How to Keep Things Positive
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There are times in marriage when you need to point out a personal quirk or flaw, a blind spot, that could hurt your partner. After all, it can be disastrous to a marriage not to help each other become more self-aware, grow, and change. Pointing out how a partner was insensitive, for example, helps him or her become more sensitive, more healthy, and thus a better marriage partner. Without honest feedback, marriages would be doomed to stagnation and disconnection.
So the key is to agree that both of you, for the sake of each other and your marriage, will invite honest feedback and lovingly provide it. Once you reach this agreement, stay clear of several danger spots when giving honest input to your partner. Overgeneralizing, for example, is always a no-no. “You always think it’s my fault” is a gross exaggeration. Words like “always” and “never” cannot and do not characterize the situation accurately. It is much better to say, “Sometimes when we argue, I get the feeling that it’s my fault.” Choosing your words carefully is critical. They are like a knife in that they can be wonderfully healing or they can be completely damaging.
Also, avoid commands such as “Stop putting your elbows on the table.” Instead, say, “People might get the wrong impression when they watch you at the dinner table. Could I make a suggestion?” Yes, this might feel awkward, but the point is to use words that avoid criticism or nagging.
When you are giving honest feedback in marriage, you can think of yourselves as a pair of mountain climbers, each lending a hand to the other, each making suggestions and encouraging the other, as you work together toward becoming healthier individuals with a rock-solid marriage.
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6 Responses to “How to Keep Things Positive”
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Everything said above makes perfect sense to me. My wife on the other hand, well it’s gotten to the point that I can’t suggest that makes any “adjustments” to anything she is or isn’t doing> Her response to comments/suggestions or most anything is anger, frustration and a “how dare I ask/suggest she do anything she’s not already doing.” She’s quick to point out that she’s not a slave, like when I ask her to cook…yes, ask her to cook. Meanwhile I work full time, her part time…
Anyway, I’ve gently suggested counseling in the past, but of course she doesn’t see the need for it. At this point, without it, I don’t know. Help.
G: I am in exactly the same boat!!! We are going through counseling now, but that is not helping either….Old habits die hard I guess….Agreed, I could be a little nicer when making suggestions, but when they always result in anger and resentment, it becomes very difficult to do….
What do you people think?
I AGREE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT , BUT SOMETIMES IT IS JUST A CRULE WORLD AND NO MATTER WHAT WE DO , THE OTHER PARTNER HAS TOTALY LOTS INTREAST AND THIS WHAT YOU JUST HAVE TO EXCEPT AND MOVE ON.
What I am hearing in each of these comments, is an absence of admiration and affirmation. Before you point out the faults, spend a BUNCH of time finding things the spouse does well and right. Be appreciative and stay focused on what is being done right. Most of the time the problem will solve itself if the person feels affirmed in the relationship.
For example, don’t ask her to cook, ask her what YOU can cook for her. I know you are tired, but guide by positive example, not by being unappreciative. If you take the initiative a few times (or a few dozen if it take that long), the other partner will respond by wanting to return that appreciation and concern.
Bob, my man. You start out right on point. I feel a total lack of admiration, respect and especially affirmation. See, I do ALL of the cooking…after getting our son up and ready from school. getting home at 7p from work. Theni stay up till the wee hours working to renew our prosperity. I also coach youth basketball, do everything I can to be the best father/husband I can be, plus try to be a good role model/mentor for the single parent boys in our neighborhood.
Generally I don’t point out faults. Out of respect and love I fight the urge to air dirty laundry, until such time I can get us into the coundeling I think we need. I”m the only one who thinks so, so maybe I should save my money.
My concept is I’m the coach, my family is the team. Afterall, I’m the one expected to guide the family. So my line is, “this is what I need you to do so the team can win.” When the answer is, I can’t/won’t/why should I/whycan’t you do it. I mean, an athlete would get traded, cut or at least benched for the reaction I get. All I’m trying to do is win the game for all of us.
Her only fault is anger and a committment to hanging on to her right to be angry. No I haven’t cheated. Life has been hard, financially. We’re finally coming out of it. But if she wants me to get us out of it, she has to believe I can get us out of it. Otherwise, she’ll continue to do what she wants vs. what I need her to do so I can get us out of it.
She used to brag about my ventures and adventures to her firneds and family. I always knew she was in my corner. Used to tell me God sent me to her. Then hard times came. Now I get on her G-D nerves, as does everything else. I’m at my wits end.
We live these hair-trigger lives. I’m too sensitive, I’m too defensive, I stuff down my feelings until I lash out and say hateful things. And she acts like she doesn’t do any of these things. I used to remind her that we were supposed to be on the same side, no matter what. Now it just seems like anything standing in the way of our anger gets blown to bits, that’s how much we both have invested in being angry. I’m really unhappy. I used to want to do the work that it took for our relationship to flourish but it seems more and more pointless with every argument, every fight.