! When my husband shares a feeling that is not in line with what I hope he is thinking (or think he should be thinking) I am guilty of becoming argumentative, expressing extreme disappointment in his answer, placing blame on him for our problems because of his way of thinking, or just plain shutting down and igoring him for the rest of the night. Since he does not want to fight, like David said, my husband has learned to guess at what he thinks I want to hear and cautiously steps into my mine field each time he opens his mouth with a response.
All I can say in the defense of women guys is that these reactions are a result of insecurity. Keep in mind that the world at large (especially media) makes women always feel that men are never happy with one woman. We are conditioned from a very young age to believe that most of our value is based on our looks…and when we fall short in that department (and who wouldn’t when comparing themselves to the models and actresses) our self esteem suffers. So, we are desperately seeking some kind of reassurance from you that we are heard, we are loved, and that we important to you. The way you share your feelings is judged the way it is because we are sometimes too insecure to keep an open mind. Please please – love your women and make them feel important and help them to relax in your love and open their minds and their hearts to your way of seeing life.
Having read this article and responses, as well as the counter article RE: the “other side” I find one general resounding theme, selfishness. Both articles have responses with varying degrees of intensity stating “I need . . .” or “What about me . . . ” and similar in order for something to occur (i.e. intimacy). While I certainly don’t dispute these needs for either gender, selfishness gets you no where in a partnership. Sometimes the man’s needs come first while other times the woman’s needs come first. At the times when the other’s needs are first, the reasoning ought not be “quid pro quo” but of loving understanding. That, of course, is a two way street.
As for the percentages/divisions often haphazardly tossed around, there is only one that reigns true, and has been mentioned here; that of 100/100. Both the man and the woman need to give 100% for the marriage to work. Emotionally though, both must realize that there will be days where one’s 100% might actually be less, even though they are still giving it their all. These days will come and go for both, and hopefully won’t overlap too much. In an ideal world, everything would balance out to legitimize 50/50. In reality that just isn’t the case, at least not in marriage. The goal ought to be to maintain reasonable balance, not perfect balance. If one (or both) feel a grossly uneven distribution, then professional help ought to be considered.
Lynn, well said! Especially the last two paragraphs.
I believe I have the opposite problem most women have: I don’t share my feelings. My marriage was on the verge of breaking up because I bottle up my feelings, shut down in the face of conflict, and refuse to acknowledge that I have needs. Partially comes from my personal beliefs, partially comes from a medical condition. It was about 9 months ago that I was diagnosed with manic-depression and put on medication which somewhat helped stabilize my rapid cycling.
But that isn’t the point. Over the past few months, my therapist has kept pounding into my head this one thing — have you made known your feelings to your husband? Right or wrong, these are your feelings, your wants and desires. You have a right to them. You need to vocalize them. And you need to find a happy middle, at least for you. I am still fighting this because it isn’t the way I naturally work, but some rewiring is necessary at times.
I have great friends that I can go to, that will listen to me. And I have a couple of (male married) friends who will take him aside and talk some sense into him as well.
It is interesting to see many message reflect to some degree a common theme that I think is important, and this is to note your own weaknesses not just you spouse’s. Do you tend to overreact, bottle up, expect, assume can you be combative, avoiding, lazy… Both genders I think need to accept their weaknesses and be willing to work on them.
“Little by little meeting in the middle” is actually a good communication tactic do not just say “You never…” as there may be another side to the story. I know I for one have a strong aversion to most household chores, after a day at work stuck inside I want to go outside and be active, not come home and be stuck inside some more. I love working with my hands, I love “projects” especially out on my farm because I suppose I take more pride in it then my house. I do not have kids yet so I can do this a little more easily, I am actually nervous about that whole part of my life especially when I talk to my friends with young children who never seem do do anything I would find fun. Most weekends you will find me in old clothes, dirty and sweaty and out in the barn. There is never a lack of work on a farm, and for me somehow that is fun but household stuff is torture. I like to cook but it always seems to take up so much of the evening when I get home from work at 6 pm that I have no time for anything else but to get things ready for work the next day. My husband likewise would rather be outside in the afternoon, but the house does need to get cleaned and we need to eat sometime. My husbands mother is very “girly” and more traditional than I am, so that is what he grew up seeing, it has been a big transition for us, but I think we are getting there. My friends remind me “He knew who you were before he said I do”
I guess what I am saying is do not assume a woman likes XYZ and thinks XYZ because she is a woman, or that a man likes XYZ and thinks XYZ because he is a man. We are all individuals, quirks and all.
To the men, just one question, why do men have to be ‘told’ what they need to do? Whether it’s helping out with the housework, taking care of the kids and/or nurturing the marital relationship at what point does a man self-initiate, become involved, see a need and take care of it? Isn’t it fair that a woman should be able to expect some level of self-initiative on the part of her husband? Your bosses do. So, if you come home from work and the laundry needs to be folded or put in the dryer, do it without having to be asked. If the kids are running around and your wife is cooking dinner, get the kids washed up and set the table. When women feel like they have to ask for everything it makes us feel like we are puppet masters and you are the puppets. I, for one, don’t want that job and it doesn’t make for a good marital relationship; it makes for a parent/child relationship. The excuse that you can’t read our minds is hogwash. We don’t expect you to. Get up and pay attention and do things because you want to contribute and be part of a partnership/relationship/marrigage, not because you’re told to! We want you to WANT to.
well my boyfriend and i have been going out for over eight years now. we have problems like a married couple would have. now, get this ladies, we talk and we talk alot. we have are arguments too. ihe tells me i play games, hinting around when i want something. ok yeah i admit i caught myself doing so. so he tells me, like these men have said up here, you want something, i am not a mind reader, tell me what you want. ok if its that easy, i will. i started telling him what i want. well geuss what, i still dont get it. i told him, now whats the problem? we havent been romantic in about maybe 5 years. i told him i would like to do something just the two of us. he thinks yeah he would like too but why wastemoney on stuff like that. but you wanna know something if it were for him all the money would be wasted. he likes to buy alot for himself. we get into disscussions and we start out talking good. i try to make sure if he says something i dont like i just breathe, cause i think sometimes i do nag too much, so i want to be more reassuring. but no matter what it dont work
relationships are based on team work, i can fully understand where the men are coming from, i often nag my husband shout and moan, but i know because he tells me, if i just asked him in a nice pleasant way he would do the thing i asked him, i know my husband is a tactile person and needs love and attention, and i know i would get a lot more from him if i gave a lot more, God i believe put woman on earth to be a mans help mate, NOT doormat, but partner and friend.
What I seem to find as I read through these is women either with husbands that don’t help or women with husbands that do help but don’t appreciate it. I would say if I had more help and consideration I certainly wouldn’t complain about it or wonder what they wanted. I think marriage should be equal in everything both people helping with cooking and cleaning both people taking time for each other both people helping with the children. Heirs together by Patrica Gundry is a real good book on marriage.
Lynn – bingo! I applaud your reality check. To those men who do it all, I appreciate your position and feel your pain – that’s not balanced either, though. And my comments are about my relationship with my husband and the recommendations are directed at people who are not mentally ill (you may not know who you are, but if any of this doesn’t make sense, it could be you).
I’ve been married 30 years and we’ve been through all of it. I’ve been the supermom who did it all while working full time. I allowed my husband plenty of space to be the man and meet his man needs with his pals, hobbies, vacations (without being passive-aggressive). After all this time, we still have plenty of issues, but these younger relationships – really! Don’t expect your wife to be your parent. That’s definitely not sexy. Don’t ask her permission to do something you know is at her expense. In fact, don’t do things that are at her expense. It’s just wrong in so many ways. That creates the score card and in the end, most men will lose if the relationship is about keeping score. The communication thing – well, it’s not really about mind reading or giving instructions guys. The failure to learn the basics in your own home is ridiculous. You eat food, so you should know how to shop for it and prepare it on occasion without being instructed. We learned that he liked to BBQ or prepare meat or try new meat recipes. It was my job to handle the rest. Seemed to work for us. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could work out a system in your home that works? You wear clothes, so you should know how to shop for them and launder them on occasion without being instructed. On the rare occasion when my DH did do his own laundry (never shopped for anything not related to hunting or fishing) it might’ve been nice if he could’ve just done it and not complained about the laundry room being a mess. If you weren’t married, you would take care of things in your life (hopefully not take it home to your mother or a girlfriend – UGH). Begin married does not give you permission to lose your way or ignore taking care of things that need doing.
And money…wow…you should each have knowledge of what things cost and what it takes to maintain everyday life. The only way to know this is to be involved and do it. You both should be involved in everything at some point so you can appreciate what the other person may be taking care of when they “do it all”. This really hasn’t been a topic so far, but suspect there are issues in many of these instances because of the imbalances.
Guys, you fathered children, so you might want to take some responsibility for being involved in their lives beyond “helping out or babysitting” (UGH) – honestly, you don’t babysit your own children, you parent them and that requires time and energy, without being instructed. It requires knowing their schedules at school and their interests outside of school. Taking the time and energy to really know them, learn about them, what they like, what their strengths and interests are and support them by being there. PS, you can’t expect them to pick up your slack with the chores – why should they do what you, yourself, won’t?
My DH – He’s a good provider and a successful businessman. He’s honest and consistent. Didn’t like to maintain cars, so that was done elsewhere. He was able to remember trash day most of the time without being reminded – as long as the interior trash was out delivered to the garbage can (he could only remember we had trash in the kitchen for the life of him). He mowed the lawn most of the time when it needed it. Over the years, he’s learned he could fix a thing or two or ten that I preferred not to fix – like the broken sprinkler or changing light bulbs on a very tall ladder. Actually gotten quite good at this over the long haul – and I’ve learned never to question him or supervise or whatnot related to these things. When he sets his mind on something, it gets done. When I ask him to do something these days, he does it, and usually right away.
I’ve done plenty of yard-work and tons of home remodel projects/maintenance – yep, did that too. I know one of the only reasons we made it through many of our years together is because we hired housekeeping help. DH wasn’t willing to do housework, but was willing to pay for some help so that I wasn’t doing all the deep cleaning too. We really couldn’t afford it, but we didn’t want to be divorced, so this was our solution. It’s not about 50-50, it’s just about involvement and caring. We have some wonderful adult daughters (and yes, I take nearly full credit for that achievement as those were the years where 90% of everything was me). He didn’t begin taking an interest in them until they were nearly teenagers, and then it was spotty. So, yes, I take nearly full credit.
Of course I have all the same issues as many of these women where I was so busy with everything, that figuring out how to be involved with my DH while I had to overlook the fact that he ignored me, our relationship, our home, our children…I just couldn’t figure out how to add trying to make our relationship fabulous to my enormous pile too. And he certainly didn’t make any effort. And where did I fit into this picture – me personally…well, I was pretty far down on my list. My needs were not the priority. If my family was healthy, happy and safe, I felt good. I stayed healthy – gained some weight – but I look good. I believe I look good every day – always have. Wish I would’ve made more time for myself as it’s something I’m having to learn now and it is, I must say, somewhat of a challenge.
So, here we are – empty-nesters. And what is missing is our connection. Our personal involvement with each other. What we failed to do was maintain our relationship. We are helpful to each other and considerate of each other. A big mistake we made was we didn’t have activities/interests we did – just the two of us. DH is finally interested in us, after all this time. I’m at the tail end of all the supermom stuff and really, the big question for me is am I interested in us? What I’m interested in, after all this time, is learning what I might like. Me. For a change. After 30 years – I believe I’m willing to try the We vs. Me. We know it could potentially be great. Will we choose to focus on our future and all the fine qualities of each other and start having some fun? There is enormous potential. What I know for a fact though, is that there can be no We without Me. He’s had years and years of ME ME ME ME ME. I have no experience with this, but am working on it. Learning to play. Learning what interests me, as a mature and whole woman.
All I can recommend is this. Find a system that works for you. Stop putting energy into finger pointing. It’s a waste of time and does nothing for your relationship. You must respect each other. You must learn from your mistakes. First and foremost, you must care. You must stay involved. You must take responsibility for your happiness and your actions. You must love each other and yourself enough to not take it all for granted.
Housework is done by both Husband and Wife. Period. I shall not ask…I SHALL expect. Who made me in control of everything anyway? Men and women will take advantage of their spouse in the same way that they took advantage of their parents. You just don’t allow them to treat you that way or you them. Read the book Necessary Losses for a clearer idea of what codependency is. When your emotions are wrapped up in what your husband does then how do you expect to stand on your own? Make yourself happy? I’m only 32 but I’ve been married for 9 years and at least I’ve got the equal responsibility thing down. With three boys and both of us working we have learned to prioritize chores. Now romance and feelings? Those are anentirely different subject.
Well I Think you all aright, because we are all diffrent, Not one person is the same so we all need to think of are own ways of getting what we want out of are marriage.
My Husband work a full time job, and still helps around the house,and yes i some times forget to tell him thanks, But and this is the big but I all ways tell him i apprechate what he does.
Believe me we have problems and lots of the them, and we have no kids.
My issue with my husband and with all men is why do you fell the need to go into chat rooms on your PC’s and talk and flrit with females if you say you are happy at home…..?????
And then when we ask we get all Thay are Just FRIENDS…..
Hum ever thaught of how that shounds to your Wife witch Hume you clame to love??
or how it makes her fill????
Ladies also that do that to there Men
Thanks
Lorraine
How amazing to read the mens responses. I must be in a role reversal situation. I must have all the male hormones and he has the woman’s. That is so odd. I am the one who wants sex, fixes things. He is the one coming in the door complaining and mad at every little thing. He lives in the past and throws it in my face. I just want to make love and solve everything. As long as I’m close and feel intimate with him, I’m great. I work on our issues and try to accept responsibility for my mistakes, I keep the house, love to cook, workout, love to dress sexy, love to shoot pool, play sports, take bubblebaths, light candles, ride the Harley, have sex. I am lucky to work for myself. I garden and read, take quiet time for myself and pray. We do only what he wants together – never what I suggest but I enjoy it as it’s the only time he will do anything ‘together’. I feel like I have enough varied interests that he would want to spend time with me but he doesn’t. He prefers to stay on the computer and watch TV when he gets home from work. He won’t say good morning or good night. He’s isolated himself from friends and us from common relationships. All those things the guys say girls should do – I do and enjoy it. So what’s up?
excellent words to ponder by most. however regarding ” helping around the house ”
I still think needs a little more clairification.
1. It is Not “woman’s work” 2. Nor is it “adult work” 3. It is… what it is called…HOUSE WORK.
This “house work” ( which encompasses everthing related to running a home) needs to be divided reasonably to EVERYONE who lives in the house( you are never too young to start learning what it takes to run a house). not just to some, willy nilly. the adult / parents are the ones to determine the list of “house work” and the division there of. after preparing the list of “house work” determine which jobs each person living in the house are mentally and physically able to do. then adjust the chore load until it is reasonable for everyone.
If you need something … simply ask for it respectfully and accept the answer given
or provide a different explaination if you feel you were not heard correctly
Men are not mind readers… I can and will vacuum when I see the need…
women, thinking men are mind readers wonder why it’s not done yet …
If a woman askes me to do it now instead of when I want …. then I am doing it for her
( even tho it’s still just “house work”) and I have no problem with that and neither should she( i love to do things for my wife). she should accept this or just let me do it later when I am ready or just do it herself Quietly.
I have one question after reading these e-mails: Why is it that although the women have asked for help, consideration, and communication, the men have continued along their merry way, ignoring their wives’ needs? I am in a 23-year marriage and am miserable. My spouse thinks this marriage is wonderful, no matter what I say or try to explain to him – again.
What is it I feel as though the wife has a reson just to be mean to the husband. Even if he does all kinds of things for her. Trys to please her so much, but it really dosnt mean a thing.
I am just another collection of some sort.
Michael,
I think you bring up a notion in your post, perhaps it is the difference between two people (it can happen between two same gender roommates not just the married) and when they consider something “needs” to be done. My father was a very clean person and he felt cleaning up needed to be done three minutes ago. He would actually clean the kitchen as my mom finished cooking and so after dinner it was just a matter of putting plates in the dishwasher (my job as kid) and stashing any leftovers.
In my post when I used the term “adult work” I suppose I was alluding to the implication presented to some degree by the media, that men are boys and women are women. Sadly this does exist in the real world where men come home to watch TV and play video games and take a nap and women come home to cook, help kids with homework, get things ready for the next day and perhaps some cleaning or laundry. Now of course not ALL men do this, but the ones that do some how spoil things for the men that are grownups. I am married to a grown up, he does still play a little but only when I am playing too
I get emails all the time about “men” and “women” that are supposed to poke fun but really it is not a joke.
Maybe for those couples who have different opinions of when things “need” do be done they should write up a sort of schedule so that things that need to be done regularly get done regularly. Also both parties need to talk about problems as they come up, and be clear about what they need or want. For me, inside jobs do not equal outside jobs because I would much rather do the outside ones, unfortunately so does my husband. So him outside mowing does not drive me do all the laundry, while him cleaning or cooking might.
It all comes down to personal situation really and realizing who you are married to or dating. If you can not work these things out, if one person always feel like they get the short end, if outside help does nothing, maybe some serious decisions need to be made about the relationship. This is why couples need to talk about these things before marriage and not assume he or she will do XYZ.
For the women putting in a 80 hour work week be it at home, at the office or both while hubby refuses (asked or not) to put in much past 40, maybe an outside party can help. Counseling may be a scary word but sometimes a stranger can point things out better.
I love my fiance dearly. I try to be there for him. It’s just hard when we live with his dad. I knew about it before I moved in, but sometimes it’s difficult to deal with. Mostly because they own a transmission and auto care shop, and while I want to work, I don’t want to work at the shop. I never learned how to drive, so I am dependent upon my fiance to drive me around. He has promised me over and over again that he’ll teach me to drive, but he is home only on Sundays and he works so much I don’t get to see him much. I have always hated to clean, but it is my duty, not because I live there,, but because it won’t get done otherwise. i would be more independent, but there are no buses where i live and it takes 30-45 mins. to get from the shop to our house, without traffic. I have been trying to not nag him to help, but it’s fusterating to see him sit in the chair and do nothing after I clean, when I know that he doesn’t do anything at work (I’ve gone to the shop with him). It’s just fusterating. I would be more willing if he showed some interest in me, but the most interest is when he kisses me on the cheek before bed or the rare occasion we make love, which I have to ask for. He used to ask for it, but not anyomre. I don’t know what to do. I’ve suggested that we go out and he says he’s too tired, I say lets get away one weekend, he says I can’t stop working. He goees to work at 6:00 and doesn’t come home ’til 7 or 8. I have dolled up for him, but he says he doesn’t like it when I wear makeup or anything like that. I just wish I knew what I could do just to get him to look at me like he did when I first moved in. He useed to kiss me in public a lot and now I can’t even get him to hold my hand without him pulling away. I’m just so confused. His dad got a gilrfriend and now we’re falling apart and I don’t know how to stop it.
Maria and all
Sorry no gender bias intended.. I wrote from my personal situation… and what I said can appy to anyone in any relationship.
additionally your comments stirred me to add… after the ” list of House hold work ” has been compiled and divided…
the tasks on the “list”could also “be rotated” so everyone will have an opportunity to learn/ experience /do (or try to) all of the tasks required to run and maintain a home.
Maria, I enjoyed reading your comments. Your suggestion is great when you said “Maybe for those couples who have different opinions of when things “need” do be done they should write up a sort of schedule so that things that need to be done regularly get done regularly. Also both parties need to talk about problems as they come up, and be clear about what they need or want.” Sadly, that is exactly what cannot happen in my marriage. My husband refuses to compromise. There can be no talking/discussing. It takes two to talk and be clear about what each needs or wants. It is a dead end when only one person talks and has no desire to get any help at all. I guess that is when one has to look at other options … but how long does one wait? How long should we be patient and forgiving?
To clarify:
Vazmataz: I didn’t give out any rally sweet honey stuff, I honored my husband with praise and respect, that is how I bragged on him. The worst and saddest part of your comment is you are actually thinking about committing adultery. Before you do, I BEG you not to! IT WAS/IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAS SHARED THE MOST TREASURED FEELINGS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. That was THE ONLY thing I had with my husband that no other woman had. And now I don’t even have that. If I could have died, I would have to stop the pain. It’s been 1 year and I still cry everyday because I still think of the betrayal. And everyday I wonder “is he going to do it again? when is the next time? am I loving him enough this time? does he love me enough today?” He has destroyed every ounce of self confidence and self assurance I had. It is so hard to trust ANYONE. I have no close friends any more because the woman he cheated with was a best friend (or so I thought). So before you do anything AS STUPID AS RUIN TWO LIVES… talk with your wife and if necessary get counseling. IT IS NOT WORTH THE PAIN.
David: on your comment does not “eliminate his need for intimacy” we had intimacy, but apparently my husband wanted something else and didn’t “communicate” it to me. And I don’t care WHO you are, there is absolutely NO REASON
TO COMMIT ADULTERY!
Paul: Both me and my husband were very active in our church believe it or not. And the “friend” was also. That is why is was so devastating to me. I thought my husband was exactly where God wanted us to be. He was teaching Sunday School, on the Advisory board, never missed a service, he was the spiritual leader I had always thought he could be. I was blinded. This so called friend was having marital problems and I was trying to counsel her ( she was younger than me) so I thought I was helping. But she was just finding out how to get closer to my husband and manipulate him into an affair. She was telling him what kind awful wife I was, and how she could be better for him and wanted him to leave me and the children and marry her…etc….so my advice is looks can be deceiving. I trusted TOO MUCH. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. Don’t let any woman get too close to your husband and don’t let your husband get too close to any woman, I don’t care how good a friend they are or how long you’ve known them. People can manipulate and be manipulated. And the results are ugly!
I don’t understand this at all. I am on the verge of a divorce because of the actions of my husband.
First of all, I am going to college to earn my degree full-time, and I work part-time. So, not only do I work to provide what I can for my husband and 2 year old son, but I am trying to earn my degree to make our lives better. School means studying and homework, right?
Well, my husband told me that he supports me 100% on going back to school to get my degree, but he is always trying to argue with me while I am doing my homework. If I go to the library or on campus to do my homework, I have to listen to him go on and on about how he thinks I’m cheating on him when I get home. Every second I am home, he is always complaining about something. I have tried so many times to discuss things with him, but he will not listen and is always finding me at fault, no matter what I do or say.
He says he has no time alone…but I also have to remind him that I don’t either, but according to him, that does not matter because at least I don’t have to deal with a child in the terrible twos. True, but I do have to deal with nagging bosses, and wrapping my brain around 300 level college courses every waking moment. So, as SOON as I get home, I have to get my son or he will have a nervous breakdown. I have no time alone, no time to myself, and NO time to relax. EVERY moment that I am at home, I am getting bitched at for everything.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have only been ,married for 2 years, and I already want OUT! He is pushing me away, but he thinks that by arguing with me all the time that he is trying to mend things.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG HERE?
Also, I forgot to add that we have not been intimate in an entire year. I have a heart condition that I am taking meds for, so my heart doc told me not to take birth control pills because of the hormones. My husband complains that we never have sex, but he WON’T wear a condom when we have the chance. I don’t want to get pregnant again…I can’t because of my heart condition, but he won’t wear a condom because he says he can’t feel anything. So we argue about that constantly too.
I’m only 24. I shouldn’t have to deal with all this stress. He is 32, and I think he is going through a mid life crisis.
He is driving me to think impure thoughts about my fellow co-workers, and I am so sexually frusterated that I might just act on those thoughts even though all of my morals are very against adultry. What would any of you do?
vazmataz – what about a woman who could have sex twice a day. that’s me. my husband just isn’t in the mood or has too much on his mind or is sleepy or doesn’t feel like it. i feel like the guy here.
Dear Steve:
I take both of our cars to have the oil changed, about once every 3 months. I mow the lawn every other weekend. I am also the person who washes the cars, does all the minor repairs, deals with all the repairmen for major repairs, has the gutters cleaned, pays the bills, manages the budget, deals with the accountant.
I also make sure there’s a jack, jumper cables and fix-a-flat in the trunk of his car. I am hard pressed to think of a manly or womanly task around my house that isn’t my responsibility. He makes the money, that’s it.
Don’t be so glib and presumptuous.
To Eva, Is college more important to you than your marriage? It is obviously creating a significant amount of stress so if your marriage is important to you, either drop out for now, or cut back on the amount of hours you are taking. Your husband & your son need you.
No wonder you aren’t feeling close to one another if you haven’t had sex for a year! That must be resolved immediately. I was never able to use birth control pills due to the risk of blood clots in the legs, where I have terrible veins, but husband has never used condoms either. First we used foam, then used the rythm method where you learn to recognize when you are ovulating & obstain, then he had a vasectomy when we’d had all the children we wanted. Now I must admit that our sex life improved tremendously when I didn’t have to be concerned about getting pregnant, but I’ve never once denied his advances, & we’ve been married now for 28 years. If your husband is going through a crisis, it’s due to the lack of sexual relations with you! And even though he agreed to college, he probably had no idea that it would separate you so much from the family. Expecting things to suddenly change for the better when you aren’t willing to make any changes is stupid! Wake up & save your marriage while you can!
Sara,
I am pretty ok say my hubby and my friends so I guess I am allowed 
I pray you can find a way to bring communication into your home.
I am no expert and not even married long, but if you are beginning to really feel helpless maybe, if you can find time, you could get some counseling from someone who does singles and couples. Maybe if your counselor then required your husband come a few times as a part of it she/he could begin to help. I have a pair of friends who did this. He was insanely jealous but would not admit it was all unfounded. She went to someone mainly to try to get a second, unbiased professional opinion on how to handle it. The counselor said her husband needed to come in for at least 2 sessions so he could better help my friend. Her husband actually agreed to this, I think he was expecting to hear that she was flirtatious and needed to stop, but what he found out was speaking to a clients parent (she is a sports trainer), another trainer, or other business related adults that are male does not equal flirting. He actually was suppressing severe anxiety due to his 1st wife having cheated on him. They are doing much better now. I really think communication is key. My parents were great at this, as was I with them, yep a teenager and we actually managed to communicate!! Today my mom and I still talk very openly, even if the voices rise some of the time. I try very hard to be honest and open with my husband, I have never pretended to be anything other than who I am, take me or leave me I am what I am
Eva,
did you know they make hormone free IUD now that are said to be as effective as the pill? They are a little pricey, but if you plan for no kids in the next 5 years it pays of. My friend is on one for 1 yr now and no accidents, and she is very “active” with her hubby.
Michael,
but I do it. I suppose I am a little bit workaholic, I have my Phd in addition to all this, I can not seem to get enough!! My husband has helped teach me to chill a little, to sit on the beach or by a lake and just “be”. Anyway, I am a worker and a teacher so I am always trying to get others to expand their horizons, to to their best plus some, and to get past labels and find out what they as individuals excel at. I figure the world needs more “characters” anyway.
I agree!! I always encourage people to learn. My father died on my 20th birthday. I was still living at home and stayed at home to be there for my mom. I became the “handy woman” in the house at the same time I just began my farm so I was doing a lot and learning a lot around there, like fixing 16 ft fences by myself, laying water lines, wiring etc. My husband actually got teased because as my boyfriend for my 1st Christmas with him I asked for a scroll saw. This year I want a miter saw. I can also cook a great meal, it’s the cleaning up after I hate
there is alot i have to say. my boyfriend and i have been together over eight years. we both have alot of differences. we get along, but we have our rough spots. its hard to work together sometimes when we dont see eye to eye. i have a very hard time dealing with his opinions on certain things. he says men see things in color, where women see it in black and white. he says why do women always gotta read into things and just except the answer for what it is. while me, the answer aint always right. there are reasons for everything. and sometimes the answers dont add up. i have an open mind, but it can be shut at anytime if my feelings get hurt or a belief. i believe that can go for anybody. i know i am not the only one out there. between the both of us he thinks i am unfair and i think that of him also. i have a hard time letting go of things, probaly if it happened once it can and possibaly happen again. even if it is said it wont happen again. action speaks louder than words. i am afraid of letting go of issues. i feel if i let go i am allowing it to happen again. if i dont let go i can control it happening again. i have a really hard time with issues.no i dont want control i want safety and security. when your broken its hard to get fixed again. i know ppl can say get over it , move on. but its really hard. i am fragile. the pieces cant be put together so easily. cause some pieces became shards and they peirce your heart no matter how good everything is or you may want them to be. it is still there. i have been hurt by several ppl in my life. past and current. i can love but not fully. i have been in counseling on and off, but it dont help. since i got a computer i like having advice from every aspect. i like getting advice ecspecially from the men, it helps me to listen and hear what they have to say. i have learned alot. see i try to get advice from my bf, but he can only speak for himself. i had a step grandfather who was always there for me but never explained the way men can be and what they do or how it is. i watched my grand parents when i grew up and they were secluded. i didnt start that way til i had kids. my bf said i changed, everything was wrong to me. which i can kinda see, i did. anything adult is and not really on my mind. yes we have great sex, but after that thats it. no more adult things, like going to a bar haven a few, going out with the girls, while he hangs with the guys. doing other things. he says i turn down alot of things. i am a mom and need to set examples to make and have good kids what kinda of person am i if i go out every so often. i feel they will lose the responsibilty if they grow up in enviroment like that. i have obligations so does he. i didnt make them by myself. it took two. i never ahd a family but my grandparents. they took care of me while my mom went to be with her friends. she really had nothing to do with me. does anybody know what kind of impact that makes on a child? his ma was the same way, but he sees differently on it then i do. there is more to it than that, but for now i wont get into it. guys, please, give us more detail on your opinions , thoughts and feelings. it sure would help us getting more insight on you and we could start thinking differently about things, but take in consideration on how we feel too. it will help you understand us more. cause i believe there are more (not to be mean) piggish men out there. what i mean is that no matter what there is no women worthy of you, you have a one track mind, and you always have sex on the brain. is there more to you than that? what makes you want your women more than others, even though you still have to look at other women? is your wife or gf just aplay thing til something better comes along? do you look for something better, even though you claim to truly love your wife? is it always TNA? have you ever looked at a women as a person instead of something you could possibaly breed with? is it possible to mature? men like there women conserivative, but still check out easy women and possibaly do more with them if the chance is still there. is that true? even when you love you so? are you strong enough to be seduced and not act on the offer? or do you like the thrill of it? what is it? what can we be to you? really, i am truly wanting to know. what is up with all of this?
To those that commented on my posts. My point was that there are things both of us do, I only listed a few of the obvious ones that is usually done by the man. There are many more besides those (and I wish I only had to mow twice a month.. more like twice a week plus the other yard work and it gets cut when it needs it not when I want to do it.. but thats neither here nor there .. ).
I especially find it quite telling that some of women had to make comments saying that it does not compare to how much they do. Do you realize that you immediately minimized the contribution the man makes to the household? That lack of appreciation for what we do definitely will drive a man away and my guess is that if you are posting it here, your man also realizes you don’t appreciate him. I realize that my wife does a lot (although I think she goes way overboard on how much she cleans, etc.. why not clean a little less or make a simple dinner, or use paper plates, and have a little more time and energy for couple time?). Don’t get mad at him for not doing as much as you when you are doing more because ‘you’ ‘want’ to do more.
I also find it hard to believe that some of your husbands do nothing but earn 1/2 the households money. If that is the case, then you should kick him to the curb and move on with your life. But if you are witholding sex because you feel you are getting a bum rap on the household chores don’t be surprised when it turns out someone else decided to meet that need (and if he has normal testosterone levels, it is a ‘need’ not a ‘want’).
Personally I would take love making over a clean house any day of the week. I can’t say thats true for every man but if I can believe what I read in a great book “His needs, Her needs” it is true for most. Actually, if any women have read it, I would be interested in knowing if the author is right about their main needs? I have tried to be more attentive to the needs the author lists at top priorities for women and it does not seem to make any difference.
My compaint is much different. I married the wrong person and have been married for 14 years now. When I first met my husband, I ignored several red flags that went up and I am paying for it to this day. My husband is not a bad guy, but he is very insecure and childlike. He is a definite Mama’s boy and has a hard time doing things for himself. He doesn’t have any friends because he thinks that if he has friends, that they might want to have sex with me. We live a very isolated life because of his insecurities. I have come to a point in my life now that I can’t wait for him to change. It’s been too long. I have tried all the things that are mentioned above, but have come to the realization that I don’t love him anymore. Too much time went by with night after night of no initiation of sex from him. I got tired of being the initiator many years ago. Sometimes I have to wonder if he’s gay. As long as there are men and women coming together in this world there will always be problems and conflict. But, chemistry plays a huge role in the equation. In my case, we just don’t blend. I am a much more ramantic, passionate person than my husband and feel inhibited when we are in the bedroom. I really can’t be who I want to be and it starts to tear down the very fabric of your being when you can’t express openly who you are. I think men need to learn how to “make love” to their wives and not just have sex. There is a huge difference! The moral of my story is that if you feel that it’s more that just who didn’t do this and who didn’t do that, then maybe it’s do we really belong together.
I found all of the postings to be very interesting. This goes out to the men (and if this fits you then maybe you should change). I have read all of the mens points, although some valid but, most of them or just plain selfishness on your part. If your wife ask you to do something how long will it take you to do it? Next men and women are suppose to be made equal. Why should your spouse Tell you what to do. Marriage is a partnership. Your co-worker don’t have to tell you how to do your job at work. housework is just that WORK, AND IT TAKES TWO to make it work. It does not take a rocket scientist to show you how to keep a house clean, Just do it. Figure out how to take care of the kids, buy food, etc. Go to the bookstore and buy books on how to if you need to. Stop blaming your spouse for your laziness, and unwilling to do better, because she did not tell you or ask you to do something.
Plain and simple just like you men get tired of nagging, and arguring. Women get tired and feed up with telling you the same things over and over again. (Grow up)
And to you men out there who is being the man your wife wants you to be, I say thank you.
Now, for you low life men who find reason or fault your wife for you reason of cheating, just because she did not wear a cute nighty to bed, where were you when she went to bed?
or for any other excuse for cheating, I say Stop it…… Stop blaming your spouse for sending you out to cheat. You should take that energy that you make up lie after lie to do more research on how to keep your wife happy. What you can do to put the spice back into the relationship. Use that energy to tell your wife your problems.
You men know exactly what you are doing. Why must you go and share your personal life with another women, instead of your wife. I bet you don’t go and tell your best male friend about what the problem is. You know full well by the time you tell your personal business to another women the two of you will be in bed faster than you can so no. Thats why you men do this.
Women, Stop falling for these tricks. Don’t listen to these type conversations. Tell him to talk it over with his wife. I guanrantee if he thinks that you are not interested he will not talk to you about that again. Women have respect for this other women feelings. You would not want your spouse to discuss your personal business with another women.
Men stop getting marriage to the first person you think that you fall in love with. You men are quick to fall in love with someone. Then you go through a little pain and you are ready to take a risk, or flight. If you are married take your vows seriously do the right thing, stick it out. Don’t leave the first time something happen. Learn how to work things out. The first sign of a little trouble you are gone.
Women take a heave to what is being said. If you are doing your part then strive on, but if you are not doing what you need to be doing then I suggest you do, because crying later won’t help!