Comments on: How Couples Become Unhappy

By: karen

karen — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:26:56 +0000

Dear Mystery Man: I am not sure how old you are, but before you die don’t you want to have a normal relationship? What is keeping you there?

By: Sam

Sam — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 13:56:39 +0000

After reading all the comments, I am struck by the venting tone of most of them. I hear alot of self-victimization and self-vindication, pride, anger, desperation, sadness and pain. With all these and more invading our marriages is it any wonder that they are in trouble? Without trying to solve all the problems, there is one thing I know. A positive, healthy marriage can only be built with positive, healthy bricks. It is what it is. After taking an honest look at the state of the marriage, are you committed to the vows you took or not? You may have to make the effort alone. You may have to let go of offenses. You may have to stand up for yourself in assertive ways (not aggressive, or passive aggressive) like you have not done before. Or you may have to act in humility where you would have responded otherwise in the past. It may be very difficult, probably will, but it could be worth it. You decide. Then act. You must focus on success. You will never reach a goal with a divided mind. If you are a believer, realize God has every resource at your disposal. Avail yourself of them. With God, nothing is impossible. If you are not a beliver, you can still do everything in your power to be the person of integrity you can admire when you look back on these years. If you don’t know what to do, or how to do it, get help, instruction, tools. Be proactive. Be positive. Refuse to dwell in the pain of the past or take on offense from today. Some marriages will still fail but yours could be the one that succeeds. God bless you and give you favor and strength as you do the work.

By: akli albert darken

akli albert darken — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:23:39 +0000

hi i’m much greateful for all the advise i have and happy to be part of eharmony thanks and continue with your good work.

By: Mrs. Y.A.Subhani

Mrs. Y.A.Subhani — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:29:53 +0000

The topics covered by your different couples and are very eye opening, inspiring and lesson giver and I have also been in similar situaation in my married life of 25 years and haave come out of all my problems with reading books ofn follow your heart, art of living, \the quran, prayers, feng shui , psychic healing and whaat not that ultimatelly my life is moving on and my childrens. when I have the time, i shall write in detail about my life challenges and how I have gone through them with courage and positive attitude that now I have become the role model and a problem solver for all round me.

By: MysteryMan

MysteryMan — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 09:50:04 +0000

I think I need someone to tell me: am I still being stupid? We were sex-less for 20 years, starting before we were married, but I loved and respected her and married her anyway. Inside 6 months I was feeling confused and rejected, and every few months sank to shouting my pain, for a few years. That didn’t help so I stopped shouting and she promptly forgot what I wanted, and bit-by-bit I spent 20 years wondering why-the-hell I’m still here, feeling unwanted and therefore tempted to conclude I’m merely being used, except that there are also many good things about her that I know are rare and valuable, especially all together, and we do enjoy each other in some ways. Meanwhile we had kids, conceived by decision rather than desire, me thinking I’m being used for a convenient sperm donor. A couple of years ago my simmering pain reached the point of relentless anger and then depression, and it dawned on me that we would all be better off if I left. She finally finally read a book that I had put next to her bed and shouted at her to read, it had lain unopened for a whole year. Since then she’s been “accommodating” me, manually, and she says she loves me, but expecting her to initiate hugs or kisses or sex is like asking her to constantly think of something irrelevant, and I’m still feeling like, “if I have to drag it out of her, what’s the point,” unwanted. She says she never understood how important affection is to make me feel wanted, I cannot fathom how she could not know. She says she loves me but never had any interest in sex, which I can imagine but not on this planet. Conversely it now comes out that she feels she can’t have an interesting conversation with me because I’m a specialist about a few things, she’s a lite browser of many things; I want a lover, she wants chats; she also can’t imagine my lack-of-need to shoot the breeze with lots of people-I’ll-never-see-again about irrelevancies. I figure I can work on the conversation but she can’t manufacture a sex drive she’s never had. After taking 20 years to conclude I can’t live with having my needs totally ignored (which I bitterly regret), how many more should I spend to be real sure that I will NEVER feel wanted by her? Or should I settle for that? I don’t want to cheat (and I don’t think she’s cheated either), I just want to feel wanted before I die.

By: Karen

Karen — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:22:44 +0000

Thanks John but I think Bob is right about some things. Appreciation is something that men need and in the end of my marriage I guess I failed in that area. But he did too. It is a shame because we still love each other. This is my final comment and for all of you folks out there that can relate to the above comments, remember appreciation and communication is the key.

By: John

John — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 12:02:44 +0000

This reply is to Bob. You sound like the same kind of guy that Karen was married to. You have a deaf ear to her needs so how can she appreciate you?

By: Karen

Karen — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 10:05:10 +0000

I liked Bob’s reply which seemed to be directed at Karen’s reply. If only Karen’s husband could have verbalized the things that Bob did, perhaps they would not be getting a divorce. Communication and appreciation seems to be the key to a lasting relationship.

By: Regs

Regs — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 16:27:47 +0000

I married my best friend and I’m still married to my best friend. I suggest to all that instead of looking for help elsewhere (religion) that you look at yourself and this other person and if he/she is not your best friend then you need to make that decision to spend the rest of your life alone.

By: Husband - both on our 3rd marriage

Husband - both on our 3rd marriage — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 07:07:32 +0000

April. your husband is holding you emotionally hostage to his blind behavior. Call his bluff. Take your child and move in with your mom for a season. He may find it tough to get custody if you are a good mom. Do it lovingly and firmly. If he is having an emotional or physical affair, you need to challenge his behavior. He sounds like he is ready for a wake up call and your strongest alarm bell is assertive loving action. Ask a counselor for guidelines to measure the progress.