How Couples Become Unhappy
Dr. Thomas Bradbury has been studying marriages since 1985.
“I love the idea of trying to understand human intimacy. Intimacy is like the wind blowing,” says Dr. Bradbury. “You can’t see it. You can only see the effects of it. Its invisibility is precisely what makes it so vexing and so fascinating.”
As a professor at the University of California at Los Angeles, Dr. Bradbury seeks to understand what he calls “one of the most important dimensions of the human experience”—how intimate relationships change. Why do some thrive where others falter? His research findings are thought-provoking, practical, and relevant to any couple.
A New Approach
Marriage research in the 1970s focused on identifying differences between happy and unhappy couples and then devising therapies that would help make unhappy couples converse like the happy couples. But experimental tests of these therapies had less than stellar results. In Dr. Bradbury’s mind, this approach missed a critical point—how did the couples become unhappy? What were the causes of their unhappiness? Because presumably every couple is happy at some point, he began conducting longitudinal studies with newlyweds. This allowed him to observe couples over long periods of time in order to understand the factors that foreshadow changes in relationship satisfaction.
“The hypothesis has been that mismanaged conflict is, first and foremost, the cause of relationship problems,” says Dr. Bradbury, and so you see a lot of programs and therapies designed for this purpose. “But we have found that newlywed couples who go on to divorce are decent problem solvers, and that modifying problem-solving skills does not have much of an effect on the course of marriages. Couples do not need to solve all of their problems as much as they need to create a setting in which they can discuss them with respect and understanding, rather than with threats and hostility.”
Indeed, his research and research by his colleagues show that how couples talk to each other can be far more important than what they argue about.
“Clearly, communication is part of the engine of a marriage; it’s what keeps it going or causes it to break down,” says Dr. Bradbury. “And although communication is remarkably complex, we are now in a position to pinpoint some of the key ingredients that can be beneficial or destructive.”
The Lessons Learned
The research supports the old adage that says it is not what you say but HOW you say it, and it also clarifies why this is the case. In marriage, the key is to consistently create a safe, nonthreatening environment. Dr. Bradbury has found that the emotional climate you create between the two of you may be more important than the raw communication skills either of you bring to the marriage. Of course, basic communication skills—active listening, reducing defensiveness, and avoiding the blame game—are a great starting point. But, in the end, if you are not giving and receiving respect, if you are not feeling supported, if you do not feel safe, major issues will erode the fabric of your intimacy and connectedness.
Dr. Bradbury says that it’s about the emotional quality of what you say. He tells couples it is vital to pay attention to the emotional tenor of daily conversations and to use affection and even humor whenever possible. Steer your interactions away from hostility and aggressiveness at all costs, and find ways to communicate safety and security.
But why is this so important? Well, it’s how we’re hardwired. Simply put, we are biologically equipped to seek out and stay around nurturing, warm individuals. After all, we have survived by avoiding threats and danger, or by “going on the offensive” when we feel threatened. So, in a modern environment where we are exposed to a whirlwind of threats and stressors, it is essential that our intimate relationships function as a safe haven rather than another source of tension.
“We are wired to respond to threat—it is central to survival,” says Dr. Bradbury. “Couples have to realize that they have the power to provide real comfort, emotionally and physiologically, to their partners. “
He cites a fascinating study done by James Coan and colleagues, in which subjects were hooked up to an MRI and were given signals indicating either that they might receive a small shock in the next few seconds or that they would not. Researchers were interested in looking at the appearance of brain structures when a person faced a threat or safety. Each participant (all were female) went through this repeated procedure under three conditions: the subject could either hold her husband’s hand, a stranger’s hand, or no hand at all. The MRI scans showed that the fear response was reduced significantly when holding a partner’s hand versus a stranger’s or no hand at all—and that this reduction was greatest for the wives who reported the happiest marriages.
Touch and affection can offset the threat response in all of us. Couples who comfort one another to defuse tension during arguments are happier than couples who don’t. So, for example, if a person is facing a mild shock in the lab or his partner is yelling at him in the real world, the “fight or flight” response is triggered. But if his partner lovingly touches him during the shock or during the heated argument, this releases oxytocin and makes him feel emotionally calm. Kind, understanding words probably have a similar effect. Thus, we can directly affect our partner’s emotional state by engaging in physical intimacy and other soothing behaviors, as these offset natural threat responses.
Giving to Get?
So now you know why your capacity to relate to your spouse in a validating, understanding, appreciative way is so powerful. And you’ve learned why touch and gentle expressions can counteract our natural instinctive responses to threat. But when the dishes are piled up in the sink and you’re stressed out about work and the kids need a haircut and it’s only Monday, how are you supposed to put it all into practice?
“There’s no question that feeling tired, threatened, and stressed compromises our ability to reach out to others. These are unusually powerful feelings, but again we have to see that we are all biologically prepared to take care of ourselves rather than others in these situations,” says Dr. Bradbury. “We have to recognize in ourselves and in our partners when this is happening, and we have to see this as a signal to compensate somehow—cutting ourselves some slack, backing off, slowing down, giving our partner the benefit of the doubt, getting some perspective. This is not easy, so we want to practice calming and soothing one another when the stakes are not quite so high. And remember that it is not so much the words we utter but the emotional tone we choose to convey that is going to have the greatest impact, good or bad.”
But, as with so much in life, the hard thing is often the best thing. After 20 years of research, Dr. Bradbury believes that ultimately the best interpersonal strategy is to take the long view and to care for yourself by taking care of someone else. So when you are having a bad day and you close off emotionally or you poise for attack—yes, that is a natural response, but it can be very costly. If you are feeling this way, chances are your partner is feeling this way too. Ask yourself if you are more likely to get what you really need by lashing out or by reaching out. In the complex dance of intimacy, giving needs to be prioritized over getting—that is the hallmark of a true partnership.
Dr. Bradbury is a member of the Scientific Advisory Board at eHarmony. In the next issue, we explore how to dial down the stress in your marriage with great practical tips from Dr. Bradbury.
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Loading …Tags: Communication, Conflict, For Men, For Women, Sex and Romance
66 Responses to “How Couples Become Unhappy”
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What a wonderful reminder about healthy communication. So many times my husband tell’s me that it isn’t what I necessarily say, but the tone of my voice that can be so hurtful. I so many times tense up and become defensive if I feel threatened and that makes the argument ten times worse than if I were to be open to having a calm discussion. I tend to make so many excuses as to why I don’t commmunicate well, why I’m not affectionante, why I’m in a bad mood, instead of just admitting that part of the reason is I choose to be this way and I can choose to be an excellent communicator, extremely affectionate, and in good mood. I am going to continue to ask God for supernatural strenght and knowledge to know when I’m behaving wrong and to quickly turn around my actions into positive reactions. Thank you for this article!!
Julie
Communication, what a key. We are getting ready to do a home marriage course and I know
so much of the success is going to be the communication. God help us! We want a marriage that can glorify Him. I agree, it’s not usually what is said but how it is said. You begin to feel unsafe sharing you heart. Thank you for the reminders! Blessings! Deb
My marriage has been really shakey. I think I am not happy anymore mostly because of my husband’s behavior towards me. He is and has been very critical and sarcastic. We have been to marriage counseling, but we can never seem to agree on anything. The only proble is we have children which we both adore.
I think this article really says it all. I know this being the case with my marriage. Unfortuneatley for me my husband has moved into his own place. I wish he could understand . I don’t know if its too late for us or not. I wish I had read this article a long time ago.
This is a good article. My problem is my husband is a work alcoholic. He is never home, 1hr for supper, back to work for the whole evening. He does have time for his workers age 16 to 21. He will drop everything for them. He has been this way 48 yrs. Now my kids are noticing this. I have only gotten this long because of the Love of God. I just to the pioint I want some to put his arm around me and do things together with. I am 72, guess it could be to late. Many things have happen in my life to start over. Thank you for letting me tell you this. Thank Heaven I have the Lord.
Please let me know what you think
The information in this article would have been useful to me not long ago…before I couldn’t take my husband’s verbal abuse, etc. any longer. I understand and am sorry that I often had a defensive (crummy) tone of voice and could not communicate well. Much of my fear to speak openly and be myself was due to intimidation and feeling unsafe in our marriage because of how my husband would grow impatient with me for various reasons. As a result, being under a lot of stress brings unwanted, unnecessary, and unexpected consequences. Having full and loving support during the toughest times would have been a blessing for both of us, however we often had differing perspectives and expectations of one another or our future. It is too late at this point to reconcile, yet I miss him terribly (regardless of how bad things got) and wish our life together had taken a more spiritual, more supportive, happier route. God Bless both of us…..
Even dogs respond to the master’s tone of voice. I love cheerful voices. May God help me keep my voice sweet. It is so easy to get defensive.
Communication is very important!! It is one of the key’s to a successful marriage. It is sometimes hard to understand the other person’s veiw. In a second marriage, it is harder for the couple when their children come into play. Children from other marriages, I mean. This isn’t your child, it’s the other person’s child, so they don’t feel as you feel. Your children are more important, and it’s hard for that person to see or understand your view. You just have to try to see each others veiw and try to come to an agreement on the situation.
I think men only care about one thing. THEMSELVES !!!
As with all things, both parties must be receptive to the communication concept. Also, understand that each person has his or her own way of communicating.
Aftrer 10 years of marriage, we are at the end of the road. He says that he is through! But the funny part of it all, every since he has decided to call it quits we have been communication BETTER now than in the past 10 years…ain’t that a blip…
In the beginning I tried to communicate with my husband in a safe adult manner and let him know that certain behaviors (of his) made me feel unloved and disrespected. He would always say he would change that behavior, but never did. After countless times of trying to communicate with him as an adult, I finally lost it and began threatening and yelling. It was the last attempt to try to get him to understand before making the decision that we have to part ways. We also went through counseling and he displayed the same passive-aggressive behavior during counseling. What more could I have done?
One of my friends gave me this thought to help me build new communication patterns:
Overcome the troubled Cs with the 3 As:
Criticism is overcome by appreciation: Instead of criticizing, I show my appreciation.
Complaint is overcome by acceptance: Instead of complaining, I accept differences.
Contempt/Condemnation is overcome by assertiveness: Instead of building up resentments, criticizing or complaining, I will respectfully ASK for what I need and will expect a respectful response.
It has helped me and I offer it to you.
Keep your chin up Donna. I don’t think it is too late for you and your husband. I think men tend to have less emotional attachment to their physical surroundings as a rule and are therefore quicker to move into their own space. Just go to the door and humbly knock…it will at least open.
When do you know when enough is enough? When is it not okay anymore? I suppose it’s all good in theory, but when both people don’t give equally, nothing will ever change.
MEN! Has anyone had the problem with their husband that doesn’t like the things you do for your aging Mother? He thinks your siblings should pitch in and do more. One, my sister lives in TX, and two, my brother is a male, and they don’t do things like a daughter does. (at least not in my family). So, here I am. I’m the one! I don’t mind doing whatever needs to be done, but he has a fit! Because I’M the one doing everything. He just needs to pitch in and help me with it himself, which he does at times. But, we can really get into so nasty fights, and arguements over this! I don’t get it. I’m NOT going to turn my back on my Mother, to wait for my sisblings to come do it. I’m right here by her. What’s wrong with him?! Any suggestions? We’ve been married for 41 years. That’s a long time. He loves my Mother and she loves him. She doesn’t (nor will she) know how he feels about this.
I believe its true that you have to learn to give more of yourself and the other person should feed off of your behavior. But at times it seems pointless when your spouse doesn’t do the same. After a while, it gets old and you seek attention from someone else.
This is dead-on correct, in my view. In reality, there are so few issues that are life-and-death yet we can each become so defensive of our own position that an observer would marvel at our tenacity over something so trivial.
One former baseball player, Tug McGraw was quoted as saying of his ability to maintain an easygoing, worry-free manner, “I have The Frozen Snowball Theory. In 50,000 years when the Earth is a big frozen snowball, will this issue still matter?”
Certainly there are things that do matter in the here-and-now but so much is just extracurricular stuff that isn’t worth battling about, and if we feel compelled to verbally wrestle over something, let’s keep a good attitude about it. Have discussions in a calm, non-threatening environment. One friend I know discusses things over tea and toast. Another couple finds that taking a walk while holding hands helps the conversation to flow more easily and in a more positive manner.
Find out what works for you, but staying calm and physical contact are vital, I would say. Remember that when you feel like you are in a tug o’ war, it is the problem you are pulling against, not your partner. Keep each other on the same end of the rope, and work to conquer the problem, not to defeat your spouse. What does that get you but a disgruntled and defeated partner.
Tone of voice is also key. Even dogs know that. You can say, “Come here, buddy,” or “I ought to slug you right in the head,” and if the former sounds threatening and the latter is pleasant and inviting, he’ll respond to the second line while recoiling and retreating from the first one.
Be pleasant in your tone of voice, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and remember, though it’s a long shot, that you might actually be wrong this time. Shocking, I know.
Good article that echoes what I have been saying for years.
I read your artlcle this evening on “How Couples Become Unhappy”. I am in a marriage that I never
could have imagined. I am a very good communicator and my husband makes no effort at all. He
is the cruelest, meanest, most arrogant and dominating person I have ever known. He says things
to me and about other people that I would never imagine a human being could think, much less
say. His mouth is a cesspool. If you choose to, you can ruin a marriage with your tongue, the Bible
says so. The entire Book of James is devoted to the tongue and our behaviour. The mouth only
carries out what is in the heart. I am devastated at the condition of MY marriage. It makes me
sick that a relationship I wanted so badly and one that I have worked so hard on, is so pitiful and
frightening. I probably won’t be able to stay much longer, he has cut me off from the family
finances, (he closed our joint bank account and re-opened it in HIS name only) and now is threat-
ening to take my car from me. I just wish that instead of all the talk, and articles (as much as it is
needed) that people would get involved in each other’s marriages, be willing to confront and hold
men accountable when the abuse women……the wisdom of the day, is for the WOMAN to LEAVE,
the one usually least capable of fending for herself, go live in a shelter, most men would never
do, and then make the way for herelf that GOD never intended her to make…..mostly no one
cares,…..and it all starts with the tongue and the way in which a person communicates or refuses
to destroys marriages and people’s lives. It’s never too late, but no one will help.
I have found that men do not grow the needed attachment to their wives in many cases due to the fact that the wife seldom creates a safe communicable enviroment for their husband to release his feeling without the backlash of feeling less manly in his spouses eyes. During a routine dispute, he is loud talked, told what his role in the relationship should be and more destructively told that he is not meeting that role to her expectations. Therefore, the husband resolves the argument either with some form of physical retaliation
(physical abuse, cheating, or drinking, etc.). I am saying that every frustration a man has is because of his wife or girlfriend, but the support he recieves from his significant other plays a vital role in his process of “getting better or bitter.”
We have all these programs designed for abused women and children, but the only programs we have for men are rehabilation programs to assist them after they have vented their anger and frustration in a negative manner.
I have designed a national program to assist men throughout the country to help them have a safe place to vent their secret frustrations without acting out in a negative manner. Because “most” men who are not allowed to communicate their feelings end up doing things that they later regret and still never resolve the original reason for which they were frustrated in the first place. If we want better marriages, we must address the leader of the home which in “most” cases the husband.
If anyone is interested in hearing about my program please send me an email and I will quickly touch bases with you about the details.
To Victoria
LEAVE!!!!! Even if it is for a while. The Bible says it is okay to leave for a season. If it ends in divorce, you are forgiven…that’s why Jesus died – to forgive our sins. I was in a horrible marriage and stayed way too long. I prayed, the church prayed, it just got to the point I was blessed to be alive and knew I had to get out. What is the worst part is that my children knew A LOT more than I realized. My oldest was affected so negatively it has really taken so much to “fix” the hurt. The Bible commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. If you are being abused he has broken his vows and you need to get out. If children are involved, make sure you bring them to safety even if you stay. God bless and it DOES get better!
I have found that men do not grow the needed attachment to their wives in many cases due to the fact that the wife seldom understand her husband’s need for her verbal approval. During a routine dispute he is loud talked, told what a real man is or what his role in the relationship should be, and more destructively. he is told that he is not meeting that role to her expectations. Therefore, the husband resolves the argument either by being silent (internalizing his pain), or by physical retaliation (finding another person to validate his through extra-marital relationships, physical abuse, or drugs and alcohol, etc.). I am not saying that every frustration a man has is because of his wife or girlfriend, but the support he receives from his significant other plays a vital role in his process of “getting better or bitter.” In the Bible Proverb chapter 31:11 “The heart of her husband dothe safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil(king James Version). The same verse in the New Living Translation says ” Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life”. Once your husband feels approved and respected by you his significant other, there is no limit to his potential in trying to please his you.
We have all these programs designed for abused women and children, but the only programs we have for men who are the perpetuators of the crimes is rehab programs designed to help him understand what he did and why he shouldn’t do it again.
Our team has designed a national program which will assist men all over the nation to have a safe place to vent their “SECRET FRUSTRATIONS” without acting out in a negative mannner. If we want better marriages , we must address the leader of the home which in “most” marriage cases is the husband. If you want a well maintain company, it always starts with the leadership.
If anyone is interested in hearing more about our program, please send us an e-mail and we will quickly get in contact with you about the details.
thank you
I think you should make sure you leave your husband a long heartfelt letter before you leave him this week end ( I am giving you a goal date to get out). The letter needs to be you comunicating exactlt how you felt the first day you met, knew you loved him, the day you married, remind him of all the good emotions he gave you. Then start writing detailson how his comments and actions effected you. Go deep write about your humilation and hate you grew to have at him as well as yourself cause you can’t belive your marriage is this way. There may still be hope. You know the bible so I am guessing he does to so your can remind him about swallowing pride and facing humilty. I feel if he don’t feel humilty that his wife his other half is dieing inside then maybe there is no love. I feel for you and wwish you the best. Always be careful your special too.
I think there is also something called the 5 love languages that as people in relationships we need to understand. In my opinion, most relationships break up because of a difference of opinion. The dilema is, if it is one spauce feeling they are not loved enough (according to her love language) and the other spause feeling unapreciated because he is loving her with all he has (acording to his love language) and the fact is they each have a different love language. Many times I feel this causes couples to feel unappreciated and not even knowing what caused the break-up. Until we understand that loving someone means expressing it the way they feel loved as opposed to the way we feel we should love them, we will always have challanges between 2 people who love each other deeply but love each other differently….
Interesting to read everyones comments. I liked best the one that said, “Men, they are just selfish.” Sorry guys but it is about 90% true.
when my husband wont engage in conversation (whether over a light thing, or a hard thing) i see him as being selfish. he just doesnt want to talk so he thinks, “Why should i.”
so instead, he reads his paper as i talk, or his magazine. He will stare into space/the sky and purpossly not look at me. If i ask him what he is staring at, he’ll say, oh the siding on the house, looks like it needs work, or whatever.
this is absolutly rude! no other word for it. He does not want to engage. He rarely does. So when there is a REAL problem, our daughter’s issues, or family matters, or $, or sex, watch out because then he tries to litteraly, run away. Well walk is more like it, but he really will just get up and try to leave, without even saying a word.
I have blocked both of my arms against the doorframe to try and keep him form “escaping.”
this is rediculous. so it is not about me talking “nicely” to him. it is all about him being willing to communicate at all.
i do start out talking very nice, he ignores me, says nothing (this will usually end in a fight if it is over a problem first.)
He then will turn it all on me and say something dumb like “I did not say that,” “you are an idiot,” “this is stupid.”
my husband is well educated (book smart.) he has is MBA in business. When it comes to communicating with his wife he is so out to lunch.
I think this actually bugs him about himself. he must know he does not know how to work things out with me, and he must know that he cant converse well, even about light and brezzy stuff. Maybe he’s embarrased.
How about he goes and gets some help with this, and on his own, I wont go to marriage counseling anymore, when it really is mostly his issue.
enough said, i could go on and on and on.
amy
YOU FOLK BETTER WAKE UP! Don’t wake up 22 years later and realize your mistakes. Right on about the communication stuff. It is VERY true feelings will come out in manifestations of cheating, etc. turning felings to someone else. We all have feelings, they are to be dealt with with your MATE. If they are not they will come out in a way you will regret! Take it from me, if I;d taken care of business 25 years ago, my mate would not have turned his feelings to someone else. He needed this from me, was hurt, and lashed out in a connection with another woman. What do we want from these guys? Just treat them with love and respect and they will reciprocate! He was giving me 200 %! Marriage wise, father wise, husband wise. I treated him like a dog, am now realizing this. He has stayed with me thru thick and thin and has taken ABUSE from me, he was my doormat, I wiped my feet on him regularly, from unresolved feeling from my past. He is my rock and shield, I owe him 22 years back pay. With him that can be paid with 3 words, I LOVE YOU!How many womwn out there would want a man like mine. He’s every womans dream of the perfect man, I sometimes think I’m just now realizing this after 27 years of marraige and 3 sons. If you love them tell it and SHOW IT!
Interesting insights on what makes a marriage unhappy. I am in my 25th year of marriage and in my 4th year of decline due to my inability to accept things the way they were. Communication has always been an issue with my husband. I think the way a person is raised and how their parents communicate plays a big part in the way they will comunicate in a marriage. My divorce is scheduled for the 26th of September. I have spent my entire marraige trying to get my husband to validate my feelings and show that he does care for me. I have tried writing him letters & e-mails, and direct confrontation which usually ends in arguments. Issues are primarily about the kids and his lack of help with disciplining them. Also about a business we own. I can tell you if you do not have a good relationship as far as communication do not attempt to do a business. It has been the demise of our relationship as well as financial issues. I believe that it is not always what you say but how you say it. I have been guilty of being angry with my husband most of our marraige. It has affected our sex life because I want to make up solve the issue so that it does not happen again. He says I hold grudges and we never talk to resolve and yet I am suppose to be emotionally ready for sex. It is a shame. I tried books in the beginning of the marraige on communication and he would never read them. 3 kids and 25 years later there is not much left. What I regret the most is that the kids have never seen what a good marraige can be like. My husband does not abuse me physically or run around on me but he has been emotionally unavailable to me. Recently I tried to reconcile. Sex was the tool since that is what he claims was missing the most. His comment was “Too much, too soon”. My comment is “Too little, too late”. I don’t mean sex but the intimacy and communication which there was not much of during the sex and attempt to reconcile. I even offered to take all of the blame and accept himt he way he is. I realize now that I am not a saint and I could not do it for 25 years and will not be able too now. He was an active participate in the divorce and marriage not a spectator. I have learned that if I would have loved myself more, I would have not put up with the marraige as long as I did. I did it due to religious beliefs and the kids. If you are not happy and the man knows why and yet does nothing to help the situation, GET OUT NOW!
Amy is right on. Eveyone’s language of love is different. Some men use bartering and goodwill to show love. Perhaps that is to make up their deficit of not being able to verbally express feelings postively or negatively. I realize this after 25 years of marriage. I also realize that I need the verbal not just the bartering and goodwill. To go even deeper, there is nothing that forgiveness cannot fix. You really can learn to live with that someone that has a different love language, but be prepared to forgive them when they do not meet your expectations and I mean over and over again, not just a few times, but for a lifetime!
I have only been married for a little over 2 years and my husband and I have come to a point where we argue constantly. I express exactly what I want and need but my husband says that he is just not good at communicating and that is just how it is going to be. I dont think that is fair to shut someone out like that. He does use abrasive behavior as a means to threaten me into conforming with his way of thinking. I admit that I have my errors and defensive come backs. I just dont understand why my marriage is so bad at such an early stage. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. While we were dating we would communicate and share our feelings. I felt supported and nurtured but it all changed when we got married. It became excusable to curse at eachother and belittle one another and now I just dont see how our marriage can heal from all the scars of our fights and disrespect.
Np offenese janie but your comment sounds like brainwash or desperation on your part. Marriage can over come infidelity, but both partners are to be at blame. Not just you.
Hey Patrick where could I secertly direct my husband to your sight. Wr have been through adultry and abuse. I would like to help prevent our next episode
To Victoria, I really want to encourage you that there are a lot of people out there who care for your well-being and safety. I lived in a relationship that sounds like yours for a very long time. Things did not get that far, but we were on the edge of a brutally angry divorce 2 years ago. The Bible teaches us that we must take on our own responsibilities. Those are our thoughts, words and actions. Only you can know if you are doing that. It sounds like appropriate boundaries have been an issue for both of you. He wants to control and is jealous of any other relationships, and fear may stop you from drawing the line. That’s where it was with us.
You must reach out to someone you trust. Tell them the details you have shared here. You have described abuse by a controlling individual. A Pastor, counselor or close friend or family member can help you. He is responsible for his actions, don’t keep covering for him. This is wrong, no matter what culture you are from! If he has been physically abusive you should tell police. If you are in fear for your life it is best for you to leave. It requires faith, sacrifice and strength. God can help you with those!
I should tell you that God can change even the hardest hearts. My marriage has been in a healing process for the past two years and we are improving every day. It is nothing short of a miracle. The principles taught by the Parrotts are true and effective.
whoa Amy! Mostly his issue? Sure guys hate communicating the way women do, but how long have you actually persisted in trying to be nice about your requests? 10 minutes? 20? Suppose you tried for 6 months? No kidding…fake it if you have to…act like he is the greatest guy on the earth! Tell him how much you appreciate ANY little thing you can think of! Even if it’s just the paycheque or showing up for dinner. I’m not one to offer a challenge, but I will almost guarantee that you will see a change in him if you could commit to that. Of course, he will try the old tactics to make you angry (so he can blame you), but don’t let him. He may wonder what hit, but don’t change it. Be kind! Be generous! be Loving! Do everything without complaining! After that, if he doesn’t change a bit, you will know you have no blame in his response. Live guilt free, not because you’re ignoring your part, but because you are blameless!!!
Robin: Thanks for your suggestions that remind us that we really cannot change other persons even our husbands. We can only change ourselves and sometimes in that enlightening process other people either change or seem to change because we are thinking and acting differently.
Oh my gosh, I really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments/responses. THANKYOU all. I learned quite a bit of positive things and am going to give them all an honest try. I also discovered that I’m really not alone afterall in my verbally abusive marriage. For 19 years I have blamed myself and put myself down. I’ve never been strong enough to stand up and tell myself that I really am NOT all that my verbally abusive husband has made me out to be. It’s not that he put me down intentionally, it’s that in his own mental state (I believe he has obsessive/compulsive disorder plus an extreme lack of self esteem) his constant criticism and demands that I do and be what he thinks I should, has sent me into a long-lasting mild depression that I know now keeps getting worse each year. I have discovered through an emotional affair, that communication and mutual respect really DO make a difference. I know I am wrong for having drifted into this emotional affair, but thankfully it has not been discovered by, nor hurt the other marriage, only mine. And while I am truly sorry for having hurt my own spouse, I am wondering if this has happened for a reason and will we be able to go from here and somehow heal our marriage? For I do love him and still want to try whatever it is I can to save us.
An honest look at abuse from an abuser! Yes an abuser, and I admit what I have done to my partner was abuse; emotionally, physically and sexually. I am filled with regret and remorse and will continue to work to repair the damage to her I have wrought. It will take years to heal the hurts and my patience has been and will be tested. I LOVE MY WIFE and she is deserving and worth of every ounce of effort and more that I can give. We still have our problems, but open, honest, caring and compassionate (this is still a challenge for me) communication has helped us. Married for nearly 19 years we struggle. I thought that an abusive husband beat his wife. When I learned that a husband that breaks things or punches the walls and uses intimidation is PHYSICALLY ABUSING his wife, I was shocked. So I learned more, shutting her out of my emotions is emotionally abuse … I could go on but you get the picture. Since my wife LOVES me she got me some help, and I will be grateful to her the rest of my life.
Yes I have been through the batterer’s intervention program. I went as a volunteer at the request of my partner. The program opened my eyes to what abuse really is and I must speak out against it to any male I see or know of that is abusive.
All abuse stems from Power and Control. Male dominance and the need for power and control are instilled in the male from birth by our society and only a rebellion by men who respect and value women as an equal will stop it.
Marriage is a partnership and to say that leadership belongs to the male is unacceptable to me. A true partnership involves decisions and leadership by consensus. To have secret frustrations is not being open and honest with your partner. Not being open and honest with your partner is abuse, a very subtle emotional abuse that is used to maintain power and control.
Not talking to your partner about your emotions, thoughts, views and concerns and not listening to hers is abuse, it the same as not being open and honest.
Saying that I was not taught to talk about emotions or men don’t talk about their feelings is blaming someone else. It is men not taking responsibility for their actions and admitting their mistakes and failings. (Yes it is hard to do but is necessary for growth and healing.) If you have trouble talking about your emotions (I do and still do and I work on it every day) GET SOME HELP! There are 1000’s of books and councilors that can help.
Be a responsible male and learn how to communicate with your partner about her feelings and YOUR feelings. Wake up men you have to be emotionally available for your wife, if you are not there for her emotionally then you are emotionally abusing her. Ladies believe me when I say this is the most challenging idea for the greater majority of men. Our families and our society does not teach this to males (i.e. boys don’t cry, crying is for sissies, never let them see you sweat… and on and on …) so we must learn this and it is a hard item to learn, and to unlearn what we grew up learning.
It is a man’s responsibility to learn it though, and it is the responsibility of all men to support and hold accountable other men to learn to be emotionally available for your partner and to RESPECT WOMEN.
All comments are interesting and I thank everyone for sharing their thoughts – many are encouraging. I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I should say also physically abusive as he has hurt me twice. We dated 1.5 yrs. One week after getting married, I found out that he was heavily into porn (I say addicted). Things have spiraled downhill ever since then over the past 2 years. What I get from him are lies and deception. He is emotionally unavailable, has isolated himself from friends and isolated us from any common friendships. I have done everything I can to be calm and loving and safe to talk to. He does “not believe in getting help.” He says if we “could just get along” he would be ok. But he is always angry. Anything sets him off and if I don’t respond in the way he thinks I should (sadly I can’t read his mind) he turns on me. He blames me for all of it and takes no responsibility. I know I’m repeating things I’ve already read but my question is – how can I continue to love him and be calm and show respect when he refuses to get help and blames the world? This is my second marriage and we both agreed to be fully committed to this relationship no matter what. I am, but he says he needs someone that is more like him where “things are natural and we get along.” I feel he would find the same thing in his next relationship. Relationships don’t come ‘naturally’ because we are all self-centered. I am as well but I work hard to recognize it as much as possible. I am working on myself staying involved with church, my friends, my family so that I can be held accountable for what I do. I make time for us as well but he says we live in the same house so that’s our time. I have a very high sex drive but he’s always so emotionally wrapped up he says he can’t do it. But he will spend hours on the computer/TV with porn. I know he has to have the heart to get better but what do I do in the interim? I wish to remain faithful in my marriage. I show compassion for all of his miseries but he is always pushing me away. He says he’s tough and I’m just a softy. If I’m soft because I love him and try to support and encourage him (he HATES those words) then so be it.
Sarah you are in an abusive relationship, you need to protect yourself and get to a shelter. If he is violent in any way call the police. You can find a shelter in the phone book or online. Sarah, he will hurt you again and it will only escalate. It is how abuse progresses. An abuser (I was one) will use a control tactic until it stops working then escalate to the next and next … I only broke funiture and dishes when yelling and intimidation stopped working. He needs professioonal help, like I did and do. I woke up when my wife went to the local shelter and got information and help for her and for me. Her going to the shelter was a shock to me… it may wkae him up. If he is so addicted to porn that he has problems then he need a professional. Sarah he will only change if he really wants to, no one can make him change. He needs to see he is abusive for himself. It was personally and emotionaly devastating to me when I realized I was an abusive husband, but it motivated me to change and to learn to be a better husband. Sarah, going to the shelter for your one safety may turn out to be an act of kindness and actually help him.
thanks for the articule,I didnt trust my husband and that mas very sad, so I decided to trust my self,and be my own safety.I treat my self right,and value my life.
Im separated now and have hope…however I feel emotionally exhausted that I remained 21 years.I dont feel like dateting, dont want to end up with the guy these woman are dumping.
I have been very naive,end up not in a happy place.Religious aproches I dont like they seem to keep you stuck in the same place.I choose to be responsible for my self.
And yes I have forgiven after all he was the one that heart him self in the first place I suffer the consecuences of being next to him,I feel very compasionate but I can not commpromise my life because I count too.
As I resd other letters I ask.Why do we insist in woking somebody elses addictions.I dont think this is loving our selves.
After 14 yrs of marriage and almost 10 of that celibate, I’m at the end of my rope. You see the problem is bad, physically I mean for my husband Mark. He has severe erectile disfunction and has chosen not to do anything more about it but ignore the problem and take it out on me. There are a few more alternative methods to try to explore. NO matter how much I try or when I try to suggest ideas he immediately becomes defensive, angry or extremely verbally abusive. He continually states that I don’t help him and I don’t understand how he feels and blames me for all his problems. His favorite expression now is “Who would be attracted to someone like you who constantly nags all the time and is never happy unless she’s nagging” Talk about being fustrated, I certainly know what that word means. Maybe I’m wrong but I believe a person needs to want to help himself first, not for anyone else but for himself first. I have told him this and told him I would be there all along the way (I think 10 yrs celibate proves this) but he has to want to help himself first and stop blaming anyone else (his wife!)first. I did found out recently that his dad had this same problem at the age of 29 and never did a thing to correct it. My mother in law confided this to me recently and she chose to stay in this marriage for another 45 years!!! I need to get help soon or get out, help!!! Any suggestions????
Patrick,
Please send me information on the program (for men) that you mentioned. Thank you and God bless you.
With no affection from the wife it is difficult to sustain
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU TALK SOFT FOR YEARS A COMPAULSIVE LIER IS NOTHING BUT A COMPAULSIVE LIER.
Thanks George. Odd… I woke up feeling the need to separate myself from this relationship – something I haven’t felt before. I read your response and it seems to confirm what I think I should do. Others have told me that as well but since I wasn’t hurt but a couple of times it seemed a bit radical to leave. I want to do what will help him also and sticking around, which seems to enable his behavior, doesn’t seem smart any more. Especially when it’s all on his terms which are: ‘just try to get along’, can’t talk about our relationship, can’t get help, can’t share with anyone else (but I do). That is wrong and I see it as no solution – just a way that he gets to avoid the truth.
It is sooo easy for a husband to believe that if he has supported the family, never cheated, or stayed out all night drinking and running around, this is what makes a good husband and a happy marriage. WRONG!!! Not to belittle these qualities, they ARE good qualities; but these qualities do not look at a sunset with his wife, walk down an evening road with her, take her by the hand as they walk through a store, make her day with a simple, “you look nice”, hold her heaving body as she cries out her heart over one of the children, stoop to kiss her before she’s wheeled into surgery. These are only a Few of the things that are missing in this philosphy! Most women I know are STARVING for companionship! STARVING for communication (someone to talk to). Marriages could be sooo much more happy and fulfilling if husbands and wives could be “best friends”!!!!!!!!!
reading all of these responses is helpful for me. I am married for the second time to a man that I knew since High School, more than 30 years ago. We both have our own children that we brought to our marriage. It has been so very difficult, both being different in our discipline techniques.
Our communication is non existant. I actually rehearse ahead of time any issues that may be coming up, or bothering me. His responses are usually folding of arms, looks of disgust and asking me now what is the problem. He will also watch TV, not respond, ask me if I have something else to do besides bother him etc. I am at the end of my rope, also.
He will usually yell his wrath, and I feel that he thinks if he yells loud enough I wont come back.If we have an arguement, he will not talk to me for an extended period of time. I am the one that has to initiate an apology in order to create some sort of harmony in the house again. I hate the way he disciplines my children, and have asked him to allow me to do it. His kids moved out. He thinks I am ruining my kids and he rules the roost with rediculous requests. I dont know what else to do. A therapist told me to leave for a while. to gain some self esteem back.
the bottom line is that for some reason, I dont want my marriage to end. But at the same time, I dont understand it since he is such a mean man, unwilling to change, and will tell you that he is not changing because he likes himself.
I dont know what to do?????
Reply to Jessica’s comments about how each person has their own love language.
How very true.
I agree that loving someone means you will love them in the way that makes them happy whether you agree with it or feel the same way or not.
I have always loved jewellry and was very clear in asking for items for Christmas or birthdays when I was asked what I would like. But I never got any as he always thought jewellry was a waste of money. It left me feeling unwanted, unloved and just not understanding why something so easy was ignored because of how he felt. I don’t think this falls under being selfish but men just seem to have a hard time getting how something that they don’t get excited over, can make anyone happy and therefore they ignore our requests.
My husband and I have seemed to have problems since we first met 5 years ago, but I fell in love with him instantly. This past year has been a difficult one…I’ve had two miscarriages and I think my husbands seeing people on the side. I’ve seen text messages from other girls and ones that he has sent to them including exchanging pictures he has a myspace page with pictures of himself and he’s labeled as single, but I always give him the benefit of the doubt and tell myself it’s just harmless flirting. When I confront him about he always has some excuse usually saying the pictures or messages where meant for a friend (I guess he thinks I’m stupid) But I always try to be the good little wife and tell myself that if I just keep doing everything they way he wants and keep my mouth shut and stay positive then he will have to realize what a good person, wife and mother I am. the other thing is if I ever try to talk to him about something that is bothering me that he has done (I never come out and accuse him I’m very careful most of the time how I say things) but some how it always gets turned around and by the time we’re done I’m the one crying and apologizing. I have no intentions on giving up on my husband or my marriage but does anyone have any positive advice. I love him so much and we have a beautiful child together and I know we could be happy if he would just admit to what he’s doing and then commit himself to me. I’m a pretty easy going person maybe that’s the problem but if I ever try to stand up for myself he tells me that’s the way it is and if I have a problem with it then I can just leave and he’s keeping our child. I don’t want to live with out my husband but to have my child taken away too; I can’t even think about it. I’m sure I’m making it sound worse then it is, but please does anyone have encouraging advice?
This article really resonates with me. I would hint at things, but not talk about them, and my husband loved to avoid and deflect any discussion that would lead to change…or else he’d call it “my problem” so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. It almost ended us. Now, when I feel like closing off because of stress, I reach out and talk to him. And he tries to listen without being overly defensive. It seems to be working.
I read this article! YAY. Great advice.
Then I read the replies, and cried.
Next I went and popped on a sexy neglige so that I can rest assured that this evening my darling hubby and I shall have NO communication break downs.
I can see EXACTLY what my husband thinks, AND it works without fail. Thank the Lord.
May he bless you all.
My husband and I were married almost 20 years ago, after I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. From the diagnosis through my surgery, and a two-week stay in the hospital due to complications, he was my rock and a total blessing. It was when the process of adjusting to the thyroid replacement hormones began that our troubles did, too. I was on a hormone-induced emotional roller coaster ride, just getting dosages right when it was time to go off the medication again for another radioactive-iodine total body scan. I was blamed for being so emotional while there truly was nothing I could do about it. Consequently, my husband never had a consistent, safe environment in his marriage to retreat to. He started going out after work and not telling me where he was or when he’d be home, and I would be worried sick, and then furious at his total disregard for my feelings when he showed up home. This may have only happened a few times, but it still eroded my trust in him not to intentionally hurt me. And we have never recovered from that period in time; too many patterns developed (passive-aggressiveness and withholding sex and affection for him; a lack of faith in him and nastiness and disrespect from me) to the point where my husband was simply incapable of hearing a nice tone of voice from me: no matter what I said or did, he saw it in a negative way. A couple of years into our marriage, I had an “emotional affair” with a co-worker (which started by the two of us comparing our spouses’ lack of support or affection), which I broke off after a few months when it started heading into a physical affair. A decade later, several months after 9/11, the “other man” tracked me down, saying that life was too short to disregard the good things in it, and I was one of those good things. We e-mailed and met for lunch a few times, and my husband caught me in a web of lies. I cut off everything, and (unrelated) we moved to a different state. On one occasion, when I was furious with my husband about a family issue, I dialed the other man’s cell phone number, and hung up when it actually rang. My husband found out, and his trust in me nosedived again. Two years later, we are still in some kind of a stalemate, and both of us are too hurt and angry to try anymore. I do not know to untangle such a big long-term mess.
It so surprises me that so many responses SO miss the point being made here. I hear a deafening chorus of self pity and “I try to tell himwhat to do, but he won’t change”. Now I am not saying there may be some genuine total jerks out there, but so many of these comments reflect self fullfilling repetitive investments in what is not working. As a perfect example “I have been guilty of being angry with my husband most of our marraige”. Do you think the anger is not obvious to your spouse? Even saying something “kindly” when you are really angry won’t cover your hostility, and the guy can’t feel safe talking to you if he feels that anger. Most of the time that anger brings with it some implied threat, like “I will leave or spend more time with my family if you don’t do…”. And passive submissiveness does not make the guy feel appreciated, just TOLERATED, which is pretty frightening to most guys.
Suppose you want to go dancing. Have you ever tried asking the guy to go fishing (or what ever his real passion might be) and spending that time affirming what it is that made you find him attractive in the first place. You did not get married because you thought he was a disrepectful oaf. But if you constantly remind him of how unfullfilling he makes you feel, you will probably only get more of the same. Instead, try making a concerted effort to find things you really like about the other person. Even if the first things are trivial, be appreciative of those qualities. Stay focused on what he is doing RIGHT!! Most men really aren’t self absorbed any more than women, they just demonstrate their contribution to the relationship in a different way. They want to provide and protect the spouse, and make her life happy. If all they hear is how they are failing to accomplish those things, they will seek to get lost in work or golf or lawn or….., just like you retreat to friends and family. Make him feel appreciated, admired, and wanted and see how much that changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. Stop focusing on what “I am not getting” instead what “I am getting that is rewarding” and the mate will respond to that focus in most circumstances. He won’t respond well to a lecture on what he is doing wrong. We don’t learn from what we do wrong, we learn from what we do RIGHT! Being critical RARELY makes the person feel like change. building his self esteem and feeling of worth to you will make him want to be even more close and engaged. That is what he liked when you were courting, you appreciated something about him. Now if you only point out how much you loath him, he won’t ever engage. and the relationship will diverge ever wider.
Great article Doc. Excellent platform to read feelings from both genders. We’ve been hanging on by our fingertips for nearly 10 years, both of us on our 3rd marriage. Heh, I thought I would be married once to the woman of my dreams and live happily ever after. Was it my folks model? My inner child confusion? My male arrogance? My picker being broke? Or a series of incidences that form the backdrop for personal and spiritual growth. The good book says that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle without giving us a way of escape” and in another place we are instructed that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
My wife and I have been separated for 5-6 weeks “this time.” This time she asked for the separation. The prior 3 times I did. One time I actually filed the papers. It was only God’s grace and intervention that curbed that attempt. You see, I thought my wife was really really unhappy with me. I make her angry, I don’t seem to meet her emotional and relational needs, I work too much, I am all smiles and gracious and kind with everyone but her. I used to sing in my church choir and she would say, what a hippocrit, you get up there and act all holy and you treat me like ___. Some of this is true, some of it is perspective (knowing there is always 2 sides to stories).
We’ve been to Ken Nair’s Life Partners. Attended class every monday night for 1 1/2 years, we’ve been to Emmerson Eggerich’s “Love and Respect” conference and even facilitated classes in our home with the 10-12 week study course. We’ve been to secular and religous counseling and even taken an Alaskan cruise with a marriage conference. For some mysterious reason that is beyond my comprehension; all have been valuable tools; all we have failed to glean the message.
God blessed our finances for a season, now He seems to be rearranging the furniture. The 7 years of plenty and the 7 years of drought seem to be upon us. We are at each others throats (verbally, emotionally and on a heart level and it makes me cry. I ask why?
Here’s what I reckon. I fail to meet my wife’s need for love. I stir her pot. I get under her emotional skin. I think I am trying my best to meet her needs. I am wrong. She is now so confused she doesn’t know what her needs are. She is starving for companionship but pushes me away and holds onto past hurts and wrongs. They tell me that this is what women do. As a guy, I can be wrong, I can say I am sorry and really mean it. I can be clueless and from what I see most of us guys are. I talk too much and don’t know how to listen to my wife. Women seem to be able to take a conversation in 10 directions at once. I am a pretty smart guy but I get lost after the first change in direction. Complete one thought at a time with a guy is really helpful. But there is a rub – I get really resistant and get my back up when my wife dishonors me. I don’t think most women know what dishonors a guy. My wife doesn’t understand that challenging my manhood really doesn’t advance her cause.
I might be old fashioned but apple pie and a squeeze on my arm or a back rub would further her cause a whole lot more. As a guy I don’t handle emotional turmoil very well. I will venture a guess that this is true for most guys. It takes me literally days to recover from an emotional feud with my wife. It really tears me down, messes with my ability to provide for her and undermines my sense of self confidence. Yes that male ego thing. Most women don’t understand the vulnerability of men. Oh sure we are rough and tough and filled with bravado, will lay down our lives for you women, gladly mind you; its actually a code of conduct we signed up for at birth. But take away our male dignity, dishonor us and we are aweful to live with. Honest. Ask my wife. We don’t mean to be. We are like a caged tiger. One guy says it like standing on our air hose. So how the heck does a guy do the loving thing that Paul commands us to do and love my wife as Christ loves the Church? when you can’t breath? Let me tell you, pride is the biggest hurdle I face. After pride it is woundedness. Maybe woundedness is first, I just know that pain, shame, social norms and male bravado require the love of an respectful wife. It can turn the biggest ooff of a man. And I know it is really hard for my wife to love me when I am starving her of the love she needs to put fuel in her tank. I’m telling you it is an impasse. We face a common enemy but we don’t often see him. We practise different spiritual beliefs; I’m Christian, she is New Age. I was but the Holy Spirit called me home to my roots. Anyway, the devil stands between us very often and we are too spiritually and emotionally immature to see the truth of the circumstance and call his bluff. Our story isn’t over. I love my wife. I know she loves me. We have absolutely nothing in common as I write this reply; save my step son and our 2 dogs. Nevertheless this I know, God is faithful to complete a work that He has started in us and I am called to press on. She is getting counseling and attending anger management classes. I am unmasking the sublety of male depression which may be underlying my emotional unavailability with my wife. We men are supposed to be tough, nothing is supposed to phase us – poppy cock. Women, your men are vulnerable. Take care not to test it to the max. You may look to honor him even though his behavior doesn’t seem to deserve it. A wise counselor says that your honor will convict him to start loving you. Thanks for listening. All of your comments have helped me process my circumstance. I hope this helps one of you. John 15:12-17.
April. your husband is holding you emotionally hostage to his blind behavior. Call his bluff. Take your child and move in with your mom for a season. He may find it tough to get custody if you are a good mom. Do it lovingly and firmly. If he is having an emotional or physical affair, you need to challenge his behavior. He sounds like he is ready for a wake up call and your strongest alarm bell is assertive loving action. Ask a counselor for guidelines to measure the progress.
I married my best friend and I’m still married to my best friend. I suggest to all that instead of looking for help elsewhere (religion) that you look at yourself and this other person and if he/she is not your best friend then you need to make that decision to spend the rest of your life alone.
I liked Bob’s reply which seemed to be directed at Karen’s reply. If only Karen’s husband could have verbalized the things that Bob did, perhaps they would not be getting a divorce. Communication and appreciation seems to be the key to a lasting relationship.
This reply is to Bob. You sound like the same kind of guy that Karen was married to. You have a deaf ear to her needs so how can she appreciate you?
Thanks John but I think Bob is right about some things. Appreciation is something that men need and in the end of my marriage I guess I failed in that area. But he did too. It is a shame because we still love each other. This is my final comment and for all of you folks out there that can relate to the above comments, remember appreciation and communication is the key.
I think I need someone to tell me: am I still being stupid? We were sex-less for 20 years, starting before we were married, but I loved and respected her and married her anyway. Inside 6 months I was feeling confused and rejected, and every few months sank to shouting my pain, for a few years. That didn’t help so I stopped shouting and she promptly forgot what I wanted, and bit-by-bit I spent 20 years wondering why-the-hell I’m still here, feeling unwanted and therefore tempted to conclude I’m merely being used, except that there are also many good things about her that I know are rare and valuable, especially all together, and we do enjoy each other in some ways. Meanwhile we had kids, conceived by decision rather than desire, me thinking I’m being used for a convenient sperm donor. A couple of years ago my simmering pain reached the point of relentless anger and then depression, and it dawned on me that we would all be better off if I left. She finally finally read a book that I had put next to her bed and shouted at her to read, it had lain unopened for a whole year. Since then she’s been “accommodating” me, manually, and she says she loves me, but expecting her to initiate hugs or kisses or sex is like asking her to constantly think of something irrelevant, and I’m still feeling like, “if I have to drag it out of her, what’s the point,” unwanted. She says she never understood how important affection is to make me feel wanted, I cannot fathom how she could not know. She says she loves me but never had any interest in sex, which I can imagine but not on this planet. Conversely it now comes out that she feels she can’t have an interesting conversation with me because I’m a specialist about a few things, she’s a lite browser of many things; I want a lover, she wants chats; she also can’t imagine my lack-of-need to shoot the breeze with lots of people-I’ll-never-see-again about irrelevancies. I figure I can work on the conversation but she can’t manufacture a sex drive she’s never had. After taking 20 years to conclude I can’t live with having my needs totally ignored (which I bitterly regret), how many more should I spend to be real sure that I will NEVER feel wanted by her? Or should I settle for that? I don’t want to cheat (and I don’t think she’s cheated either), I just want to feel wanted before I die.
The topics covered by your different couples and are very eye opening, inspiring and lesson giver and I have also been in similar situaation in my married life of 25 years and haave come out of all my problems with reading books ofn follow your heart, art of living, \the quran, prayers, feng shui , psychic healing and whaat not that ultimatelly my life is moving on and my childrens. when I have the time, i shall write in detail about my life challenges and how I have gone through them with courage and positive attitude that now I have become the role model and a problem solver for all round me.
hi i’m much greateful for all the advise i have and happy to be part of eharmony thanks and continue with your good work.
After reading all the comments, I am struck by the venting tone of most of them. I hear alot of self-victimization and self-vindication, pride, anger, desperation, sadness and pain. With all these and more invading our marriages is it any wonder that they are in trouble? Without trying to solve all the problems, there is one thing I know. A positive, healthy marriage can only be built with positive, healthy bricks. It is what it is. After taking an honest look at the state of the marriage, are you committed to the vows you took or not? You may have to make the effort alone. You may have to let go of offenses. You may have to stand up for yourself in assertive ways (not aggressive, or passive aggressive) like you have not done before. Or you may have to act in humility where you would have responded otherwise in the past. It may be very difficult, probably will, but it could be worth it. You decide. Then act. You must focus on success. You will never reach a goal with a divided mind. If you are a believer, realize God has every resource at your disposal. Avail yourself of them. With God, nothing is impossible. If you are not a beliver, you can still do everything in your power to be the person of integrity you can admire when you look back on these years. If you don’t know what to do, or how to do it, get help, instruction, tools. Be proactive. Be positive. Refuse to dwell in the pain of the past or take on offense from today. Some marriages will still fail but yours could be the one that succeeds. God bless you and give you favor and strength as you do the work.
Dear Mystery Man: I am not sure how old you are, but before you die don’t you want to have a normal relationship? What is keeping you there?