September Question: What are the best ways to get your spouse to do something you want?
What are the best ways to get your spouse to do something you want? It could be that you are in the mood and he isn’t. It could be a chore that need to get done and she has been avoiding. It could be visiting your brother and his five kids. What are the do’s and don’ts of encouraging a spouse to do something they are resisting?
Help other couples by sharing your personal experiences. The top reader responses will be posted immediately. Remember, if you prefer to remain anonymous, simply note this below.
Tags: Couples Stories, For Men, For Women
27 Responses to “September Question: What are the best ways to get your spouse to do something you want?”
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In my experience the most effective means for getting your spouse to do something that they would rather not do is simply to ask in a respectiful manner at the appropriate time. Then you need to be prepared for whatever answer you may get. I’m very blessed to have a reasonable, accommodating husband. However, when he continues to resist even after being asked then I have to accept his response. I also know from experience that nagging does not work in the long-term nor does manipulation. Sometimes easier said than done
Good question, I’m hoping for an answer. I’ve prayed, complained, cried, etc. etc. The only thing that kept my sanity is prayer. I have stopped the negative things, thank God. We’ve had a rough time. It did not start out that way.
My big thing that I want him to do is build a house. My husband is retired, and well off. He talks about building a house but no action. This has gone on for about 8 years, we’ve been married 11. I’ve explained that a house for me is part of my identity. We live in a mobile home that was he and his ex wifes. It has yesteryears marriage all over it. Its hard to make it mine with the aura of another woman. He has close contact with her, however he does not like contact with her. He even has to help her and her parents from time to time financially.
I left him for one week because of a call from someone who said he visited a neighbor’s house every day while I was at work. As it turned out, he did not committ adultry and we think the sister of her husband is jealous of the woman. Peyton place, huh.
Anyway, pray for us. We plan to go to the Weekend to remember this Sept. thanks,
The best way to get my husband to do something is to ask him to do it when I know he is paying attention and not to give a laundry list – the fewer words the better.
Am I the only woman who is given sex as a reward for good behavior such as a clean house, dishes done…etc. I thought it was usually the other way around, but I need it every day, and he doesn’t even think about it until a week has passed, and then, only if everything in his world is going well. So I feel like I have to put the entire universe in order to seduce him. It does work, but I resent it.
I think the first step in getting your spouse to “do what you want” is to treat them well all the time and be direct, ask for what you want. I know with my husband that dropping hints and being manipulative does not motivate him to get the yard mowed or fix the leaky sprinkler. I tell him about the problem and ask him if he will please fix it for me and offer to help him in any way that I can. He might still take longer than I would like to fix it, but he will get it done after a gentle reminder and he appreciates that I’m willing to help instead of just nagging at him to get it done. And, because we treat each other well even when things don’t need to get done, we’ve already laid the groundwork, we both want to do things to make each other happy.
my husband for eleven years we have been friend for over 31 years is unfaithful and does not talk to me unles he wants somthing done how can i handle this situation it is making me sick
Pray, wait, don’t push, don’t manipulate. In the right timing, ask it in a way that makes him want to do it–show him what he’ll get out of it, whether that be personally or that he’ll feel good doing the morally right thing, etc. Support him in however he ends up doing the request. Be appreciative!
The easiest way to get my spouse to do anything is to ask him to. If I ask him to “clean up” it is too vague. If I ask him to do something specific he will do it and he will do it well. For example I was cooking dinner and one of our babies work up from his nap early. My husband was also napping. I went in, woke my husband nicely and asked him to get the baby and take care of him while I finish cooking dinner. He got up, got the baby, did a fantastic job with him and I finished dinner. Clear communication is the key BUT be ready to do things for your spouse when they ask you to. It’s only fair.
The easiest way to get my spouse to do anything is to ask him to. If I ask him to “clean up” it is too vague. If I ask him to do something specific he will do it and he will do it well. For example I was cooking dinner and one of our babies work up from his nap early. My husband was also napping. I went in, woke my husband nicely and asked him to get the baby and take care of him while I finish cooking dinner. He got up, got the baby, did a fantastic job with him and I finished dinner. Clear communication is the key BUT be ready to do things for your spouse when they ask you to. It’s only fair.
There are three ways to get anyone to anything; money, fear, & love. Since most of us can’t affort to buy results and fear simply doesn’t work in the civilized world, all we have left is LOVE.
Inspire him to do it. Everything we do in life comes back to us, so simply treat him the way you would like to be treated. Then ask the old Dr Phil question “How’s that working for you”. If you are losing your temper or nagging you can bet that he had better make sure that doesn’t work.
There are those who won’t be faithful and are selfish, but most if youare direct, learn to read intentions (I can sound a bit rough at times when what I’m saying is really from my heart, and very caring) but always remember negitive reinforcement doesn’t work (I just shut down) If you are my wife and you treat me as an equal (no manipulation or as if I’m beneath you) positive reinforcement will work like a charm. If you act pleased about what i’ve done, I’ll do more. Find what you like about what I haven’t done quite right and appreciate my intentions and I’ll kill to do it right next time. Show appreciation for daily responsibilities fulfilled. Neither fire, nor growls, nor threats, spears nor large caliber guns will get a Grizzly Bear to do what you want him to as well as a trail of berries.
Let me offer a simple (not simplistic) answer to this September question:
“Turn DEMANDS into REQUESTS.” Nobody likes to be ordered around by a Director-type personality; it evokes resentment, as does any Adult-Child authoritarian message. But a request gives the other partner the option of CHOOSING to comply and PLEASING the requestor. There is a world of difference.
I have no idea!!! What easily works in one situation (”Honey, can you take out the trash”) does not work in another (”Honey, can you please surprise me with a romantic weekend getaway!”). It all depends on timing, mood, money….lots of things.
I agree wholeheartedly with Jean. I try to remember to always use respect and patience in my tone when requesting something be done. That’s the way I like to be treated. Also I make it a request and not a demand. His day is full and he gets tired emotionally and physically as I do. Sometimes I just don’t feel like taking on a specific project at the moment, but in a reasonable amount of time, I find I get motivated to do it. My husband is the same. . . Instead of always being spontaneous in my requests of him I sometimes make a list of things we both need to take care of. . .it’s there in plain view. . and eventually things get checked off as we accomplish them. Even though some things have been on the list for a while, I find they just don’t warrant making tension and creating arguments. In light of eternity, somethings are just not urgent enough to create unnecessary turmoil in the home and relationship. I am so fortunate that my husband actually goes far beyond my expectations in helping around the house with laundry, kitchen cleanup, etc. Not demanding it from him actually makes him have a desire to help out. I met my husband on eharmony 6 years ago. . and alot of issues such as this were discussed and worked out BEFORE we married!!
Thanks for your comments, Mike. I hope to use them on my husband tonite. We as Christians are to use encouraging words. Right?
Depends on what it is. And I always give him the opportunity to say no or offer another solution. And no matter what it is – even if you think it’s as much his job as yours, you must show appreciation. If you say please and thank you, you are way more likely to get what you want or need. Persistence, patience, timing are important if it’s a big commitment. And if it’s something I need his help with or that I really want and I know he will be reluctant to commit or has already said no, I consider the initial attempts as food for thought and ultimately, if I don’t learn that it’s just not important or there is a better idea or way, eventually it becomes his idea and viola! Because I have a tendency to just do things myself and don’t ask for help all that often, he’s usually pretty generous with day to day requests – gets right on it so that he feels included in my life. If it’s about day to day stuff that might turn into a nag, like making the bed – if you’re the one who likes the bed made, then make it. My DH is an insomniac and it helps him to switch beds in the middle of the night. His spare room – the bed is never made. His choice. I personally don’t want to risk a spider crawling into one of the folds, but he found an article once that supported not making the bed. We can alway find something/someone that/who will applaud our act! When our children were small and I couldn’t fit everything in, I just got baskets and anything left anywhere was put in the basket that belonged to the right person. Saved me a bunch of time and made them realize, when they were looking for something, just exactly how much stuff they’d left laying around. When the kids got older, no one liked being ordered around or being told what to do (everyone – me, DH, and kids), so I had a self-inking rubber stamp made fix on a 3×3 post it note that said Dear __________, pretty please when you have a moment, will you: (space to write in the request) Thank you so much, love ______________ – This amused everyone and things would get done.
I haven’t found out how to get it done yet. I, hint, tell, coax,wait on things to get done. i.e the dishes, our bedroom, the 4 kids bedrooms,outside activities, meal planning, basically anything. Since I have done things this way nearly nothing has gotten done. UNLESS it is something that SHE wants DONE immediately after the fact. That she FEELS needed to be done to make her case look good. In THOSE cases, OH BOY is it fine for HER to gripe at me for not DOING ANYTHING or NOT COMMUNICATING with her about what needs to be done ( especially if she felt it will make her look bad) I think it is a PERFORMANCE thing. I am ok as long as I Perform properly to fit the situation that best suits her needs. If I merely MENTION anything to do with kitchen or general cleanup stuff or anything in general to do with anything remotely physical ( other than hold her hand when other women are around) then here comes the DISCUSSION(hint-that means one-way argument) about how she gave birth to MY 4 children, with the kitchen its about how she needs new dishes, with the bathroom its about how she wants a house with more bathrooms or a house with more bedrooms or more space. But if I perform correctly STILL those things don’t get done. I have cleaned those items myself and always point out that they are now clean or this is how it should look. there is just no pleasing her. I think she is just displeased about everything, always has an opinion about everything, dislikes MEN ( but is quick to tell me when one compliments her when she is out with her female friend) when she gets on the phone here comes the man bashing fest. Men don’t do this! Men don’t do that! why are they even around! etc.etc.etc. Unless the person she is talking to is doing WORSE than she is..THEN it’s like all is in order she REMEMBERS it could be WORSE….then I’m the best thing since SLICED BREAD. I get listened to a little bit. (stuff still doesn’t get finished though) I think I could go on and on…Somebody help me get things done. I do them things myself but for everybody else and at the expense of myself. When I do things the way I know how they usually come out just fine. But If I don’t do it HER way all Hell breaks loose till her world comes in line and everybody is on her side. You are either with her or you are against her.
The best way is to start on my own and when he sees I am determined to get it done-he pitches in and then takes over the job. Works every time!
For chores – First I think of something else that needs to be done that he doesn’t neccessarily like to do, and I say, “I need your help. Can you bathe the baby while I wash the dishes?” Then he usually choses to wash the dishes. (I’d rather bathe the baby anyway.) It always works and he is happy to help! …no nagging involved.
For activities – For example – I say, “Wouldn’t it be fun to go shopping?” He usually says, “I’ll watch the kids and you can go.” This is great. And if he decides to go we get to spend time together and we can take care of the kids together.
For sex – I don’t just come out and ask him. That never works. I do something sexy like shave and ask him to feel how soft my legs are. Then he takes over from there.
For the most part, I do not think of it as trying to make him do what I want. I think of it as doing what I want, and if he wants to join me that’s great. If he doesn’t want to join me then he just doesn’t want to. I don’t force the issue or take it personally.
I think the best way to get my husband to do something that he doesn’t want to do is to ask him in a non-threatening manner while letting him know how much his participation and/or helping out (depending on what the activity is) will mean to me. We use a love bank to describe what something means to us that the other one does.
Most women and some men will not like what I am going to say, but it still bears stating! People seem to forget that men and women have very opposite basic needs and desires, for instance:
1. Most Women want just One (1) Man to be their Everything in this Life! Right?
2. Most Men, want All Women to be Just One (1) Thing for Them! Duh! That’s how we are built…to impregnate as many women as possible. We have to “train” ourselves to only cling to one woman….and a lot of us can and do chose to be your only one and to be your only one …..then we figure this is enough of a sacrifice…and we’ll tell you if that changes!
Men have been extremely abused by certain public sectors; whether it has been the feminist movement, or all the movies and television shows, ALL men are shown as bumbling dummy’s! What has happened is that men have ALLOWED these entities and others to destroy their manhood, and what we have left is a majority of Jerks, Whimps, and Homosexuals! There are not enough GOOD MEN left, those who still have their Balls intact, to go around for all the Women who still think they want a man who has “gotten in touch with his feminine side!!!” You can’t have it both ways! If you want a real man, then you have to understand: He wants what he wants, and you want what you want. Be very careful! Don’t cut off his balls just to get flowers at odd times!
Most men have absolutely NO idea what women want, why they want it, when they want it, and how much they want of anything; and we’ll never understand even a little bit of what motivates our women! But, most REAL men absolutely appreciate having a conversation with a REAL woman, where she is able to TELL us what she wants so that we can do for her, make her happy, solve her problem, and come to a good conclusion!
Careful; if you withhold sex for more than a few days…heavens forbid it’s been a week….he’ll begin looking for someone else…..that’s how the good Lord programmed him….if he doesn’t begin looking in a week, then he’s probably not a REAL man! When we fall in love with you, we have to really, really, bear down on our selves to train ourselves NOT to want another women. It is very hard. Many are not successful! Knowing this should help you; but I would imagine by this time that I have lost most of you!
Most REAL women KNOW what a REAL man wants…they just decide at some point that they’re not going to GIVE it unless their man becomes something less than a man!
My husband and I work full time jobs, but it is left up to me to make sure the house work is done and the kids are taken care of. He pays the bills and helps cook dinner every now and then. I have learned if his needs are taken care of he will take care of mine and vise versa. It wasn’t always this way, it took 13 years for us to get on the same page and counseling, but it was well worth it. When he knows I’ve put him first throughout the week, he doesn’t let that go un-noticed. And yes, there are times I struggle being the “good wife”, but even if he makes me mad I still make myself do what I know God would have me do. I’m not saying I am always the “good wife”, but I know when I do what I am suppose to do according to God’s word, we are much happier. And when he does what he’s suppose to do, I know I am much more willing to do more for him.
speak his/her love language.
I DO NOT KNOW I DO NOT THINK I ASKED HIM TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I KNEW MY ANSWER BEFORE I ASKED ,I HONESTLY BELEIVE MY MARRAIGE ENDED BEFORE IT STARTED. OUR MARRAIGE NEVER HAD A CHANCE (WELL I NEVER HAD A CHANCE) HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE HAS MISSED OUT ON DO TO HIS CONSTINT LIEING .
I agree with some of the things that Mark has written. It is hard to understand the woman you promised to have and hold the rest of your life. There are mood swings and a number of other things that spoil the relationship. I am also in a tough relationship. My wife always wants to have things done her way and in her time. There is lack of understanding and love. I have not been able to get my spouse to wear the clothes that I like to see on her, or try something new when it comes to sex. I have had to begin to raise my voice and get things done because of her stubbornness. Actually we both need help to improve this relationship.
I’ve been married for 18 yrs. my husband travels every week for a living and not as a truck driver. So getting him to do things has been tough since he’s only home one or two days a week. So I keep the to do list small and if he just flat out refuses then I spend his money to get the job done. He doesn’t complain when he is not the one doing it. I also give him time to do the things he likes, so he doesn’t feel like he’s working all the time. I also try to show my appreciation for his work.
Reading all the below comments they sound encouraging. But how can you make you wife perform that very basic resposibility e.g washing cloths, waking up in morning to prepare breakfast for you, put cloths where the are suppose to be after laundry? my wife does not do all these things yet she expect me to be good to her by buying gifts, take her for a dinner etc etc and when I do not do that they is no complete intimacy as a punnishment, and when I initiate a dialogue she does not cooperate. Now I feel it is as if am nagging her yet from my deep heart i truely love her with my daughter and therefore it is very hard to call it quit. Please can somebody Assist, we have already gone to a councellor but when it come for us to go for a second session she refused to go.